Slava P ordered the Kobe beef like Shaq.

When Chief Keef wrote and shot the video for “Kobe,” he probably didn’t imagine the Lakers’ season going quite like this. Then again, if the rumors about Keef’s underlying Aspergers affliction are to be believed, he probably wasn’t thinking about much, save for how to stay away from social scenarios. With his latest video offering, Chief Keef and Young Chop team up again to continue offering an authentic, street-raised alternative to music. Some songs must be listened to by the head; this one must be listened to by the fist.

“Kobe” raises the interesting question: why does Chief Keef want to be Kobe Bryant? Is it because he sees himself as an analog to Mr. Bryant, who was drafted into the league a year after Keith Cozart was born in 1995? Or does Keef see himself putting an entire city on his back, ready to carry it to the promised land regardless of the physical or mental cost? The answer is probably much simpler (…gold?!) but for the sake of beating everything this poor kid does into the dirt, let’s shine a light on how much Chief Keef’s life is not like Kobe’s by observing how they would probably handle some fictitious situations:

Your Mentor Gets Fired

What Would Kobe Do: Rejoice, unlearn Princeton offense.
What Would Keef Do: Rejoice, unlearn how to pronounce “Iovine”.

Someone Makes You Do Something You Don’t Like

What Would Kobe Do: Do it anyway, perfect it, sell the solution in a shoe.
What Would Keef Do: Don’t do it, record a catchy tune, rub bare chests with friends in kitchen.

Two New Members Join Your Posse

What Would Kobe Do: Learn to co-operate while remaining the alpha dog.
What Would Keef Do: Initiate them by making them wrestle with a feral dog.

You Fall Out Of Love With Your Significant Other

What Would Kobe Do: Give her half your fortune, take her back when Drake makes fun.
What Would Keef Do: Get Reese to push her head through the hardwood with his new Jordans.

A Large Sum Of Money Makes Its Way To You

What Would Kobe Do: Diversify portfolio, invest in children’s future.
What Would Keef Do: Buy more puffy clothing, stunt on instagram.

Download:
MP3: Chief Keef – “Kobe” (Left-Click)