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Welcome to yet another edition of Disco Vietnam’s The Pick-Up Artist, because if there is one thing the members of Disco Vietnam understand it’s women. Today’s lesson will be brought to you, once again, by Disco Vietnam affiliate and board-certified mack Dr. Chet Rockstone. Dr. Rockstone has slept with so many chicks his balls can hold their own presidential primary.

“Black man watch out, she salt-water trout
Al Deuce dug her back out, inside the dugout.
Heard the pussy was good, big niggaz fell victim
Mentally stripped em, one God turned Christian!

– Ghostface Killah, “Marvel”

Yo God, let me pour y’all the science about the womb
It’s a black hole for those who lose control

– RZA, “Marvel”

Full disclosure: I, Dr. Chet Rockstone, am a Giants fan to the death. Let’s Go G-men!!! I never miss a game; I’m on the waitlist for season tickets (35 more years!); I even fully endorse the use of the term “G-fense” in casual conversation. So I might be a little biased when I say I think our defense played their fucking asses off Sunday night baby! Even Eli Manning came through with a gutsy, gutsy performance, a performance made all the more impressive when you consider he’s only 6-years-old! What could you do when you were 6-years-old!? Huh?!

Still, burdened with the wisdom that comes with being Dr. Chet Rockstone, I can find little satisfaction in this victory. In spite of our seemingly great performance I can’t help but think … perhaps ‘twas darker forces that conspired for our favor; dark forces whose power is beyond anything you or I could ever imagine.

Pussy.

Nice Izod Shirt

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We have a lot of fun here at Disco Vietnam Pick-Up Artistry, don’t we? We drink some beers, have a couple of laughs, and we learn stuff about chicks to manipulate them into doing things with us they don’t even realize they might like doing yet. But, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get serious for a minute:

When I talk about pussy, I’m not talking about women. I’m talking about pussy. There is a world of difference and understanding this difference is crucial to both your personal and professional survival.

They say behind every great man is a great woman. If we are to accept this rather suspiciously convenient logic (I’m onto you “They.” You’re probably some chick) then, naturally, behind every disgrace, failure and fallen empire is the dry stench of salt-water trout. Women weaken legs but pussy will weaken your entire existence. Especially if you ask it to.

The haunting closing track of Ghostface Killah’s 1996 debut Ironman “Marvel” will tell you everything you need to know about pussy, the nature of pussy and the ways in which pussy can destroy a man before he even gets a chance to become one. A companion piece to the greatest break-up song of all time, the appropriately vitriolic “Wildflower,” “Marvel” is a veritable laundry list of the consequences you invite into your life when you confuse love for lust and let your temptations govern your decisions. Never let your dick think for you. That’s your brain’s job and he’s awesome at it. And never, ever confuse your dick for your heart, either.

Whoever Took This Should’ve Won a Pullitzer

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Tony Romo’s had a rough few weeks. He was placed in the rather precarious position of continuing to lead the Dallas Cowboys to a storied season while being presented with the unique opportunity to fuck someone he’s basically admitted jerking off to on multiple occasions. These opportunities don’t come around everyday (though studies have shown the odds increase considerably when you’re a quarterback at any level of play. Even Junior Floyd got the Icebox!), and Romo did what any normal human being would do. He’s the quarterback and she’s the homecoming queen; they’re basically required by Texan law to get together.

Jessica Simpson’s pussy is a lot like the steroids scandal: it certainly must have some sort of effect on performance, unfortunately that effect cannot be measured or quantified in any statistically conclusive or even remotely tangible way. But Jessica Simpson’s pussy had been publicly identified as a potential threat to the general populace long before she stepped out on the balcony with that #9 Jersey. Regardless of whether or not his relationship with Jessica Simpson affected his performance Romo invited the negativity surrounding that kind of situation into his professional life by being public about who he was fucking. Time will tell if this situation will have an effect on the rest of his career. I suspect it won’t. He carried himself rather well and didn’t play as poorly as some would have you believe. But even so, that shit was a little too close for the people of Dallas, TX. He must earn their trust all over again. All because of pussy.

(Dr. Chet Rockstone Sidenote, to be heretofore referred to as “Chit-Chet:” Few may remember but this isn’t even the first time pussy has threatened a Dallas sports team with obliteration! Back in 1996 the Mavericks were primed to become the NBA’s team of the future until Toni Braxton convinced Jason Kidd and Jimmy Jackson to assassinate Jamal Mashburn. I think that’s the story.)

The Other Pretty Toni

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Last year, when accused of trying to kill himself Terrell Owens laughed as though it was the most ridiculous thing in the world and you were a fool to have ever believed it was true in the first place. But to hear the criticism of Tony Romo, implying his vacation with Simpson may have contributed to their loss, drove this man to tears.

“This is not about Tony. You guys can point the finger at him, you can talk about the vacation,

and if you do that, it’s really unfair. That’s my teammate. That’s my quarterback. You guys do that, it’s not fair. We lost as a team. We lost as a team, man.”

Owens is right. But Tony Romo is still learning like all of us. It isn’t fair Tony Romo has to learn these hard lessons in front of all these people with all this pressure. I believe Owens truly feels for him and those tears are because he knows Romo still has no choice but to learn.

And you my friends, my padawans, would be wise to do the same, preferably not the hard way like Tony Romo with Jessica Simpson and Ghostface Killah with Wildflower and all the unfortunate souls who fell prey to the pink darkside of the Force. They never stood a chance. They never stood a chance against the power that is pussy. Respect that power. Marvel at that power.

But if you always remember to stay on point, to see beyond your decisions you will be impervious to its dark powers. You can have as much of Jessica Simpson’s pussy as you want. Or you can find that great woman behind your greatness; you’ll be a king with his queen and, if you’re lucky, a Vince Lombardi trophy.

But until then LET’S GO GIANTS BABY!!! G-FENSE!

Get on point

Be on point

Stay on point

Dr. Chet Rockstone

Download:
MP3: Ghostface Killah (ft. Rza)- “Marvel”
MP3: Disco Vietnam-“The NP (Natalie Portman)

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