January 14, 2009

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At times, I’m convinced that Scott Towler and I were the only ones who found Prime Time Glick hilarious.

“I’d rather be rapping and blogging at the same time—it’s like DJing my thoughts! On a computer!” – Zilla Rocca 1/7/09

Scott Towler: So what exactly is a Zilla?

Zilla Rocca: A female lizard from Armenia.

ST: So are you a fan of Godzilla then?

ZR: I am not a fan of one diety of “Zilla.”

ST: Let’s get to the real root of the question though…why are the Japanese so scared of giant animals? Aren’t pandas like their go-to cuddly?

ZR: Because giant animals cannot so easily get shots, tags, etc. Imagine if Godzilla got an ear infection, or Mothra jumped over the back fence? We’re talking a catastrophe the size of “The Spirit.”

ST: Do you have a go-to cuddly?

ZR: I’m a rapper. We only cuddle with Teflon. And old school Teddy Ruxpin dolls. And Teddy Ruxpin dolls covered in Kevlar.

ST: The streets is rough, huh?

ZR: If you’re an ‘80s automated teddy bear with a cassette player in your back with a penchant for children and D batteries…hell yeah

Zilla Rocca’s Customized Teddy Ruxpin Doll

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ST: It’s kind of a throwback to the “old school” emcees carrying around a huge boombox on their shoulder. Which reminds me…let’s talk about the vernacular language of hip hop. Has the phrase “old school” completely lost it’s meaning today?

ZR: It has to a certain degree. Old school used to mean hip hop made in the 80s. Now it means anything made before 2000. It’s kinda weird when Biggie is considered “old school.” What the hell does that make Kwame and UTFO?

ST: I’m not even sure who those people are, so I’ll just move on. Do you do a lot of cooking? I always hear Jazz musicians say they’re “cooking,” but I never see any food.

ZR: First of all, I am not a jazz musician. I’m a hip hop MC, which entails writing lyrics, freestyling off the head, and tossing some turkey burgers on the Foreman grill. Come by my house on a Monday night, yo—I’ll show how the hell South Philly gets down!

ST: Now, the word ‘urban’ is used a lot today to take the place of the word ‘black.’ I know this, because I’ve watched the news in the south. Have white people become more racist with all these ‘soft words?’

ZR: Yes they have. But I was recently at the mall and saw some black people at “The Gap” and “H&M.” It was weird because they are essentially the Wayne Brady of urban fashion. The Kanye influence spreads.

ST: Ahh. And Kanye is a basketball player, or did you misspell Kenya? I’ve heard they’re a very well dressed people down there.

ZR: Yeah I’ve spent some time in Kenya over the last few leap years. Good folks. They invented the calculator wristwatch. But I was actually referring to KANYE West, who is a rapper/producer from America. His fashion choices appear 2 years later at Burlington Coat Factory, one of my many sponsors. Oh yeah—one second: Why pay top dollar for all those brand names? Head down to Burlington Coat Factory, where all your favorite winter items are being sold up to 70% off!

ST: What a steal! What’s your favorite worst movie?

ZR: Van Damme’s Bloodsport. I love this movie! You don’t have to be wasted to determine that it’s easily the funniest movie of the 80s. It’s on SpikeTV a lot, but you can grab it pretty much anywhere. It’s like John Hughes meets SCTV meets Asian death tournaments where men are wagered on and brutally beaten to death in underground battles. YEAH!

Van Damme Responding to Reports of a Sale at Burlington Coat Factory

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ST: Oh, right, my uncle Reemus died in one of those. Bitches: redheads or blondes?

ZR: Redheads.

ST: Are you accepting women with that dignified mustache over their upper lip that they refuse to wax, thinking that ‘bleaching it makes it disappear?’

ZR: I’m from South Philly, the land of beautiful Italian girls. 19% of beautiful Italian girls have some peach fuzz on their upper lip. Bleaching does not make it disappear though—it just slowly poisons me when we make out in the bathroom at the bar. No good, ladies…

ST:Personally, I’d like to see rap go back to the days of Zubaz pants and fade haircuts. Like in Juice or House Party 4. How long do you think it will be ‘til we see that?ZR: 7 weeks, bro. Blow the dust off your Starter jacket and African medallions.

ST: What makes Philly so great? The Soft Pretzels?

ZR: Philly is all about teamwork and a burning desire to see you fail at everything ever!

ST: See, I feel like Eagles fans are the only ones in the country that were booing a team that made the play offs. I mean, Detroit couldn’t even get a win this year, but their fans were all smiles.

ZR: Real talk (which means “honestly”), Eagles fans have a right to demand excellence. They shell out money, generation after generation, to watch a team that has never won a Super Bowl and does just enough to fall short of it. It’s maddening. It’s like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football, only in this case Eagles fans are Linus fingerbanging Sally in the great pumpkin patch. I don’t think I could break it down any clearer.

ST: No, that made perfect sense. Philly is really all about the mustard, right?

ZR: I don’t know about no damn mustard but that nacho dip at the Pretzel factory is the shit! It’s got a slight tanginess to it. Also, 2ew Gunn Ciz gave me that answer.

ST: How is your career similar to the best cheese steak in Philly?

ZR: It is over priced, covered in grease and fat, kills 19 people a day from high cholesterol, and gets undying love from 9 bloggers. What up Floodwatchmusic.com!

ST: Have you ever been to space? What about Jersey?

ZR: Hold on. I’m texting some bitch. What did you say?

ST: I was just coughing. If you were on Double Dare, would you accept the physical challenge?

ZR: I’ve been accepting the physical challenge my whole life since ’93. And I have no idea what that means or what happened 16 years ago. But I stick to my guns, yo.

ST: What if it meant catching waffles in your pants?

ZR: That’s called “Friday night with a 19 year old in South Philly.”

Mark Summers: Last Spotted in 2002 at a Sports Bar in Altoona, Pa., propositioning women with the offer of accepting his physical challenge.

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ST: Which of the cereal cartoon characters has had the hardest road?

ZR: Count Chocula. Dude can’t come out in the daylight and he’s almost blind from diabetes. Plus, people ridicule his European upbringing. Not cool…

ST: What’s your stance on straight marriage?

ZR: It is totally cool with me and my savior as long as Christina Hendricks only marries me in a straight way.

ST: What would you say to her to make the panties drop?

ZR: “I have a blog.”

ST: Wow, now I kind of wish I had panties on too. In your opinion, what makes a woman?

ZR: Smarts, great hair, fan of weird books and movies, a nice-sized dumper, good credit, no visible scars/missing teeth, in shape but can put away some diner food like no one’s business… I’m a simple man with unrealistic guidelines.

ST: I think those are all attainable. Maybe not in one woman, but in a stack of midgets for sure. Last but not certainly least…what record are you dropping next? When’s it due?

ZR: Next joint we’re dropping is Nico the Beast’s mixtape Dinner is Served. That’ll be early February. Then the 5 O’Clock Shadowboxers LP The Slow Twilight is coming March/April. It’s going to change the face of indie rock and sliced cold cuts. I’m looking for a label home for my debut album Fall Back Friday right now. And I’m banging out the Rap Pack album with my brothers 2ew Gunn Ciz, Nico the Beast and MAGr. Shit is hectic but in 2009, I’m looking to get the hell out of Philly and come to YOUR town!

In closing, thank you Scott Towler for asking me some seriously good dumb ass questions. And remember—you can’t spell misspell “quazar” without “ZR”!

Download:

MP3: Zilla Rocca-“The Contender Remix”
MP3: Nico the Beast ft. Zilla Rocca-“Can’t Fight the Feeling Freestyle”

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