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Because Kanye West and Jay-Z love Pill, but hate Hebrews, they have graced us with their latest single, “H.A.M.” We are ordered to hail to the throne, but some of us follow the scriptures of Supreme Clientele: “y’all know how we dine, but we don’t eat swine, and we don’t drink wine. If you don’t bring me some motherfucking cognac, I’ll kill you.”

Reception has been mixed on the Internet. Some people enjoy “H.A.M.” but others think that Jay-Z and Kanye are merely turkeys. But are they even the best in the world of the cloven hoof? Our in-depth Passion of the Weiss analysis aims to find out exactly who has written the best recent song about a luncheon meat. Welcome to the slaughterhouse.

Kanye West & Jay-Z – “H.A.M.” (Left-Click)

Pros: Jay-Z and Kanye West seem very serious about their love of a pig’s hind leg. The SERIOUS ARTIST angel moans, Elton John pianos, and Valkyrie strings all indicate that no one could ever be more ham. And if by chance, someone is more ham than Jay-Z or Kanye West, both are willing to pay them to go away and never be heard from again. Just like Young Chris. Kanye says that he did it — and by did it, he attended a meat slicing internship at a rarefied Italian academy, where they taught him how to go prosciutto. It was done concurrently with his Internship at Louis Vuitton — which inspired the luxury clothing designer’s 2010 line of chic butcher aprons.

Cons: Jay-Z refuses to eat Kanye’s prosciutto unless it’s sliced by his personal favorite butcher, Marc Montesquieu XV, who makes his ham exclusively raised by farm-raised foie gras-fed swine raised on the island of Corsica. This caused serious problems in the studio and leads to the disjointed tone of the track.

Rating: 3/5 Lunchables

Hackman – “Fists of Ham” (Right-Click)

Pros: Hackman is from the United Kingdom,the country that perfected the ham. The nation is so dedicated to the cult of ham that there is a popular soccer team called West Ham. Hackman’s dedication to fists shows that he is willing to put up a fight if Jay-Z and Kanye try to make him disappear, voila. Hackman samples Joanna Newsome’s “Jackrabbits” and somehow turns it into an amazing dance song that could make even the most reserved Brit go turkey bacon. Hackman is presumably named after famed American actor, Gene Hackman, who played Lex Luthor in the Superman films. Thus, he is one of the few capable of defeating Luthor’s low-budget Southern equivalent, Lex Luger.

Cons: At any minute, Hackman may be sued by his namesake, thus ending his career as we know it and allowing Jay-Z and West full reign over the pig and other pig-related material.

Rating: 4 Lunchables

BEAK> – Ham Green (Right Click)

Pros: The ghoulish “haunted ham” tone of the first three minutes would terrify Kanye, who is afraid of the dark. This explains his complicated views on dating. This song goes harder than anything on this list, so hard that it turned the ham green. Bonus points because one can interpret its semiotics as a tacit sign of support for the Irish in their time of economic distress. Also, Geoff Barrow is never wrong.

Cons: The combination of Beaks and hams is incongruous and therefore confuses would-be fans of “Ham Green.” If say, Beak> changed their name to snout, it would be a shoe-in. Alas, it signals an unwillingness to fully devote themselves to the un-chosen food of the chosen people.

Rating: 4 Lunchables

Pill-“Trap Goin’ Ham”

Pros: Pill did not invent the concept of “Going Ham,” but he perfected it and popularized it amongst the blog-bedraggled corners of the Internet. Jay-Z and Kanye West almost certainly stole the title of the song from him, making him the hip-hop equivalent of the biblical Ham — cursed by Jay-Z and Kanye and consigned to wander adrift in the Asylum asylum. I would also take Pill in a fight over both Kanye and Jay-Z. The man is scrappy. Plus, he was able to enlist the Beastie Boys to participate in the ham extravaganza, thus earning validation by Bar-Mitzvah graduates worldwide.

Cons: Pill’s unruly serving of ham will not receive the same approval from the monocle and mustache-sporting Russian Billionaire set that Jay-Z and Kanye assiduously court.

Rating: 4.5 Lunchables

Mika Miko – “Turkey Sandwich’

Pros: Mika Miko understand deeper truths not accessed by any of the songs on this list: sometimes, you just really want a turkey sandwich, preferably with bacon, avocado, Swiss, tomato, deli mustard, and a side of waffle fries. Rabbi’s and riot grrls alike approve of this turkey sandwich.

Cons: The only thing better than a turkey sandwich is a turkey and ham sandwich.

Rating: 3.5 Lunchables