November 17, 2010

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Thanks to an intricate network of top-secret spies in all corners of the music industry, the Passion of the Weiss has acquired the pricing list to book some of your favorite rappers and singers. If you have $45,000 to spend (all inclusive), you too can have Plies at your Bar-Mitzvah, wedding, or Quinceanera. Thankfully, you get to eat all you want at the Goon Cafe, Da Realist Lounge and breakfast at The Real Toastament. Most of these real. Some of are not. Most likely.

Theories hatched by Abe Beame, Trey Kerby, Douglas Martin, Aaron Matthews, Sach O, Nate Patrin, Zilla Rocca, Matt Shea, Jeff Weiss, Ben Westhoff, and Doc Zeus.

Persia from “White Rapper Show” $950-$1,200 plus rider
Bizzy Bone $4,500-$5,500 Plus Rider
H-Town $4,500 Plus rider
Curren$y $5,000 plus rider OBO
Ace Hood $5,500 plus rider
Montel Jordan $6,500-$13,500 plus rider
Tony Yayo $7000 plus rider
Tyga $8000 plus rider OBO
Jon B. $8,500 plus rider
Gorilla Zoe $9,000-$10,000 all in (?)
Mystiakl $10,000-$16,000 plus rider
Amber Rose $11,000 plus rider
Silkk the Shocker $11,000 plus rider

Wiz Khalifa $12,000-$16,000 plus rider and travel

Jim Jones $13,000-$15,000 plus rider

Michael Vick $15,000-$20,000 plus rider
Bun B $15,000-$17,000 plus rider
Lil Jon $16,000-$22,500 plus rider
The Game $22,000
Waka Flocka Flame $25,000 plus rider
Keith Sweat $37,000 plus rider
Soulja Boy $40,000-$45,000
Dipset $45,000
Plies $45,000 all inclusive
Mike Posner $55,000 Plus Rider
Kid Cudi $55,000 Plus Rider
Gucci Mane $55,000-$75,000 Plus Rider
Young Jeezy $60,000-$85,000 Plus Rider
Ludacris $80,000-$100,000 Plus Rider
The O Jays $80,000- $100,000 Plus Rider

Islord of Killarmy: $400 plus rider and arcade version of Operation Wolf on-hand OBO

The Game: $22,000 plus rider and VHS copies of Strapped, Menace II Society, and South Central on-hand, a boardwalk magic marker artist doing caricatures of Eazy-E, Pac, and Biggie, and a green room scented with lemon Febreze and Uzi gunsmoke

Kanye West: $500,000, the bottled and distilled tears of a centaur, a Tom Ford bobble head doll, 17 boxes of Fruit by the Foot, a piano autographed by Beethoven, and a projector showing naked pics of Tumblr bitches because Ye is on “his art shit”.

Erick Sermon: $5000,stack of Marvin Gaye records, a hot sweater, and ambiguous porn. Parrish Smith Package deal available for extra $300.

El-P: $7,500, the 5-Disc Ultimate Collector’s Edition of Blade Runner (Blu-Ray), bag of mushrooms, carton of Newpies, cat, handshake with Giorgio Moroder.

Lil B: $5,000 and a Hannah Montana Complete Series box set.

Rick Ross-$20,000, a platter full of crab from the northwestern tip of Belgium, an Aston Martin powered by plutonium, and a parrot fluent in Flemish named Phillipe.

DMX: $100, 1 Bible and the assurance that no questions will be asked about where that 100$ is going.

Asher Roth: 1 case of Naty Light, 1 beer pong table, 1 beer bong, a bag of doritos.

Memphis Bleek: Ask Jay

R.A. The Rugged Man: $6,900, Two steak knives and directions to the whore house.

Yelawolf: $5,000, two cases of Jim Beam, a Gibson Les Paul guitar signed by Les Paul himself, and an all-you-can eat crawfish dinner. Or $80,000 delivered on the bed of a Ford F350. Diesel, of course.

Kid Cudi: $75,000 (all rolled up tightly enough to fit inside of his nostrils) and $500 gift cards to Urban Outfitters, Zumiez, and Top Shop (the latter preferably equal to 500 pounds).

Common: $60,000, a menagerie of endangered animals, a bunch of third-rate screenplays, one giant water cooler filled with ‘Only the Brave’ cologne, and a stupid hat.

Prodigy: $50,000, 3 bandannas, a sherm stick, six cartons of cigrattes, a year’s subscription to Butt Frenzy, a pair of lifts, and a copy of Zeitgeist.

B.O.B.: $10,0000, a beard trimmer, and the dude from Incubus.

Big Sean: $3,000 and an Uptown filled with Kanye’s bath water.

Cappadonna: Anything you’re trying to get rid of, really. Maybe some ham.

Soulja Boy: $50,000, free Fruity Loops upgrades for life, 2,000,000 SwagBucks points, and a diamond-encrusted gold pendant bearing the image of the Hamburglar.

Redman: $20,000, 5 bags of Sour Diesel, and a signed statement promising never to mention his Right Guard ad or Meth & Red.

Kool G Rap: $1,000 in cash, a complete Bang Bros DVD collection and 4 cigars.

Noreaga: $30,000, a bottle of Tiger Bone, and a blumpkin from Pamela Lee.

Saigon: $15,000 and a Shake Weight.

Papoose: $750, a handcuffs key, a big hug from Kay Slay, and to be addressed as “Mister” at all times.

Termanology: $2,500, airbrushed memorial tshirt of Big Pun sized 3X, DJ Premier next to him with a sandwich board sign that reads, “TRUST ME–this guy’s dope!”, beat CDs from legendary producers for him to defecate on.

Waka Flocka Flame: $25,000, 4 4Loco’s, a DVD of Muppet Babies Season 3, a #1 Mom Pendant, and a Sharper Image Sleep Sound Generator: Gun Shot Edition.

Foxy Brown: “I’m sorry, what? Please speak up because I’d love to do business with you.”

Jay-Z: 7,000 Romeo & Juliet’s, a hot tub filled with champagne, and Scrooge McDuck’s money bin –complete with Lucky Dime and the never-before-seen photos of Magica De Spell masturbating.

Kool Keith: $10,000, 17 porn DVDs, a taxi ride to the airport, 3 sherm blunts.

Mr Lif: $5,000, Dread Wax, a copy of Naomi Kline’s No Logo and a guarantee that there are NO pigeons in the buidling. We all remember the nesting incident.

DJ Q-Bert: $4,000, Instant Noodles, a complete Gundam DVD set, an audience that cares about scratch music.

MF DOOM: Depends on who show u-…how he’s feeling that day.