August 7, 2008

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Last week reggaeton star, Daddy Yankee and Arizona Senator John McCain met to discuss immigration, education and a possible Yankee endorsement of the Republican candidate for president. While a transcript of the interview has not officially surfaced, my top-secret sources have thankfully provided the details of what transpired during Daddy Yankee and Granddaddy McCain’s summit.

Int. Secretary John McCain’s Washington Office-Early Evening.

A knock is heard. John McCain turns off the episode of Wheel of Fortune.

McCain: Come in.

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The door opens, Daddy Yankee enters.

McCain: Hello Daddy Yankee. Can I call you daddy?

Daddy Yankee: Yo, it’s your boy Daddy Yankee, I got this game locked down.

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McCain: I too enjoy a good game of Monopoly or Clue.

An aide whispers in his ear.

McCain: And Bible Bombardment. Gotta’ appeal to the base.

Daddy Yankee: Pump the bass. Move it. Move it.

McCain: That’s precisely what I’ve been telling my advisers. The base isn’t set in stone. We just need to devise a strategy that can get our point across. If only the media wasn’t so in love with Barack. Don’t they understand that my energy plan makes the most sense . I’m about lowering the cost of gas now!

Daddy Yankee: A ella le gusta la gasolina.

McCain: Of course, she does, it’s about off-shore drilling, nuclear power, tapping into the US strategic oil reserve. Everyone likes driving their car. When I used to be stationed in Pensacola, Florida as a young naval officer, I used to go cruising to the malt shop with this floozy named Trixie. We necked and necked and necked.

Daddy Yankee: Dame mas gasolina. Como encanta la gasolina.

McCain: Ha ha. You sound just like George there.

Daddy Yankee: I got my heart. I got my balls and enough heart to break y’alls jaws.

McCain: Have you ever given any thought to enlisting in the military? We could use a few more thousand people just like you if we’re going to be able to secure a peace in Iraq for the next hundred years.

Daddy Yankee: I’d rather round out my n—s from Puerto Rico to help me out with this war.

McCain: The Army is always recruiting too.

Daddy Yankee: Bring it on.

Another knock is heard at the door. Cindy McCain enters, pomegranate martini in hand. McCain adviser Carly Fiorina follows her inside the office.

McCain: Hello pookie, I’d like you to meet a good friend of mine, a uh…Mr. Daddy Yankee.

Cindy McCain: I know who he is. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Yankee.

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Daddy: You know who I am. I’m your papi, papi, papi, papi.

They shake hands, she looks seductively into his eyes.

McCain: How did you know who he was?

Cindy: C’mon, John. Get with the times. Everyone who’s anyone in Washington reads Dub.

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Daddy Yankee: Daddy suena activa. Con el sandel Caribe. Les mamis se lo vive. Pega y te melato.

Cindy(squealing): Ooh, I just love it when he speaks in Spanish. It reminds me of back home. Can I offer you a beer?

Daddy Yankee: Tienes medalla?

Cindy nods blankly.

McCain: Ok, Daddy. Let’s talk about big things. Immigration policy. Education. This Ragu-tons thing you were telling me about over the phone.

Daddy Yankee: What you know about big things? Chrome wheels own deals.

Cindy: See John, this is why you need to read Dub.

Daddy Yankee turns to Cindy.

Daddy Yankee: Me and you, holding it down. It’s all real, come on.

Cindy: (blushing) Well, I’m flattered that you think it’s all real, but I have had a little work done.

Daddy Yankee: Yo lo tengo, whu-whu-what. Mucho carnito ma. El papi lover te lo da.

Carly Fiorina turns to Cindy.

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Carly Fiorina: Did you know that viagra is covered under some health care plans but not birth control?

McCain grows flustered and grabs his wife’s hand.

McCain: Who said anything about viagra?

Daddy Yankee turns to Cindy.

Daddy Yankee: With a girl like you, you forget the nonsense. We peeps don’t give a fuck about the chicos and gossip.

McCain: This is positively preposterous, Cindy. Besides, at least I don’t plaster on my make-up like a trollop, you cunt.

Cindy: There you go with the trollop stuff again. That’s it, I’ve had enough. I’m leaving.

She grabs Daddy Yankee’s hand.

Cindy: C’mon Daddy Yankee, give me the straight talk express.

Daddy Yankee takes her hand and shrugs at McCain.

Daddy Yankee: I got this game locked down.

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