Words by Passion of the Weiss Staff. Image via Taco Trey Kerby.
Andre 3000 is….
- Surfing off the coast of Madagascar while wearing a sarong and Doc Martens.
- Taking a nap in a hyperbaric chamber while being protected by a pack of miniature Doberman Pinschers.
- Inventing colors.
- Climbing an Andean mountain to pick a rare blue flower that is rumored to offer greater sexual potency.
- Penning a book of poetry in Sanskrit
- Fire knife dancing with Earl Sweatshirt at a Samoan reform school
- Competing in the Ostrich Polo World Cup for Portugal
- Learning the ancient art of pyschic yoga fighting from mystic Malayali yogis
- Eating a bowl of soup
- Engineering distractions while falling in an attempt to achieve flight a la Hitchhiker’s Guide
- Knuckle push-ups
- Designing a new line of spanx for men
- Brewing an innovative blend of sativa and coffee
- Learning the basoon, french horn, slide guitar, vibraphone and recorder and cutting demos in Stankonia Studios that will come out in 4 years as a pop masterpiece
- Browsing vintage stores in Soho looking for the perfect ski boot
- Breaking up with his latest model fling, getting drunk by himself, pulling up old Badu videos on YouTube, and texting Common and Jay Electronica “how does my dick taste?”
- Calculating the optimal area for an argyle rhombus in centimeters
- Dancing alone to a song with no rhythm, face glistening with tears of joy
- Training a wolf to find and kill that penguin big boi took a picture with
- Writing approximately 47 bars worth of raps that will comprise his entire musical output for the next 4 years
- Installing Blaupunkts into his 1968 Jensen FF
- Domesticating genets
- Putting together his fantasy cricket team
- Everything mentioned in Steely Dan’s “Glamour Profession”
- Trying and failing to telepathically sext message Erykah Badu.
- Contemplating increasing his name by another 1000
- Doing the lambada on an island off the Pacific.
- Picking out loafers at a J Press with Fonzworth Bentley
- Wondering why he named his kid Seven.
- Prolly just hanging out.
- Seductively licking an ice cream cone.
- Playing Mah Jong with N.E.R.D
- Pondering the musical output of Terrence Trent D’Arby.
- Getting a snapshot of the rare North-American yellowtail dumbleswab, much to the dismay of his archrival Phineas R. Zimmerman – head of the Atlanta ornithological society.
- Cussing out his tailor for shoddy worksmanship.
- Reading Crime and Punishment…in Korean
- Cashing his Drake check
- Partying to techno music in Ibiza
- Re-designing the uniforms for the Catholic School system of Edinburgh.
- Playing Rock Band with Prince and the ghost of W.E.B Du Bois
- Trying to construct the world’s first water proof wool turban.
- Learning how to play the vibraphone through telekenesis.
- Making it precipitate as a shaman living amongst the Maluku Islanders.
- Practicing to play the Bowtie Killer in a remake of Problem Child.
- Thinking up entries for this list.
- Not making Outkast albums.
