Deen wishes you a happy Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, mayne

Let’s hop in the DeLorean and reminisce a bit today. Like many of you fine people, I eagerly approached my maiden listening of the new G.O.O.D. Music album (decent first half, eh?) and was greeted by the voice of the greatest R&B perv in the history of man – the honorable Robert Sylvester Kelly. Permit me a quick digression: I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to be named “Sylvester” and end up with a shitty life. Check the stats. If I ever have to endure the misfortune of spawning a daughter, I’m naming her “Sylvestra” – “Sybil” would be too obvious and boring.

Latent misogyny and unwarranted paranoia aside, my excitement at hearing Kells’ voice on the Cruel Summer opener was quickly tempered by the staid lyrics on display. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a pairing of two of Chicago’s most accomplished perverts to result in some explosively inappropriate/approaching ratchet music. Kanye dates some woman that’s famous for doing a shitty job of sucking a dick on camera and fantasized about marrying a pr0n-star on wax a little while ago, while R. Kelly is… was… Aaliyah… drip, drip, drip… girl… “when you say ”teenage” how old are you talking?“… innocent… let’s just move on. R. Kelly is R. Kelly. Neither gentleman is currently approaching Chief Keef levels of debauchery, but they’re definitely veteran deviants. I respect it.

I was hoping that this pairing would help knock Kells outta the doldrums he’s been in post-incident/legal issues. Alas, no dice. Same ol’, same ol’ outta Kells at this point. I suppose the one positive takeaway is that the Pied Piper didn’t convince Kanye that making a new anthem for all the steppers in Chicago was the right way to go with this track. That would have been disastrous. Excuse my cultural ignorance (actually, don’t – I’m African, I have to deal with your ignorance ALL THE FUCKING TIME), but that stepping shit is corny. Please calm down Chicagoans – put the iron away. This is just one man’s opinion.

Even if you dig that stepping shit, you have to admit that it’s a complete fucking waste of R. Kelly’s genius. This man is single-handedly responsible for a generation of Chief Keefs, maybe even a few Lupes (he’s been that good for THAT long) and we’re gonna relegate him to doing oldies tributes and covers (his last two albums) along with steppers’ anthems? As opposed to geniusly ratchet shit like… I wouldn’t even know where to start! This is the man that gave us “REAL TALK.” ‘Real fuckin Talk’ damn it! The vast majority of his recent output has been on some safe bullshit. All because he took a piss in his own basement while some girl refused to move. Then taped it. I tape my pisses all the time, so I still don’t see what the problem was. SMH.

I don’t know if it’s Kells himself or Jesus or a probation officer or we the people (money on the latter, because I still see the perverted twinkle in that man’s eye every time he appears of video), but we gotta cut this brotha loose. Soon he’ll be too old to sing about kitchen or zoo or jeep sex and we’ll be stuck with Trey Songz struggle-faced, disguised as R&B rap verses forever. You’d have to be a complete fucking moron to want that. IS YOU TWEAKIN’? God forbid evil shit.

Or is it possible that I’m the only nigga on the planet that thinks this shit? I hope not, because music is a much better place when R. Kelly is happy. We already lost Nate Dogg for good and Kells has been dead to me for a minute with all this superbly executed Al Green and Marvin tribute shit. The-Dream is not enough. Pause. I just want the greatest R&B nigga of all time to rediscover his panache and get reckless again.

We can make this happen people. We just gotta get Kells and Juicy J to hang out a bit. Real talk. And if that fails, we should really just let him pee on… ok, I’m going a little far with that one. So let’s just start with the Juicy J thing and see where that takes us as a nation. Who’s with me?