Deen is the Pied Piper of TumblR&B.

Yes. Finally. It happened. Angel Haze and Azealia Banks are beefing. We’re all pleased about this development. Not. Shit like this is the reason why Dark-Skinted broads don’t prosper as much as they should. WTF? This shit is almost as pointless as the beige nigga “beef” between Common and Beige Gawd a while ago. It’s shit like this that led to Zoe Saldana light bright ass getting cast as Nina Simone.

So yeah. Sorry about that. I just had to get that off my chest and God forbid I devote an entire post to such fuckery. I’m actually in a pleasant mood today. That’s because I just heard R. Kelly do what I generally expect R. Kelly to do to song. In order:

  1. He’s immediately vulgar on this weird excuse for a remixed hook.
  2. He’s ridiculously self-referential by informing you that you’re not only listening to the remix but also that the OG version was best suited for love-making, while this new version is custom made for “fuckin” and other assorted debauchery.

On a macro level, Kellz basically bogarts the damn tune and does his thing all over it. Pause? Nonsensical sing rapping and random melisma all over the place. Fuck restraint. By the time the song fades out, you only remember that it’s credited to Ludacris because Kellz enthusiatically and almost apologetically shouts him out at the end. And even though I’m sure he had a clever line or two, Fabolous is essentially reduced to an afterthought – a non-thought even. But I imagine that the check cleared, so I don’t feel bad for him at all. Same applies to the lovely Kelly Rowland.

Some of you might be wondering why I’m so excited about a random, run-of-the-mill ass Rap and Bullshit song remix. Well, this song kinda sorta marks the return of long and dearly missed “Pervert Horndog R. Kelly.” Last fall, I expressed genuine concerns that we’d be stuck with the repentant version of Kells forever. You know, the guy that kept making well received, yet bland songs for steppers and old folks as some sort of penance for alleged and perceived misdeeds. Fuck that shit. Dirty old man Kellz is back mane!

I mean, he promised that he’d return to the horndog approach on his next album, tentatively titled Black Panties, but he’s been doing this PG/Church singer/Sam Cooke tribute bullshit for so long that I was beginning to doubt if we’d ever see the R. Kelly we all know, were possibly conceived to, soundtracked many a lost hymen and love ever again. That was silly of me. As Ini Kamoze once said, “Perverts don’t die, they multiply.” I was worried for nothing. I’ve never watched any of that “Trapped In The Closet” bullshit and him releasing new episodes was the first positive sign of deviant Kellz returning, but I needed to hear some shit on wax.

Now thanks to the generally useless Ludacris, we have the full manifestation of the REAL R. Kelly back in audio format again. I’m so grateful. I knew there was a good reason to keep tolerating Luda’s bored and cynical ass in this rap shit. Luda obviously doesn’t care about making dope rap anymore, but for some reason he feels obliged to keep churning out bullshit. However, putting R. Kelly on a remix and letting him run wild all over that shit makes it all worth it.

This, my friends, is a wonderful start to the year. I can’t wait to get off my crutches and act a fool along with this rubbish in some loud and overcrowded space soon. I’m still holding out for that inevitable R. Kelly + Juicy J collaboration though. It is written…

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