Deen has a boxed set of In the House.

So yeah, I’m one of those fake cool types that “doesn’t watch” the Grammys, because “they always get it wrong.” I still pay attention to the main/rap categories, because I’m a glutton for pop culture and music, but I definitely enjoy chuckling at folks that trip when their favorite doesn’t win some shit. In addition, I like watching folks perform – regardless of genre.

That said, I don’t remember the last time I sat through a Grammy telecast. It may have been the year Chris Brown decided to do what Chris Brown does. I turned the shit on to see if he’d show up, then switched right back to porn once he didn’t. I think I was really into Gianna Michaels back then. Fun memories. If I’m being completely honest, I watched last night to see if Nas, my favorite rapper, finally wins a Grammy. Life Is Good was a decent album – arguably the best of the nominees here tonight, and he made a song with a talented dead white woman that the Grammys love/loved, so one of his 4 nominations oughta pan out, no? I mean, he’s batting 0 for 13 for his career according to Wikipedia – but I suspect that number might be closer to 20. I know rap nerds aren’t supposed to care, but I want him to win one. I’m sure he’d like to win one. That validation is nice for your bank account and that golden jacket he’s wearing can’t be cheap. Then again, I should probably quit now. Drake already got the Grammy for best rap album. Take Care was pretty good, but I don’t think it was better than Life Is Good. Definitely had the hits, so I’m guessing Nas never really stood a chance.

Given that Comcast is making my move a bit unpleasant, with the lack of internet and all, its been a bit difficult to keep up with the rapperists and the music, so I figured it would be a decent idea to “live-blog” the Grammys. Here goes nothing:

• Shit. This a bad idea. The LL Cool J performance in my future confirmed that.

• Is this Taylor Swift song supposed to be a big thing? She sounds kinda awful and looks… fuck it, let’s move on. Bangs. SMH.

• All these bitches wanna be Zooey Deschanel so bad.

• Uncle L’s plastic surgeon is really good.

• Shoutout to Whitney. And Bobby. And Michael. And Quincy Jones’ undeserved rap grammy win from way the fuck back when.

• Beyonce Gang Signs!

• Rihanna is so high. That’s the only explanation for that stupid ass weave that doesn’t even cover her stupid ass forehead.

• Ellen is so lesbiany. I love this bit. Even if she’s just covering up the fact that Beyonce can’t really read. Houston schools are terrible.

• LL Cool J is still talking.

• Why Adele? Why? Being successful is no excuse for wearing drapes.

• Ed Sheeran and Elton John. Insert ginger and/or gay joke.

• Fuck. Elton’s amazing. Still. That jacket is very Liberace.

• I bet Ed and Elton will be the best performance of the night. Understated and classy. I’m such a sucker for duets.

• LL Cool J is boring. Like CBS.

• Pitbull and Jennifer Lopez. The two greatest

• OH SHIT. Even Jay-Z had to adjust his collar when J-LO showed up.

• Adele’s been winning awards for the same songs for like 3 years?

• Duh. Adele. She looks like a jolly ass happy ass bakery. She doesn’t even give a fuck about winning awards anymore. Take note, Taylor Swift.

• Neil Patrick Harris should host this shit. And everything else.

• This is the first time I’ve heard a “fun.” song. Because I’m a nigga. Why are they dressed like Devo sans plastic hats?

• I don’t care for fub. Bring J-LO or NPH back now. The lead singer is a like a really shitty, budget Freddy Mercury. No offense.

• Why does this song have such a muscular guitar solo? Why are they getting wet. No wonder they’re dressed like that. Song’s anthemic enough though. I guess.

• Janelle Monae. That’s all.

• I’m already terrified of this all-star tribute to Bob Marley.

•  I should buy that Dove sleeveless deodorant shit for the summer.

• They remixed the State Farm “Can I Get A Hot Tub!” commercial. Woo!

• I don’t care about country music. I’m just gonna hit mute now.

• John Mayer’s jacket though. Bonnie Raitt seems like a classy dame.

• Is Miranda Lambert thick or fat? Can I get a black twitter ruling on this?

• Get Dierks Bentley the fuck outta here. He sounds like Taylor Swift.

• Is this chubby chandelier lookin ass heffa dancing?

• Miguel. Don’t hump anything. Especially not Wiz Khalifa. Pause.

• Say what you want about Miguel, but that cockatoo-haired coon can sang.

• What’s with the suit patterns? Wiz isn’t high enough. I sense discomfort.

• Country music is sexist like porn. How the fuck did Carrie Underwood blow all those good singing ass white niggas away?

• Jay-Z just wants to be rich, black and sipping on Henny in peace bro.

• Johnny Depp is a damned hobo. A dirty french hobo.

• I don’t know when Mumford & Sons started boring me. Fuck banjos. Fuck Deliverance.

• Lord this song is boring. Even the stomping parts. This shit is making me like white people even less.

• Taylor Swift isn’t cute enough to keep showing up on my screen for this. Sour faced twat.

• I’m always scared when Beyonce speaks. I just feel as if bad things might happen. Thank God for Ellen.

• Ellen is just covering for the fact that Beyonce can’t read.

• Jay-Z wins everything. Except the volume of his mic.

• This new JT song doesn’t have enough falsetto. Or back up vocals.

• Where’s D’Angelo?

• Nas & Kelly Rowland. My two favorite black people after Gianna Michaels.

• Nas such a nigga. Yeah… Peace Gawd.

• Folks really gon hate Chris Brown forever, huh? LOL.

• Black Keys. That’s all I got. Thoroughly uninspiring.

• Alicia Keys is forcing this chlamydia anthem on us, eh?

• Why aren’t these guys playing that Moves Like Jagger shit? This fake wailing anthem shit ain’t the business.

• Alicia was already annoying on one instrument. I’m impressed.

• She does look lovely. She’s my still my second favorite adulteress.

• Look at Jay, B and Solange pretending this song doesn’t suck.

• Like 4 outta 5 performances have had this fake stadium status anthem wailing chanting bullshit. I hope that shit is stillborn.

• Kelly CLARKSON!

• Wait. Why is John Mayer so close to Katy Perry? The devil is a liar.

• Hashtag Sting? Yeah right.

• Rihanna isn’t as awful a singer as folks claim. Future rinsed her on Loveeeee Song though.

• Who is this anonymous Scandinavian fuck? With a beanie? Fuck Los Angeles.

• Ed Sheeran and Sir Elton still winning so far.

• Rihanna

• Will Nas win?  Of course not.

• I don’t wanna watch this anymore.

• Jay-Z probably said some cool suave shit, but I muted this shit. Probably about that silly hat The-Dream is wearing.

• Aight. I really wanted Nas to win that one. If he can’t cop a grammy with Amy Winehouse’s posthumous help, then fuck it.

• Fuck this diary. I ain’t sitting through a Bob Marley tribute after this travesty.

• What kinda idiot gets mad at the grammys though?

• Kat Dennings has really big breasts.

• The Black Keys. And Doctor John.

• I can’t fake this. I’m actually irritated at yet another Nas loss. If he’s used to it by now, I should follow suit.

• Then again, I’m hungry. I’m taking a break. Or I’m done with this.

• I can still hear my TV from the bedroom. My brother is watching that reggae bukkake shit. Sting sounds great and so does ‘Walking On The Moon’, but I’mma just read this book about Johan Cruyff instead of getting up.

• WTF happened to mainstream rock? No fucking balls in any of this new shit lately. Fuck outta here.

* I told my brother (he’s bored enough to keep watching) to holler if anything cool happens. He hollered for Frank Ocean. Pause? I walked back to my room 45 seconds into that piece of shit performance. I don’t care what you critic muthafuckas say, that album was meh and this performance was meh-er. Good songwriter. Weak singer. Shit performer. These are our heroes.

* He also hollered for LL Cool J. I love Uncle L as much as the next human, but there was no way I was rousing myself for that fuck shit after what these assholes did to Nasir.

*v So yeah, this was a disaster. I’m sad about some shit that Nas probably forgot about already. Maaaaaaaaaan, getting old sucks. 25 year old Deen would not have cared about this at all. I think the moral of this story is that COMCAST NEEDS TO GIVE ME MY DAMN INTERNET. The end.