Scott Towler once received six weeks in jail for kicking Tucker Carlson in the groin. Politics as usual.

Hillary won Pennsylvania! Did you hear? Do you care? Yeah, me neither. But with all the recent hub-bub about who’ll be our next president, it’s getting harder and harder to ignore. What’s next for this great nation? Personally, I think it’s time to think outside the box. Get a new face in the political realm. Hire someone with half a brain, instead of just a quarter. But there’s a lot more to think about than just that: where the world will be in 10, 15, 25 years; what will become of America’s youth; who will win the space race; just how long will this steroid problem go on; and finally, just how old should our president be?

OK, granted, he isn’t American, which completely rules him out of ever being president. And you’re right, he’s older than the universe itself. Some even contend that it was his cosmic dust that made the planets. Richards will tell you otherwise. But as I started to think about who I wanted to run this mucky-muck of a crap factory, it became very obvious: someone who’s invincible. Kieth Richards can’t die. He’s tried. He’s also outlived his mother and his father at this point, who, rest their souls, never touched any needle drugs or peyote. Still not convinced, eh? How bout the fact that he was alive during the Revolutionary War? He practically begged the colonies to succeed. He’s the father of this country for Christ sakes!

OK, I flipped out back there. Perhaps someone that old isn’t competent enough to run the country. Perhaps adult sized diapers should never set foot into the oval office (I’ll spare you the incontinent Cheney-with-a-shotgun jokes). But there is something to be said for a person who can affect the minds of millions of Americans. And what better way to build better citizens of tomorrow than starting them off at an early age. That’s why The Wiggles seemed like a natural choice. I firmly believe that the two best forms of birth control are A) flying on a plane with a baby, and B) going to the grocery store. Have you ever seen how unhappy those parents are? And just how mad does it make you when the kid starts screaming and the parents do nothing about it? Well, somehow, The Wiggles have written songs that put children in a trance, causing them to shut the fuck up, do their homework, and eat their vegetables. If that’s not role model behavior, I don’t know what is.

Of course, the only issue with The Wiggles is that they could create a people’s army of children. Nobody wants that. Plus, there’s four Wiggles, but room for only one president. Socialism just isn’t ready for this country. Because of that, I think it’s important we elect someone both powerful and important. Kind of like Barry Bonds. Think about it…Bonds is guilty as sin, right? But he’s the only one who has yet to face charges for blatantly breaking the rules and ruining baseball. Call him the O.J. of non-violent crime, cause he’s got the system figured out. My only issue stems from the fact that he could one day go on a roid rage, killing everyone in his path. Our country needs someone more balanced than that. Or smaller! A miniture Barry Bonds would ensure that we were taken seriously while preventing us from ever going off the handle. Plus you could put him in your carry-on bag.

The only other potential issue that will arise in the coming decades is how we’ll conquer space. While the space race of the 60s left much to be desired, the race of tomorrow will end with the colonization of Mars, the continual search for alternative fuels and the eventual discovery of life beyond ours. Who better to pioneer this front than Meteor Man? In an effort to gain a legitimate nomination, most of his friends already call him the ‘Barack Obama of space.’ Personally, I think the ‘Lewis and Clark’ of space might be more appropriate, or perhaps the ‘black-manifest-destiny-2010,’ but either way, he’s hot on the heels of the competition (that being Richard Branson and Laika (the first dog in space)). With the growing importance of preserving our planet, and the fact that we all already know hope is lost, this issue will percolate to the top of the political scene before any of us stop voting.

So as the election draws nearer, take some time and really think about who you’d want running this country. Whether it be a white woman, a black man, or an old person, one thing is clear: it won’t be a robot. Scott Towler, live from Washington D.C. reporting.