March 4, 2008

It’s hard to avoid American Idol. It’s everywhere. On coke cans, at bus stops, tattooed on that hooker’s shoulder–everywhere. And after 6 & 1/2 years, it’s easy to see why this franchise ain’t goin’ nowhere: Simon. Pretty much whatever Simon says, goes. Whatever he decides on the show, that’s what they do. If he doesn’t want them winning in Hollywood, they lose. If he wants to sleep with the 18 year old Malaysian girl, he gets to. And people seem to eat it up (myself included). All Pharoahe Monch jokes aside, what Simon says, goes. Now, I’m not going to lie to you…a 26 year old male writing an article about Simon Cowell…the first thing I’d think was, ‘wow, what a homo,’ but it’s hard not to admire this guy. And here’s why…

He’s a Wanker!

I trust British people. I’m not sure why, but I do. Maybe it’s the guilt I feel for seceding from their once great imperialistic empire. (though many might assert that their empire really took off once America went their own way. After all, the Dutch really had the stranglehold on the East Indies market…India was mere child’s play in the grand scheme of things. ) But I digress, I assume that every Brit I come across is smarter than me. Maybe it’s the accent. In fact, it’s got to be because sometimes I consider some animals smarter than others according to the sounds they make. No joke. Just last week I had a head to head debate with a giant Galapagos tortoise. While his stance on lettuce was sound, his knowledge of pop culture was lacking.

Power is sexy…

Simon has a unique job in the sense that he gets to hire and fire people almost on a daily basis. It’s kinda like ‘The Apprentice’ but with less fake hair and more women creaming their jeans. This has made Simon into the Hobgoblin of decision making, and women love it. I just wish he had that green thing to float around on while he breaks the spirit of every Peter Parker of the world. Since he doesn’t, he can take pride in knowing that he gets to crush someones life long dream with one simple word: No. And now that Castro is out of power, who do women have to look to to fill their power-driven sexual urges? Bush? Cheney? Randy Jackson?! There is virtually no one that commands as large a viewing audience, and considering Idol got a higher voter turn out than our recent primary election (for PRESIDENT, people), it’s scary to think what may come next. I’m just going to throw this out there: nuke the whales.

…but cash is sexier

Forget the fans. Forget the power. Forget that he knows the business end of pop music better than almost anyone ever. Let’s talk scratch. In 2006 Cowell inked a deal to net him about 40 million a year for 5 more seasons to come. Naked women. Then he signed a syndication contract for his other shows to be licensed out. Wet naked women. Couple that with all the cash he had from his previous ventures in music, and you’ve got one of the richest men in entertainment today. Piles of naked women. Nothing short of Oprah herself can rival Simon anymore, a fact that he’s both very aware of and very proud of. And I think that’s what creates half his persona. “Yeah, I’m better than you. And I can pay you to agree with me. Or I can pay you to fuck off, I really don’t care cause you’re so insignificant.” Maybe I can explain this a bit more simply: his own annual net earnings are comparable to the GDP of all the Central American countries combined, save for Mexico*. Think about it. Now don’t.

In any event, it quickly becomes clear that Simon Cowell is a part of popular culture for thousands of years to come. And while this may be a fact that many of you hate, he’s gotten there for a reason. Any you can too! Just get British and rich, and then learn a lot about the music group, “Take That.'”Already British? Challenge yourself- become un-British, then re-British up, ya wanker! In Simon we trust.

MP3: Yo La Tengo-“We’re An American Band”
MP3: The New Pornographers-“The Bones of an Idol”