November 22, 2011

Words by Passion of the Weiss Staff. Image via Taco Trey Kerby.

Andre 3000 is….

  • Surfing off the coast of Madagascar while wearing a sarong and Doc Martens.
  • Taking a nap in a hyperbaric chamber while being protected by a pack of miniature Doberman Pinschers.
  • Inventing colors.
  • Climbing an Andean mountain to pick a rare blue flower that is rumored to offer greater sexual potency.
  • Penning a book of poetry in Sanskrit
  • Fire knife dancing with Earl Sweatshirt at a Samoan reform school

  • Competing in the Ostrich Polo World Cup for Portugal
  • Learning the ancient art of pyschic yoga fighting from mystic Malayali yogis
  • Eating a bowl of soup
  • Engineering distractions while falling in an attempt to achieve flight a la Hitchhiker’s Guide
  • Knuckle push-ups
  • Designing a new line of spanx for men
  • Brewing an innovative blend of sativa and coffee
  • Learning the basoon, french horn, slide guitar, vibraphone and recorder and cutting demos in Stankonia Studios that will come out in 4 years as a pop masterpiece
  • Browsing vintage stores in Soho looking for the perfect ski boot
  • Breaking up with his latest model fling, getting drunk by himself, pulling up old Badu videos on YouTube, and texting Common and Jay Electronica “how does my dick taste?”
  • Calculating the optimal area for an argyle rhombus in centimeters
  • Dancing alone to a song with no rhythm, face glistening with tears of joy
  • Training a wolf to find and kill that penguin big boi took a picture with
  • Writing approximately 47 bars worth of raps that will comprise his entire musical output for the next 4 years
  • Installing Blaupunkts into his 1968 Jensen FF
  • Domesticating genets
  • Putting together his fantasy cricket team
  • Everything mentioned in Steely Dan’s “Glamour Profession”
  • Trying and failing to telepathically sext message Erykah Badu.
  • Contemplating increasing his name by another 1000
  • Doing the lambada on an island off the Pacific.
  • Picking out loafers at a J Press with Fonzworth Bentley
  • Wondering why he named his kid Seven.
  • Prolly just hanging out.
  • Seductively licking an ice cream cone.
  • Playing Mah Jong with N.E.R.D
  • Pondering the musical output of Terrence Trent D’Arby.
  • Getting a snapshot of the rare North-American yellowtail dumbleswab, much to the dismay of his archrival Phineas R. Zimmerman – head of the Atlanta ornithological society.
  • Cussing out his tailor for shoddy worksmanship.
  • Reading Crime and Punishment…in Korean
  • Cashing his Drake check
  • Partying to techno music in Ibiza
  • Re-designing the uniforms for the Catholic School system of Edinburgh.
  • Playing Rock Band with Prince and the ghost of W.E.B Du Bois
  • Trying to construct the world’s first water proof wool turban.
  • Learning how to play the vibraphone through telekenesis.
  • Making it precipitate as a shaman living amongst the Maluku Islanders.
  • Practicing to play the Bowtie Killer in a remake of Problem Child.
  • Thinking up entries for this list.
  • Not making Outkast albums.
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