Zilla Rocca has no heart. Instead, his chest cavity is filled with grime and steel. Like Keith Richards, he cannot be killed by conventional weapons.
Valentine’s Day is here…again. On my quest to spend the bulk of my time not buying chocolate, heart-shaped candies, nor ridiculously overpriced flowers, I stumbled upon quite possibly the best “worst” gifts you could possibly get someone for Valentine’s Day. Below is a list of the top 10 worst gifts available RIGHT NOW on the trusty ol’ internets. Bad spelling included.
- The Valentine Toilet Paper Card
Product Description: “Are you at a loss for a Valentine gift this year? Looking for something unique yet humorous…Perhaps a “teaser” gift for your Significant Other? Try our Valentine Toilet Paper Card! Sure to elicit smiles and laughter, along with being practical, this gift will be an instant hit! A great gift for those who refuse to go the traditional candy-and-flowers route!” $14.00
Perfect Valentine’s Gift For: George Brett post-hemmoroids, Vanilla Ice (as played by Jim Carrey on “In Living Color”), whatever kid raps that “Wipe Me Down” song
Verdict: This would actually be a funny gift if you could personalize the note on the card (“Girl, you are the shit”). However, the Toiler Paper Card comes with its own poem. It’s really gay and sounds like Fran the 45 year old cat lady from Hallmark wrote it. Here’s the last line: “I’d buy a roll of tissue paper to wipe your pretty bum.” There’s nothing more romantic than telling a woman how much you’d love to clean up her poop shoot. It’s like Colt 45, except it works…(not anytime in recorded human history.)
2. The Love Gun
Product Description: “Love is in the air…literally! The Love Gun is a 5-3/4″ red and pink plastic cupid cannon. Just load one of the four tiny 1-1/4” plastic cupids into the compartment and shoot it at the girl or guy of your dreams. The Love Gun’s powers have not been fully tested. Love is not guaranteed. $4.95
Perfect Valentine’s Gift For: Dick Cheney, die hard fans of The Love Below, passive-aggressive hippies, the designer of Gnarls Barkley’s MySpace page
Verdict: The term “love gun” itself is an oxymoron, and it sounds like a weapon left over from Mystery Men. As a straight man, I’m reluctant to purchase anything that is described as a “red and pink plastic cupid cannon.” True, “love is not guaranteed” but I’m not in an emo band nor do I particularly care for John Cusack rom-coms not titled High Fidelity nor Better Off Dead. It should boost your street cred in San Francisco which is a positive, but overall I’ve never found gay weaponry to be terribly romantic.
- Valentine’s JustWoodRoses
Product Description: “JustWoodRoses are unique. Each rose head is carved by hand by an Indonesian wood carver. Here in Georgia we mount each rose on a classic stem with silk leaves – wood you ask for anything more beautiful?”
Perfect Valentine’s Gift For: Seal and Bob Vila. That is all.
Verdict: First off, I’m not too crazy about my wood roses carved out by some outsourced Indonesian cretin who can’t even spell freedom. Second, “wood I ask for anything more beautiful?” Here’s a list off the top of my head in regards to what is more beautiful than wood roses: Carla Gugino, children across the world holding their hands in the name of peace, a one hundred dollar steak, an old one-legged prostitute, baby sharks in a fish tank, a sunset, all the women on Telemundo…the list really is endless. If you buy this crap, I will shoot you in the face with a Love Gun.
- Beer Love Delights
Description: “Send Valentine greetings to your favorite loving beer fans with this beer & gourmet chocolate gift box: includes three assorted domestic microbrews, three chocolate heart-shaped truffles in milk, dark & white chocolate and an organic dark chocolate bar. A delightful arrival for all who receive this Valentine gift.”
Perfect Valentine’s Gift For: Norm Peterson from “Cheers,” Homer Simpson, Tha Alkaholiks, University of Colorado students, Tony LaRussa, fat girls from “Girls Gone Wild”
Verdict: This is guaranteed to be purchased exclusively by women. What better way to say “Yeah I know my man’s a blithering, fat, abusive, sweaty alcoholic, but you know what guys, he’s MY VALENTINE!?!” Consequently, if you receive this gift from your woman, you should either consider a serious re-evaluation of your life or be happy she’s enabling your disease and buy her a ring NOW!
- Love Rats
Product Description: “This pair of red and white rats are soul mates for sure! Decked out in matching hearts, with long pink tails, they’re each other’s perfect mate. A match made in the sewer. Hey it’s not creepy if you’re a rat.” $4.95
Perfect Valentine’s Gift For: Crispin Glover in “Willard,” New York City , Master Splinter, Rizzo the Rat from The Muppets, Gregory House
Verdict: Usually, animals associated with Valentine’s day are puppies, bears, and maybe a monkey. I didn’t know the demand for the R. norvegicus of the rodent genera was emerging in the retail world as well. According to wikipedia, rats make great pets because they are “sociable, intelligent animals and can be trained to use a litter box, come when called, and perform a variety of tricks.” However you want to slice it, rats are still fucking disgusting, no matter how many hearts you want to stick on them. This is a great pre-break up gift though.
- Valentine’s Day Talking Heart Breaker
Product Description: “Throw or squeeze one of these adorable Heart Breakers and they will say one of four phrases in a great “Latin Lover” voice. Each Heart Breaker says something different. “How it about it baby…(kissing sound), “Me and You?” “Me Amore…(kissing sound)” etc. $4.99
Perfect Valentine’s Gift For: Bill O’Reilly, Puss in Boots, Tom Petty’s backing band, Ryan Adams
Verdict: I can definitely see some meathead on the way home from the gym forgetting about Valentine’s Day altogether, then quickly running into Eckerd or Walgreen’s and grabbing this item off the bullshit rack. I’d rather receive the talking Master P doll on Valentine’s Day than some racist knick-knack that will later end up as a chew toy for my dog. And what woman would be turned on by a script that sounds like it was written by a rapist taking his cues from Pepe La’Pew?
- VooDoo Baby Cupid Doll Keyring
Product Description: This love ambassador will get your loved one to notice you and love you back just as much, if not more Each Voodoo Baby is hand-writhed from single strings of cotton or linen threads, and contain no supporting wire.” $9.95
Perfect Valentine’s Gift For: Kathie Lee Gifford, frustrated scientologists, Cambodian political refugees, McGyver (he could probably make a missile launcher out of this thing)
Verdict: This gift is just flat-out CREEPY. And my “love ambassador” goes by the name of Bartles & James, thank you very much! I do see the VooDoo Baby Cupid Doll becoming the central character in an animated Tim Burton movie. And tonight, I’ll see it strangling me in my sleep with its single strings of cotton or linen threads. This thing looks like it was designed by Darkman and Satan!
- 15’’ Super Lover Bear
Product Description: “It’s a bird…It’s a plane…It’s super lover! And he’s flying into send some super love straight to your valentine.” $79.95
Perfect Valentine’s Gift For: The Ambiguously Gay Duo, Redman, Brigette Nielsen
Verdict: There must be a booming need for sexually suggestive, poorly made gifts. The last line of the product description sounds like some kind of threat. Add that to the fact the Super Lover Bear is packing 15 inches…well, I don’t know how many guys can really compete with this love juggernaut. Wonder Woman does want her power bracelets back, though.
- Kinky Bingo
Product Description: “An old favorite with a new twist. A sexciting game for two or more players. Invite your friends and test their sexual knowledge with over 60 hot and exciting trivia questions.” $22.95
Perfect Valentine’s Gift For: Sharon Stone (she’s getting up there), Madonna (ditto), Dr. Ruth (been there for decades)
Verdict: I would play more bingo, but like many people, I felt it just wasn’t sexy enough anymore, you dig? Well thanks to Kinky Bingo, which is “sexciting” (you see, they combined the words “sex” and “exciting”), you can invite over some friends and have a threesome…with letters! (And for the record, “trivia questions” are the textbook opposites of “hot and exciting.”)
- I Love You Toast Stamper
Product Description: “Express your love with the undeniable romantic appeal of toast! Just press this 3 3/4″ x 3″ plastic I Love You Toast Sampler into a piece of bread, then put your bread in the toaster on a dark setting.” $2.99
Perfect Valentine’s Gift For: umm….
Verdict: My problem is that I’m a bit of a pessimist in terms of toast having an “undeniable romantic appeal.” White toast—BORING, even with margarine! Rye toast is kinda kinky but more of a physical, on-the-side type of bread. Pumpernickel toast is exotic and mysterious but never calls back. Wheat used to be cute but now, with America embracing “smart carbs,” it’s another fucking asshole bread that doesn’t have time for me! I guess I’m stuck with multi-grain, even though it’s lean and not very filling, physically nor emotionally.
Also thanks to I Guess I’m Floating for the Dead Cupid pic.