abf74ea7Deen is similar to shoot outs in the Wild West.

There are fewer things more enjoyable in my mediocre life than watching any awards show or major event along with the rest of my Twitter timeline. The jokes are harder, better, faster and stronger. And I’m here for that shit. These people I never intend to meet in real life are like the brothers I never had and the sisters I lust after. Wait a second. Let’s just move on.

Anyway, you already know what this is: live diary time, muthafuckas. To be completely transparent, I was going to do this for the Spain versus Brazil soccer game, but I get the impression that you guys wouldn’t give a fuck about that. So here we are.

And to complete the honesty cycle, I probably wasted my best shit on the red carpet shit that was on before the actual awards. Between Fabolous getting dressed like he got lost on his way to a Pride parade and J.Cole wearing the same Versace sweatshirt as DJ Drama and at least one other random rap nigga, there was some good shit to slander. Let’s do this:

  • Chris Brown isn’t wearing a gold chain Versace sweater like everyone in the pre-show, but I spy some leather. Thanks Kanye.
  • Chris and his dancers are rocking the Shaqnosis. I’m not sure this is better for Reebok than Rapey Rawse’s line on UOENO.
  • And Aaliyah just showed up. Drake is so mad right now.
  • Nicki Minaj looks so good when she tones it down. Trust my opinion on this. I’ve had sex before.

  • MC Lyte is better than this. Let’s find her a better job than BET Awards announcer.
  • Chris Tucker’s here! Woo! Smokey!
  • Wait. Is this nigga broke? New ‘Friday’ on deck?
  • Again, Chris Tucker is one yelping ass nigga.
  • First shots at Miguel. And BET. Well played.
  • So because of Kanye we all have to pretend we care about Charlie Wilson until he dies.
  • I’m kidding. That chicklet toofed negro is awesome.

  • Yup, an IRS joke. Chris Tucker is broke. Again, I hope we get a new Friday. Not a new Rush Hour.
  • Don Cheadle with the Mandela mention. That’s nice. But I wanna turn up. Now.
  • R&B/Pop? Sucks that BET thinks they’re the same shit. But Miguel won. So that’s dope.
  • Commercial break. Time to go drink something tart to keep my hate levels up.
  • Robin Thicke won the summer y’all. Timberlake should have married a black woman too. Idiot.
  • RIP Jon B…
  • Pharrell’s official job description is “looking cool.” Pause.
  • Actually, Pharrell won the summer. And life.

 

  • Thicke > Bieber > Timberlake
  • Fuck Dwayne (sp?) Wade on GP. LeBron’s bitch boy.
  • Best new artist? LOL. Kendrick got that in a smash.

But he got hit with the ultimate ether earlier; the side hug:

https://t.co/50AYsXplI4

 

  • That’s even worse than the church hug. Fuck hugs mane.
  • Why isn’t he here for his award? Kendrick so sad about getting dissed by Nia Long earlier that he went home? Black women ruin everything.
  • Just kidding. Black Queens. I love y’all.
  • Fuck. I just saw Nas in a shitty movie preview. Black Nativity. Two steps forward, 20 back. Thanks Nasir.
  • The IRS is ruining everything. Especially Nas.
  • Wayne Brady at the Black Entertainment Television awards. I don’t know if he did this on purpose, but it’s funny anyway.
  • Kendrick’s performing. Maad City. Good choice. Live instrumentation? Poor choice.
  • Erykah Badu on “Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe.” RIP Kendrick. We lost him.
  • Badu’s going the fuck in though. Sorry Anna Wise/Emeli Sande/Jay-Z.
  • Terrace Martin gotta chill with the horns though.
  • Kendrick held her hand and looked in her eyes. It’s over. He’s done. Nice run kiddo.

  • Chris Tucker will live off Michael Jackson jokes forever.
  • What trap house did they find El DeBarge in?
  • I wonder what Badu’s vagina really feels like. Andre 3000 should make a non-objectifying song about that.
  • Chris Tucker is dying on-stage because the producers want him to stall. That’s some black shit.
  • I sense R.Kelly in the near future. This is awesome!!!
  • R.Kelly is dressed like a hedgehog and singing over trap drums. I approve.
  • And doing the old shit. All those bitches finna get pregnant tonight.
  • Damn. Twitter jail. I’m sad. I’m fueled by the LOLs and LMAOs. Ion’t wanna do this anymore.

  • Young Jeezy and Mariah? I don’t know how to feel about this.
  • This sounds real DJ Mustardy. And why ain’t Miguel singing with her? He passed her up for J.Cole? That’s gay.
  • Jeezy’s doing RIP!
  • I hope Gibbs runs on stage and kills this peanut headed nigga.
  • Nick Cannon is the corniest. Kevin Hart ain’t far behind. But his 2Chainz joke was great.
  • Actually, Kevin Hart is kinda great.
  • Jamie Foxx is also great. His impressions are dope. So was Django.
  • Fuck Dwayne Wade. Still.
  • Janelle Monae annoys me. And I want to fuck. But she annoys me.
  • Nicki Minaj. She’s pretty. She brought her wife up. That’s nice.
  • I don’t have an original Miguel joke anymore. I’m tapped out. Pause.
  • Oh wait. Is that fur on that Mexinigga’s shoulders?
  • Kendrick sounds much better in this performance than with Badu wailing over him.
  • Miguel would win everything if he faked another stage jump RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

 

  • Kendrick. Now he’s being boring on stage. Praising the Lord and shit. But he gave a really touching speech up there. Good guy.
  • JT is here to say nice things about Charlie Wilson. Until he apologizes for Janet and gets her back from that Arab nigga, we ain’t cool. Fuck him. #TeamBieber
  • Charlie Wilson has a white wife? That just feels wrong to me. I’m sorry. Down with miscegeny.
  • India Arie blows. She makes music for women that refuse to wax.
  • Jamie Foxx is blowing this shit. Maybe Nas and AZ can come and save this rendition of ‘Yearning For Your Love.’
  • Oh shit. Stevie Wonder’s outchea. He killed it! But he looks like… you know what? I’ll leave the Stevie jokes to you assholes. I only insult Ray Charles.
  • Charlie Wilson is amazing. No joke there.
  • On the other hand, Snoops emerging dreadlocks are a damn joke.
  • Justin Timberlake. I can’t stay mad at him. Pause. He’s a charming lad.
  • This performance is amazing. Did y’all know that Pharrell can SANG?
  • And J.Cole has to follow this? LOL. Young Eeyore is fucked. Better bring Nas out or something.
  • Yeah. That performance was as boring as his boring ass album. Next.
  • I’m going to go to YouTube and watch Jay-Z do the BET Awards back in 2001.
  • Is this Ciara thing happening for real? I’m not sold. I bet she and Future are already done, so I don’t why I should care anymore.
  • Nicki Minaj will drop a really dope rap album someday. Or not. But a nigga can dream. She sure can rap.
  • Future better come out for sure. All this other unnecessary shit is going on stage.
  • All this lip syncing is putting a real nigga to sleep. Her abs are nice, but so are mine in about 3 more weeks, so whatever Ciara.
  • Forrest Whitaker is too awkward to be really black. When’s the next racial draft.
  • Fuck the Miami Heat.
  • What’s all this random Jamaican shit?
  • Is this because of Yeezus?
  • 2Chainz. Yes. I’m excited. With Pharrell. Why didn’t I write about this. I like this song and I’ve liked it for a few weeks. Thanks to Pharrell.
  • Pharrell’s take on this trap shit is super classy…
  • 2Chainz’s outfit on the other hand…Nigga looks like a cowboy that ODed on peyote.
  • ASAP Rocky’s here. Looking like the cover of an Aunt Jemima bottle. And Angela Bassett like his song about fucking mad bitches. I’m so confused.
  • Drake’s absence is him saying he’s better than all the other black people. He’s tryna ruin Black/Jewish relations with this no show. Fucking asshole.
  • Janelle Monae is gonna close this out methinks, but I’m switching back to Sportscenter to save my dick the confusion. He’s had a rough day.

Well, that was fun. Especially the Charlie Wilson performance. He’s pretty fucking great. I should see a live set before that white woman kills him. So I hope y’all got a chuckle or two outta this. Until the next hilarious TV + Music thingy, it’s adios…