Trey Kerby ghost-wrote “Hot Cheetos & Takis”

One of the most steadfast rules in the Internet music blogosphere handbook that we are all given the second we register a Blogspot, WordPress or Tumblr is that any crew composed of more than four rappers must be compared and contrasted to the Wu-Tang Clan. For whatever reason, this is a guideline that has been handed down from generation to generation, even though there’s really only been one generation that’s grown up since the Clan broke. Nonetheless, we all agree it’s true. Remember when Odd Future was the next Wu-Tang Clan? Exactly.

Thus, in keeping with tradition, we must assess the Wu-Tanginess of viral superstars YNRichKids, who have exactly one song anybody has heard about, “Hot Cheetos and Takis.” Sure, these kids aren’t more than 12 years old, were formed as an after-school rap program in Minnesota and aren’t so much a “rap group” as “some kids who are having fun after doing their homework,” but still. This is the internet. It’s our job to ruin everything that’s fun.

What follows is a breakdown of each rapping member of the YNRichKids and their Wu-Tang counterpart, plus some other peripheral characters thrown in to reach the magic number of nine.

Not only is Dame Jones the tallest, most charismatic and best-dressed RichKid, he’s also the only one who says his name, just like Method Man was the only Wu-Tang member to have a solo song on “Enter the 36 Chambers.” Combine all that with the way he switches up his flow midway through the verse, is quite obviously a ladies man and has a radiant smile, and this is an easy choice.

Wu-Tang Clan equivalent: Method Man

In “The Wu-Tang Manual,” RZA praises Inspectah Deck for his ability to open up a song or a verse with a classic line, and anyone who’s ever listened to “Triumph” will surely agree. I’m not saying “YO! I’m hungry where the Cheetos at?” is our generation’s “I bomb atomically / Socrates philosophies” or anything but I wouldn’t rule it out. Also, “I’m on point like an elbow” is the DOOM line of the year.

Wu-Tang Clan equivalent: Inspectah Deck

This kid basically just does the hook and then disappears. But he’s got a cool voice, like a raspy miniature Brother Mouzone without a bow tie.

Wu-Tang Clan equivalent: U-God

I’m pretty sure there’s an entire hard drive full of unreleased c-sides somewhere in Staten Island that has Raekwon dropping quotables about buying his own snacks and not needing any money from his mom. Plus, look at this kid. He’s Corey Woods, Jr.

Wu-Tang Clan equivalent: Raekwon

This kid actually says “got an ice flow / I’m super cold” and there’s exactly one Wu-Tang Clan member who’s released a song called “Cold World.” You do the math.

Wu-Tang Clan equivalent: GZA

The hair, the way he busts in out of nowhere, how you can’t really understand a bunch of his words, the way he treats the beat as more of a suggestion than something to really follow … c’mon.

Wu-Tang Clan equivalent: Ol’ Dirty Bastard

I’ll admit that this is more of a feeling sort of pick than an actual likening, but this girl is the one who everyone is going to love. Though she’s really good at describing food and has a super high voice, so that helps too. In this silly, made-up game, three points of comparison are more than enough.

Wu-Tang Clan equivalent: Ghostface Killah

The only reason I can come up with for a grown man to be dancing like this in a children’s rap song about chips is that he’s the one pulling the strings. If that’s the case, you know who he is.

Wu-Tang Clan equivalent: RZA

Masta Killa was the last guy to join the Wu and he’s talked about how much he loved dancing, which isn’t weird at all so back off. This kid shows up at the end and just dances. Seems like a good fit, plus no one wants to be Cappadonna.

Wu-Tang Clan equivalent: Masta Killa

As you can see, these are all perfect comparisons with absolutely no reaches or jumps in logic. Clearly these kids are the next Wu-Tang Clan. At least until the next next Wu-Tang Clan comes along.