Don’t leave your younger sister around Deen.
There’s a lot of shit that makes being a black man in America fucked up, but my biggest fear isn’t getting shot by the police or some weirdo with race/anger issues while I walk around my neighborhood in a hoody. That would suck, but I’d be dead and but I’m already kind of resigned to that shit. No, I’m not sad – at all. My biggest fear — well more like twin fears — are catching a rape charge or worse, a statutory rape charge. Go ahead and Google “strict liability” (don’t worry, I’ll wait – see what I did there). Priorities folks!
I’ve always been super paranoid about getting dragged into a sex-related legal morass because like most Americans I don’t have Kobe or even Medium Sean money, which in turn means that I can’t afford dope ass lawyers to fix said situation (oh, the fucking irony). Matter of fact, Juicy J would be dismayed to find out that I left an inappropriate amount of fux on the table during my college years due to this paranoia. I basically restricted myself to older women and sober colleagues until I hit my mid-20s. It was a little pathetic some nights, but man cannot live by YOLO alone. Going to jail for inadvertently taking some underage clunge would be really hard to explain to my folks back home – despite what you ignorant assholes may have heard or read about the Motherland.
So you’re probably wondering where the fuck I’m going with this. Well, lemme put it this way: rap niggas need to refrain from making creepy ass songs about young pussy. Fuck context. I don’t care if you’re reminiscing or just being hilarious (hey, I won’t claim the topic isn’t funny to me – everything is). Seriously. I thought that shit went out in the 90s with Mase’s “I Need To Be.” For the record, Big Mello did an even better/creepier job with “Highschool Kat.” Man, I know waaaay too much about this topic.
But Twista, our speed rapping friend from Chicago — now apparently home to shitty young trap rappers and lecherous old fucks (sup Kellz)– has brought it upon himself to make a song entitled “Ain’t Too Young Now.” Yep. The song is exactly what you think it is. It’s yucky as fuck. He may as well have named the shit “There’s Grass Now So Let’s Play Ball” or “Do You Like This Handle of Fleischmann’s Vodka?” Have you no damn shame Twista? The fuck wrong witchu mane? It’s almost as if this fast mumbling creep heard Nas’ “Daughters” and decided that it was too positive, so he needed to provide an alternative for the creeps of the world.
The more I write, the more I’m beginning to realize that I’m probably overreacting. Faux-moralizing is really tiring too. Even worse is that once I ignore the content of the song I like the damn thing. The Legendary Traxster tends to make dope beats, even when folks aren’t rapping about newly ripened legal gash and Twista’s machine gun flow is always welcome. Still, this shit just creeps me out. Is it just me? Armchair psychologists & rap fans – am I revealing some dark shit from deep within me or do I have a valid complaint here? Are we okay with songs dedicated to “women” who were born after The Chronic dropped. I’m legitimately curious about the reaction to songs like this. Maybe I should get Weiss to run a poll on this one.
On second thought, I think I’ll just do what normals do: pretend I never heard this ode to endangered hymens and head over to xvideos for some GILF pr0n. As that one famous defense attorney wisely stated in that one radio ad, “better stale than sorry…”
* I once dated a woman that was my age and completely unfamiliar with The Chronic. Note the tense in that statement.