Inspired by a headline on that described Fat Joe’s latest opus as a ‘gangster rap album'” (as though he were departing from his recent string of prog-folk-protest-spoken words LP’s), Zilla Rocca has stared into the abyss and uncovered shocking scoops about a slew of upcoming rap records. Please feel free to add your own news updates as you see fit. 


  • Fat Joe describes upcoming album as a “gangster rap album” that will get “no love whatsoever from the streets” but sell “a sh*tload of ringtones” because of his “versatility” and “love” for Miami, Houston, Atlanta, the Bay Area, and whichever “hot” hip hop spot pops up during the recording of said album, which he will no doubt “incorporate” in bringing that “new Fat Joe sh*t.”
  • Lil’ Wayne describes upcoming album as an “uneven collection of similar, overly praised punchlines by white hipster bloggers who drink Sparks for breakfast.”  Wayne also describes his upcoming album as a dedication to his “hetero-lifemate” Birdman, akin to what “Jay and Silent Bob would do on record” if they were tattooed “Southern millionaire, ballers” who hated wearing t-shirts.
  • Busta Rhymes describes upcoming album as “my greatest attempt yet to break the world’s record for use of the ‘n word’ on a recorded piece of media.”  Sources tell that possible song titles include “All My N*ggas and B*tches In the Place Need to Value Chivalry,” “N*ggas Really Enjoy My New Muscles, and So Do B*tches,” and “All My N*ggas in the House Haven’t Been Satisfied Since ‘E.L.E’.”

Somebody’s Gonna’ Bake An Awfully Large Pizza


  • Raekwon describes upcoming Cuban Linx 2 album as “the best write-off Dr. Dre has ever handled, dunn.”  Full of “punch you in your sh*t” tracks, the Chef promises to take fans into his “chamber, namean, where you got the Lex Diamond and the Figaro King on some ‘oh sh*t’ namean, ‘cause yo, when this pelican drops out the sky real quick, namean the game gon’ be a casserole at Sunday brunch, n*gga!”  Calls to Aftermath have not been returned, nor do they have any record of a “Raekwon” on their roster of artists.
  •  Eminem describes upcoming album as “my best 70 minute dick joke yet.”  Marshall Mathers, who hasn’t released a proper studio album 2004’s Encore, has been in the studio “really studying the art of production” by listening to more “late 70s and early 80s rock radio songs” and promising to incorporate new sounds like “whatever Dr. Dre is doing right now,” only “really, really quite terrible.”
  • Lauryn Hill describes her long awaited follow up to 1998’s Album of the Year The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill as a “work in progress.” But Ms. Hill wants her fans not to worry– Pras, her fellow Fugee cohort, will “not be allowed within 200 yards of a microphone, mixing console, vocal booth, or soda machine.”
  • Jay-Z describes his follow-up to the recently released American Gangster Soundtrack as a “look into my past as a former drug dealer who turned his life around by succeeding in the music business and eventually landing a famous singer, opening some clubs, and owning a basketball franchise.”  Early reports link Mr. Carter, formerly president of Def Jam/Universal, and his new album to the next logical movie tie-in, Sylvester Stallone’s Rambo.

MP3: Zilla Rocca-“Hold Your Head”
MP3: Zilla Rocca-“Faster Blade Freestyle”

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