April 11, 2011

Douglas Martin wrote this while drunk on Manischewitz.

1 Long after the Lord created the earth, the sky, the sea, the universe, and man, he created Noah. Perennially boyish in both looks and voice, Noah was a humble servant of the Lord, and the Lord loved him very much.

2 While the alt-bros freely roamed the Lord’s kingdom, after The Rapture had swept the streets of their villages, Noah kept to himself at his home, quietly assembling a young prayer, a quiet devotional to his father which the Lord approved of.

3 Soon the sinning of the alt-bros ravaged the land, with their blog-rock and PBR and ironic mustaches. Noah stayed in his reverb chamber and created rousing anthems of praise for the Lord, adjusting his tune to a pitch that could be heard all over, and many of the alt-bros came to worship with him, lifting their arms and heads in the Lord’s name.

4 Noah was believed to have had the power of converting the wicked with his gift of song, but while the alt-bros would come to praise the Lord with Noah, they often indulged in sin when thy were finished.

5 This made the Lord very angry, and he devised a plan and called Noah to his throne. “How dare they defy the name of the Lord with their lo-fi noise-pop and dubstep! Noah, I want you to build a vessel, for I am about to destroy all that I’ve created in hopes of starting over and building an entire new world.

6 I need you to gather two of every species of creature and board them upon your vessel, while I destroy the alt-bros and their sinful ways!” Noah, being the humble servant he is, nodded his head and left the Lord’s throne without a single word. He did exactly what was asked of him, leading his collective of animals aboard a ship called the Merriweather Post Pavilion.

7 After the ship was fully boarded, rain flooded the entire world for forty press cycles and forty tours, from Jerusalem to Portlandia. The world was under the mercy and wrath of the Lord for the alt-bros’ sins, and everything not on the Merriweather Post Pavilion was drowned in the flood. Soon the flooding stopped, and the inhabitants of the Merriweather Post Pavilion were free to leave the ship and roam the earth once again.

8 After the earth once again flourished with animals and a new generation of alt-bro, Noah retreated to his reverb chamber and was not seen again for a very long time.

9 Many of the alt-bros indulged in the noise, glitch, and squall of the generation before them, but this was combated by the masses of alt-bros who baptized themselves in the waves of Chill, feeling the Lord’s love and the smooth, lulling sound of vintage synthesizers wash over them.

10 But Noah’s absence was felt. His disciples and followers as far out as the land of Tumblr pondered his whereabouts daily. Occasionally, the Lord would send down a seven-inch tablet with the praises Noah had written, and alt-bros across the world would rejoice and pray to the Lord for his return.

11 Soon, the Lord sent a message to the world that Noah would be returning. O, glorious day! Noah would return with his delightful songs of worship and all of the alt-bros will give praise due to the Lord!

The alt-bros waited with much patience and bated breath for Noah’s return, traveling to the desert, parched and waiting by the oasis for the divine leak.

12 And then, Noah came. From the hills of the north, carrying a two-sided tablet, each side marked “A” and “B”. Noah then set the tablet down in front of him and the clouds parted as he started to sing.

13 His voice raised to the heavens, right up to the Lord’s throne as he sang a lilting surfer’s hymn as the waves of Chill crashed against the shore. The disciples and followers harmonized with him as he sang, “Know you can count on me,” perhaps as a message to the Lord himself, as the Lord has always favored Noah’s servitude.

14 Many of Noah’s songs were epics, with the tablet merely carrying oblique names like “Tomboy” and “Afterburner,” the meanings of which the disciples had very little clue of. There were rousing choral numbers as there were quiet, floating numbers. The Lord smiled as Noah sang his songs.

15 A number presumably dedicated to the Alsatian people of France prompted many of the disciples and followers to rise to their feet and clap their hands in praise to the Lord. Their voices brought in alt-bros from all across the land, and all of their voices untied for a rousing tribute to the Lord’s holy name. This brought the Lord to speak.

16 “I hath created Noah to lead the alt-bros into a new generation! A generation where thou can be comfy in Nautica and build adobe slabs for your girls without the tarnish of sin! A generation where the tomboy and the alt-bro can roam freely together, and worship thy holy name without fear of persecution! I hath created Noah in thine own likeness, for he is one of you, but a supreme being of my servitude! For if thou does not love Noah, thou does not love the Lord!”

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