The Beat Generation: Eff a F Word

Zilla Rocca has never attended a conference for stuttering children, though he lives by Big Pun’s credo that even if you stutter, he will still sh…sh…shit on you. Good friends and...
By    December 11, 2008

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Zilla Rocca has never attended a conference for stuttering children, though he lives by Big Pun’s credo that even if you stutter, he will still sh…sh…shit on you.

Good friends and fans of The Passion and Clap Cowards, I feel like we’re family—you can borrow my Murs CD and never give it back, I can crash on your futon after a show in your town, we both hate the same M. Knight Shamalamadingdong movies, etc.  You’ve been gracious enough to read my ramblings, steal my music, and hate on my Justin Timerblake fandom for almost two years now and I am truly grateful.  With that said, I feel comfortable enough around you to kick it from the heart, yo. p>
Ladies: what’s with this “friends” bullshit? Much disrespect to Monica and Chandler.

I had a date recently with a nice young lady who thankfully doesn’t read my writing’s online.Before we went out, I noticed her Facebook page had an enormous amount of photos with other dudes in them yet her marital status was “single.” Cool—losers are relegated to being tagged in Facebook photos, not tagging said woman in the sheets.God loves ugly.Beautiful girls love done up men who won’t be getting a nitch of natch.

At the conclusion of our evening, after several cups of lager and games of pool, I went in to seal the deal and, is if she had advance scouts follow my strategies in preparation for a Frito Lay-sponsored college bowl game, she artfully maneuvered my hook and gave me a friendly hug, noting she “had a great time” and POOF!  She was out of my car like bats from hell, bullets from a gun, Big O from a buffet missing chicken fried steak . She even texted me later that night thanking me for “hanging out” because it was “sooo much fun J.*”

What the hell just happened?

At no point before or after the evening did I indicate that we were going out as “pals,” two grown folks of the opposite sex meeting up after 7pm to “kick it” and not “fornicate.”I complimented her outfit, her scent, her eyes.I asked in-depth questions about her profession, her penchant for exclamation points at all turns, why Hooters isn’t a bad stop-gap job.  We went out to eat and the body language she gave off indicated she would be down for the get down later on.

These Guys Are So Lame But You Seem Really Cool.

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Umm…not really!

No, it appeared that I was a man asking her out on a weekend evening to eat, drink, play pool and watch a band because none of my other 82 male friends/associates/acquaintances were available to do such.

Am I fucking crazy?

The next morning I sat and thought about this over a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch, and I came to realize this:

Every female I’ve known that was born and raised in the suburbs had a ridiculous amount of male friends their entire lives. Whether they grew up in Pittsburgh, or Andalusia, or West Chester, or Folcroft, it appears that beautiful babes are surrounded by male “buds” who don’t want to take off their pants as much as they want to drink Coors Light, play Madden, and eat cheeseburgers with them.

Huh?

I started thinking about the kind of female friends I’ve had over the years, as well as the female friends kept by my homies.We are of South Philadelphia and this is how we get down.We are “friends” with a chick who:
1. We aren’t really attracted to but has a hot friend. The kinda ugly friend becomes our conduit and a bond is formed after the hot chick gets herpes from the bartender at Pop Pop’s II.This is actual friendship that starts out of necessity but evolves into a loyal camaraderie.

2. We are really attracted to but who has an assclown of a boyfriend that we are counting the days until he blows it so that we may swoop in.  This moment of vulnerability-turned-hot-over-the-line-friend-sex is the only acceptable time to play Coldplay.  Then things get “twisted” and “complicated” and the friendship is ruined.  But we score!  (Note: this scenario potentially takes years to pay off but is mostly worth it.  Not for the impatient nor impotent.)

3. We used to make out with/date/be engaged to but it didn’t work out, however their knack for pop culture references is so enthralling, we get over it and become platonic—until both of us are drunk.  Friends with benefits I guess**.
4. We are really attracted to but we have a girlfriend.  Sometimes, we try to talk said girlfriend into having a three-way with this “girl friend” and then play it off as a joke when actual girlfriend is insulted and disgusted.  “What?  I WOULD never do it with Gwen.  She’s like my FRIEND, you know?  I’m like her big brother.”

5. We are really attracted to but have no guts to make a move, so this friendship goes on and on and on hoping that one day the female has the balls to open her eyes and notice that everything she ever wanted was right under her nose the whole time!  Meg Ryan’s seven properties and personal staff of 19 are eternally grateful for these guys.  Word to John Cusack.  

Sack It Up

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Are my urban based friends and I savage, horny, closeminded, traditional, and devious?  You betcha!  But we are also bold, forward, honest, direct, and manly.  These suburb cats, what exactly are they getting out of this arrangement?  Do they genuinely cherish the life long bond they have with beautiful females they will never see naked?  It’s not like having the one guy friend who is a “sweetheart” to women (note: he’s a pussy)—these American Eagle guys across the board have a squad of chicks in their lives who are totally cool with being seen in a hoodie, sweatpants, and a scrungie on the daily.   

Reading over that last paragraph, I sound like I watch Spike TV too much.  I don’t.  I just can’t get my head around proudly spending time with an available beautiful woman if there is no chase, no romance, no possible rejection, no potential neckgrabbing***.  I’m maybe too aware of my maleness and too aware of her female form to get past the platonic gateway—is that some subtle form of sexism in today’s ultra-sensitive culture?  If so, I don’t care.  You can’t numb attraction, folks.  So why did this chick ASSUME friendship from the gate?

One of the ladies that I’m cool with (not friends) said on this subject that she has a bunch of male friends she is extremely close with since childhood.  She’s slept in the same bed as one of them and nothing happened, and she would be skeeved out if it did.  She’s hooked up with a male friend on a drunken bender and then almost cried when she sobered up because it ruined the friendship.

Vince Neil just committed suicide.

Were things always like this?  The majority of chicks I’ve been friends with are women I have yet to kiss, and most of them I end up kissing down the line.  But I’ve stopped that practice in 2001 after realizing I never wanted to be the lovable friend ever again.  It’s useless to be neutered around someone you are attracted to for the sake of “chilling.”  Sure, women are interesting and funny and layered people, and I’m not suggesting interactions solely based on swinging an ep’ on a backstreet.  But if that thought is running rampant DURING the interaction, why lie and pretend to be non-threatening/safe/asexual?

Say what you will about South Philly, but guys here do not lack machismo, cockiness, or alpha male tendencies.  “Hunters” is probably the best word.  I’ve spent a lot of time outside of the concrete and never noticed this epidemic until now. 

Where does it come from?  Am I totally full of shit?  If not, can I add your hot female friends on Facebook?

I’ve said this before, but I’ll leave you all with this quote from one of my best friends.  This was his response to a woman he interested in dating who tried to christen their upcoming night out as a “time to hang out as friends:”

“If I wanted more friends, I’d join a book club.  I want to date you because I’m attracted to you.”

Needless to say, they are not hangin’ out tonight eating sloppy joes.
*Charlie Murphy was right on “The Boondocks”: bitches love smiley faces.

**What is the proper age limit to cut off friends with benefits?  It starts off usually in college but Jerry and Elaine on “Seinfeld” were doing it in their 40s. Do people in their 50s ever text a shorty on some “What’s good witchu?  Wanna come over to hang out?  I got West Wing on DVR.”

***Used primarily to touch her soul.  Kanye’s got David Cronenberg’s Crash on his iPod, yo.  Put money on it.

Download:

MP3: Camera Obscure-“I Need All The Friends I Can Get”
MP3: Biz Markie-“Just a Friend”

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