11 days, 4,000 miles later and 6,732 people who told me that “it might be cheaper to fly,” I’m finally back in Los Angeles, a little older and a little Weisser (and yet, clearly still not wise enough to stop making bad puns). I suppose the standard question everyone wants to know is how was it? Of course, it’s more than a little futile to try to sum up 11 days of music and madness in just a few sentences. As I mentioned last week, I covered the Festival for Kevin Bronson’s LA Times Buzz Bands blog, so if you’re at all still interested in my thoughts on the festival itself, head over there for some belated coverage.

As for the extra-curricular activities that help to make Bonnaroo the best festival in the States, well, they’re unpublishable on a family-friendly blog such as this one. And when I mean unpublishable, I mean that I’m in the process of writing something more comprehensive for Stylus. Tune in at some point next week. Until then, check out my road trip partner, Davey Crockett’s thoughts on the festival.

As for my travels across the United States, I arrived at many revelations and conclusions, the greater majority of which were pretty obvious, possibly defamatory and positively puerile. Originally, I had planned on avoiding such a post, but thought better of when I realized that pointing out obvious, puerile and slanderous things is what blogging is all about it. Game on.

1. Contrary to popular belief, Flagstaff, Az. on a Monday night is not a happening place. Consequently, it is not a wise move to believe hotel clerks that brag about a famous “Martini Mondays” at the local Sports Bars. Also not a wise move? Deciding to throw a “Martini Mondays” night at the local sports bar in Flagstaff, Az.

2. At certain McDonalds’ restaurants, they offer something called a Minty Mudslide. Ostensibly, this refers to a certain type of milkshake. However, I am reasonably sure that the fiendish minds at McDonald’s named it after a bizarre German sex act. Drink it at your own peril.

3. The world would be a much better place if they had Steak N-Shakes and Waffle Houses’ in Los Angeles. Waffle House’s All Star Special Breakfast with cheese n’ eggs, cheese n’ grits, sauge & Raisin bread is that crack. Literally. As every night the Murfeesboro, Tennessee Waffle House fills up with crack whores past 2 a.m. True story.

If You Take Away The U and the S and the E, You Get….Nevermind

4. In a decade filled with brilliant posse cuts (top 10 Posse Cuts of the 90’s list coming soon), “Flipmode Squad Meets Def Squad” from Busta Rhymes’ The Coming is the most underrated and perhaps one of the five best. Of course, it’s clear which crew was better. You can argue that Red and Busta’s verses cancel each other out. But Keith Murray bests Rampage in the weed carrier shoot-out every single time.

MP3: Busta Rhymes feat. Redman, Keith Murray, Rampage et. al-“Flipmode Squad Meets Def Squad.” (left-click)

5. Speaking of underrated, The Lords of the Underground’s 1993, Marley Marl-produced Here Comes the Lords is probably the most underrated rap album of the decade. I’ll have more on this soon. In the meantime, listen to “Here Comes the Lords” and try to argue with me.

MP3: Lords of the Underground-“Here Comes the Lords” (left-click)

6. Inhaling at the Clinton Library in Little Rock? A must. Nothing says trippy like Janet Reno and Donna Shalala…..on weed.

More Like Donna Shalalove

7. Naming a restaurant, Grandma Max’s is just a bad idea. I’m fully in favor of people being themselves. However, I am not willing to frequent a restaurant named after transvestite grandparents. Maybe that’s just me.

8. The only drug you can’t get at Bonnaroo is weed. Figure that one out.

9. There are places in America that are so redneck that they put thousand island on burritos. The fact that this actually can and does occur is as strong an argument for increased Mexican immigration as any.

10. Truckers are apparently the only people in America that still listen to cassette tapes. According to my informal survey, the most popular trucker tapes in America are Bread’s Greatest Hits, Frampton Comes Alive and The Best of Deep Purple.

11. Upon entering the state of Tennessee, the song “Tennessee” by Arrested Development should always be played at a very high volume. If possible, one should also go down to Peach St. and/or play a game of horseshoes.

MP3: Arrested Development-“Tennessee” (left-click)

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