Three Loco

Max Bell never fucked with Sparks.

Last night I was getting my dick sucked by a cartoon squirrel while watching Nip Tuck and smoking some Oregon Trail fresh from my Steve Harvey tupperware. I was on some real Buttercream Beatle shit in my El Camino until I was rudely interrupted by Danny DeVito and Tim Tebow trying to sell me Farmers Car Insurance and some cocaine-flavored nail polish. Nevermind. That was a dream I had after too much vino and over-exposure to Three Loco.

I’ll spare you any more suspense and just tell about Three Loco: Andy Milonakis, Riff Raff, and Dirt Nasty (Simon Rex). At first it’s flabbergasting that these three anglos have hooked up, but once you mull it over you realize that it makes so much damn sense it’s kind of ridiculous. All three guys have their own crazy personas, have dabbled in hip-hop to some extent (Milonakis had that show), and have been associated with MTV in some way. Aside from the MTV logo tatted on Riff Raff’s neck he was on From G’s to Gents, again, Milonakis had that show, and Dirt was a VJ — and now they all rap. Perfect.

The Three Schlonged Dragon (residuals) is hilarious. They have more hip-hop quotables (see below) than just about anyone out, apart from Danny Brown and Action Bronson (Please join to form like Voltron and make Four Loco). Milonakis’ voice is a bit grating at times, but he is fairly confident behind the mic and doesn’t do a bad job riding the beat. Riff Raff continues to bring his trademark Southern twang and non-sequiturs that probably mean less than you or I will make them out to be, but are still worth their weight in a blinged-out Icee chain. And Dirt Nasty is still the smooth pimp who carries hits of acid in his chap-stick with a relaxed flow that’s always in the pocket. He also boned your grandma. (Note: I listen to “Droppin Names” bi-weekly. You should too).

Maybe it’s because I’m white. Or maybe it’s because I grew up wanting to form a group like this with my friends in order to rap about women, drugs, and my penis in every way imaginable. But if Three Loco is coming to your town (they are actually headed to Miami tomorrow) I would say cop some tickets. They’re fucking “Neato.”

“You got a low self-esteem, you can rent my ego” – Riff Raff

“My dick short and fat like Danny DeVito” – Dirt Nasty

“My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m growing dreadlocks/That pussy ain’t mine no more, I call that shit my Xbox” – Andy Milonakis

“The strippers topless, cocaine flavored nail polish/Pull up at your college, narcotics at your college” – Riff Raff

“Girls wanna cuddle / Yeah, they wanna snuggle / Aw, that’s a cute teddy bear / Put it in your butt hole” – Dirt Nasty

“Spandex (Spandex), I pull up with a lamb text / Too strudel, toaster strudel, ballin’ on you poodles” – Riff Raff