Doc Zeus lives every day like it’s Festivus.

My favorite day of the year is the day XXL Magazine announces it’s Freshman 10 cover. For a pure-bred hater like myself, it gives me the chance the exercise my prodigious talents at mockery in short, sarcastic blasts on Twitter and blogs. It’s like Christmas Day except the exact opposite. I realize, however, you might be confused and bewildered by some if not all of the choices that XXL Magazine has decided to put on the cover. So as a responsible citizen of Hip Hop America, I will educate you on the inexplicable choices that XXL has decided will grace it’s most discussed and debated cover of the year. These ten rappers have essentially appeared on all of the Freshman covers over the last year so you when you see them on the cover, you will know who they are and how strenuously you need to avoid listening to their music. Consider this a public service…

The 10 Rappers You Will See On XXL’s Freshman 10 Cover

1. The Weed Carrier

Previous Cover Examples: Ace Hood, Young Dro, OJ Da Juiceman, CyHi Da Prince

What does he sound like? Talentlessness.

Best Case Scenario? Payola.

Worst Case Scenario? The weed owner’s impending gun trial.

Why is he on this list?

The Weed Carrier is one of hip hop’s greatest and most beloved traditions. He represents the chance for one generation of emcee to force the audience to listen to their black sheep of a cousin make ham-fisted sex metaphors over budget production. What the Weed Carrier lacks in musical talent, skill or creativeness, he makes up with his keen ability to present a far more famous rapper with the drug of his choice. From the Wu-Tang Killa Beez to Young Money Entertainment, the art of substance transit is a skill of great value within the hip hop community. The Weed Carrier is on this cover because he paid dues the old fashioned way — the willingness to transport marijuana through international airport security.

2. Major Cornball

Previous Cover Examples: Wale, Lupe Fiasco, Wiz Khalifa, B.o.B. & Kid Cudi

What does he sound like? The saccharine harmony of corporate synergy.

Best Case Scenario? All of the international fame, bright shiny sneakers and coked up models that writing a cheesy pop abortion with a white R&B singer brings!

Worst Case Scenario? Being called “pussy ass faggit” on Twitter for the rest of your life… or in simpler terms, you become Charles Hamilton.

Why is he on this list?

Major Cornball used to be a respected underground artist but the strain of major label pressure and a mounting liquid coke habit have caused the once proud independent artist to sell out their integrity and ideals. Instead of spitting those lyrical ass lyrics you used to love, Major Cornball is now mass producing those obnoxious crossover pop jams that Top 40 radio will ear fuck you with until you like it. Major Cornball swears that he’s running in his own lane and that his sound has just evolved but we know better. He’s sold out. At least, he’s famous.

3. The White Guy

Previous Cover Examples: Asher Roth, Mac Miller, Yelawolf

What does he sound like? Do you remember that awkward white kid in college who used to try reaaaaallly hard? Remember when he got high at frat parties, he would start freestyling to Dipset records regardless if anybody asked him to join the cypher or not? That guy. (No, I don’t see the irony in that answer. What’s your point?)

Best Case Scenario? He shaves the chinstrap.

Worst Case Scenario? Asleep In The Bread Aisle.

Why is he on this list?

The White Guy is on this list for the same reason that Brian Austin Green got a record deal and Bill Simmons keeps insisting on calling Larry Bird “ Basketball Jesus.” White people like to listen to other white people talk about white things in black music. Yeah, The White Guy is probably is not as bad as they say and yeah, he’s probably worse than you think but the White Guy serves a valuable function in the hip hop community. He’s the easy target that deflects the majority of the heat from the rest of the clowns on the cover and isn’t that all we can want for a society.

4. The New York Mixtape Rapper That Nobody Gives A Shit About Anymore

Previous Cover Examples: Saigon, Papoose, Joell Ortiz

What does he sound like? Biggie, Jay-Z, Nas, Big Pun, Big L, Rakim, ’96 Prodigy, every member of the Wu-Tang Clan with the exception of U-God and of course, Tupac Shakur… except WAAAAAY shittier…

Best Case Scenario? It’s suddenly 1996.

Worst Case Scenario? “The Greatest Story Never Told” comes out 5 years after it’s original release date.

Why is he on this list?

Otherwise known as “the Supreme Lord Of Nah Right”, The New York Mixtape Rapper That Nobody Gives A Shit About Anymore is an artist that really, really, really, really, really, really wishes it still were 1996. As luck would have it, his fans really, really, really, really, really, really wish it were still 1996, too. I mean if it still were 1996, he would probably be waxing Biggie’s Mercedes but that hasn’t stopped the New York Mixtape Rapper from harboring serious delusions of grandeur. The New York Mixtape Rapper believes that he’s going to bring New York back to prominence with that raw ass lyricism he cribbed from lost Big L freestyles but it’s not, because his metaphors are tired and his punchlines are weaker than iPod buds. The New York Mixtape Rapper will always have a loyal set of fans completely unwilling to buy his music in the store but that won’t prevent him from securing a major label deal for millions and sitting on the shelf until Jimmy Iovine’s soul finally rots out his carcass. What would a cover be without relics of a past year?

5. Lil Nepotism

Previous Cover Examples: Cory Gunz, Diggy Simmons, Lil Twist

What does he sound like? His dad totally owns a dealership.

Best Case Scenario? He disappears for ten years and emerges when he has actual life experiences to draw upon that extend beyond “This one time, Uncle Rush totally introduced me to Jay-Z and he showed me how to invest in my 401K. It was cool.”

Worst Case Scenario? Remember that time that kid of that guy in that band decided he wanted to be a rock star? That.

Why is he on the cover?

Congratulations! Lil Nepotism is the spawn of a famous rapper and gets to skip all of those silly dues and hardships and go straight to the part where he is famous! Score! Lil Nepotism might be a walking musical disaster zone but he makes up for a total lack of talent by having dimpled cheeks and barring that, his dad’s rolodex. Through pressure of his father’s industry cronies, legitimate rap stars will be rushing to co-sign his skillsand credibility despite a total lack thereof. XXL has included him on the list because they don’t want to make another enemy and it seems simpler to go with the flow than pick another rapper that doesn’t feature major industry connections. My advice for the kid? Develop a drug habit. It’ll make for more interesting music.

6. Wanksta, Wanksta

Previous Cover Examples: Crooked I, Nipsey Hu$$le

What does he sound like? Regional Diversity

Best Case Scenario? He joins a supergroup with a few New York Mixtape Rappers That Nobody Gives A Shit About Anymore.

Worst Case Scenario? That supergroup’s music is drowned out by the deafening noise of crickets chirping.

Why is he on the cover?

Wanksta, Wanksta, in some respect, is the Californian counterpart of the New York Mixtape Rapper That Nobody Gives A Shit About Anymore. He still desperately wishes it were 1992 and that people still cared to listen to music about low riders, khaki suits and the Bloods and Crips Peace Treaty. Wanksta, Wanksta will be the surly looking dude on the cover wearing the colors of a gang he’s “loosely” associated but has never actually hung out with. It’s how you know he’s legit. Wanksta, Wanksta is on this list because XXL needs regional diversity and “Hey! Why not?” He’s there.

7. The One Hit Wonder

Previous Cover Examples: Rich Boy, Kid Cudi, J. Cole, Wiz Khalifa

What does he sound like? Repetition.

Best Case Scenario? It already happened.

Worst Case Scenario? He tries to make it happen again.

Why is he on the cover?

Remember that song that you told your friends that you hated but when you look at your iTunes, it has something like 86 plays? He’s the guy that made that song. The One Hit Wonder is on this cover because he’s one of the few artists that can legitimately claim to make music that people like. Unfortunately, the creation and subsequent success of that song was a near complete accident and the One Hit Wonder will be desperately chasing that success for the rest of his brief, tragic career. For now, he will get to look smugly at the rest of the chumps on the cover trying to do what he already accomplished. A year later, he will the guy recording diss songs at those same chumps whose career have now eclipsed his.

8. Mr. Underground

Previous Cover Examples? Freddie Gibbs, Blu, Curren$y, Yelawolf, Big K.R.I.T.

What does he sound like? Oh, you’ve never heard his music before?! SMH.

Best Case Scenario? He doesn’t become Major Cornball in two years.

Worst Case Scenario? He becomes Major Cornball in two years.

Why is he on the cover?

Mr. Underground is the rapper that everybody agrees XXL Magazine has gotten correct this year. He’s released a series of critically acclaimed mixtapes that Pitchfork swears is the proverbially best shit ever. He’s go the skills and street credibility to become the next great rapper. He’s got the underground heads buzzing with anticipation for his major label deal because he’s about to wash out all that fake shit and save hip hop from the nefarious coalition of soft-ass boutique rappers, industry sellouts, and fake gangsters. Of course, nobody that doesn’t visit the blogs have ever heard his music before but you just know, he’s about to blow because his shit is so undeniable! [See: Major Cornball for details]

9. Martin Lawrence

Previous Cover Examples: Lil B, Plies, Lil Boosie, OJ Da Juiceman

What does he sound like? The World Star Hip Hop Comment Section

Best Case Scenario? He’s a grotesque caricature that trades on racial stereotypes and we live in America. The sky is really the limit for him.

Worst Case Scenario? He accidentally gets the Civil Rights Bill repealed.

Why is he on the cover?

Martin Lawrence is the worst American culture has to offer and thus, he’s undoubtedly going to be the most successful artist on the cover. When you listen to Martin’s music, you can feel your brain getting dumber and your soul start to slowly rot out your body. His supporters claim that he’s just having fun and that you are taking him way too seriously but you totally know better than that. Martin Lawrence will kill us all and have us burning for eternity if we don’t repent for our sins.

10. Who?

Previous Cover Examples: Gorilla Zoe, Mickey Factz, Donnis, Jay Rock, Fred The Godson,  YG, Fashawn, Big Sean, Meek Mill, Pill

What does he sound like? I have never heard of this artist before.

Best Case Scenario? I’m sorry. Who are we talking about, again?

Worst Case Scenario? Seriously, I have no idea who you are talking about?

Why is he on the cover?

I really wish I could tell you but I genuinely have never heard this artist before. He could be the Editor-In-Chief’s little brother or he could be the next big underground artist but honestly, I’m not sure. For all we know, he stumbled into the picture when he was delivering pizzas to the photo shoot and the photographer was like “Fuck it. Let’s put him in. He makes an even 10.” Is the music any good? Who knows? Does he have potential star quality? It beats me. What I do know is that he’s so not famous that he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page yet. That’s clearly a good sign.

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