Setting: Betty Goldstein P.h.D’s lavishly appointed office in downtown Atlanta.

Young Jeezy sits nervously on a plush couch, twiddling his fingers, alternately staring at the thick wool carpet and into the eyes of his new psychiatrist, Betty Goldstein, a middle-aged woman in a Chanel suit and a Marge Simpson-block of hair.

Betty Goldstein: Now, Jeezy, can I call you Jeezy?

Jeezy: Ch-Yeahhhhh!!! Ha-ha-ha!!

Goldstein: Very good. Now tell me what brought you into see me. I understand that your friend Mr. Robert Kelly referred you here. I hope you don’t have the same problem as him. He’s lucky I haven’t turned him over to the authorities.

Jeezy: They think I’m shallow but I think so deep. Ayy!!!

Goldstein: Fascinating. Well, at first glance Jeezy, you seem insecure but constantly trying to build up your self-esteem by bragging. But let’s dig deeper, how deep do you think you are?

Jeezy: Deep as the abyss. Let’s Get it!!

Goldstein: Let’s get what?

Jeezy: Hypnotized, you are hypnotized!!

Jeezy Love the Trap

Goldstein: Hypnosis. Yes. Certainly an interesting option, young man. But I’m not sure hypnosis is required to solve a case of a negative self-image. Maybe you should tell me something about yourself….about your history and about your past. I listened to your first album and you seemed to be fascinated by something called the trap. By golly, it seemed as you though you had to talk about it every six seconds. Does this trap have anything to do with The Parent Trap? Are you a big Lindsay Lohan fan?

Jeezy: Jeezy and Leezy love the trap. Whoa! But Jeezy also love the grind!

Goldstein: Ah…I happen to have loved that program myself. That Eric Nies had such fantastic abs. Tell me more, Jeezy, what else interests you in your young life besides young starlets and MTV dance videos? I’m sure there’s more to you.

Jeezy ‘Bout The Grind

Jeezy: Jeezy likes to smoke.

Goldstein: What else?

Jeezy: Jeezy likes to drink. Che-ya-aahhh!!

Goldstein: Anything else you’re holding back on me?

Jeezy: Jeezy likes to mix Armand Hammer with his coke.Yup!

Goldstein: Well, now we’re getting somewhere. Perhaps you have a substance abuse problem Have you ever considered seeking help? There are plenty of 12-Steps that may have the answers for you.

Jeezy: I smoke all day lord knows I stay high, but when I go to hell, lord knows I’m going to fry.

Goldstein: Most intriguing. Is Hell something you fear?

Jeezy: I’m heartless. I need to see the Wizard. Ay Ay!!

But Does the Wizard Know How to Freebase?

Goldstein: Why do you insist on adding Ay Ay or Ch-yeah, or Ha Ha after nearly every sentence? Are you high right now?

Jeezy: I’m higher than a pelican. Damn!

Goldstein: Well, Jeezy, I must say I’m disappointed in you. Showing up high to a therapist’s meeting is in poor taste.

She looks at her watch.

Goldstein (cont’d): Well, it appears that our hour is about to come to an end. Is there anything else you’d like to add? Anything that might shed light on what brought you in here?

Jeezy: I’ve got the streets on lock. Atlanta on my back. When I speak everyone believe me. Because bitch I’m Jeezy.

Goldstein: That’s what the bill will say at least. Now do you write checks as Young Jeezy or Jay Jenkins.

Jeezy: I command you to get money.

Goldstein: No, I think you have it confused. I command you to pay me money. Will that be cash or check?

Jeezy: I’m on the block all day with the blocks all day. What ya say!

Goldstein: Sadly, we don’t take blocks as a form of payment. I assume “blocks” is some sort of street-slang for cash.

Jeezy: Ch–yeahh!!!!!

Goldstein: Glad to hear it. See you next Thursday at 3:00.

Jeezy: Perfect. At about three O’ Clock in the morning? I’ll have my thang cocked, cuz them boys be on it.

Goldstein: Uh…okay…well whatever you want to do behind closed doors is your own prerogative. In the meantime, your goal for next week is to really work on thinking positively about yourself. You don’t need to have the streets on lock all the time. Sometimes, even thugs need some alone time.

Rating: 5.1

MP3: Young Jeezy-“3 A.M.”
MP3: Young Jeezy-“I Luv It”

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