What in the World Is Andre 3000 Doing?

Words by Passion of the Weiss Staff. Image via Taco Trey Kerby. Andre 3000 is…. Surfing off the coast of Madagascar while wearing a sarong and Doc Martens. Taking a nap in a hyperbaric chamber...
By    November 22, 2011

Words by Passion of the Weiss Staff. Image via Taco Trey Kerby.

Andre 3000 is….

  • Surfing off the coast of Madagascar while wearing a sarong and Doc Martens.
  • Taking a nap in a hyperbaric chamber while being protected by a pack of miniature Doberman Pinschers.
  • Inventing colors.
  • Climbing an Andean mountain to pick a rare blue flower that is rumored to offer greater sexual potency.
  • Penning a book of poetry in Sanskrit
  • Fire knife dancing with Earl Sweatshirt at a Samoan reform school

  • Competing in the Ostrich Polo World Cup for Portugal
  • Learning the ancient art of pyschic yoga fighting from mystic Malayali yogis
  • Eating a bowl of soup
  • Engineering distractions while falling in an attempt to achieve flight a la Hitchhiker’s Guide
  • Knuckle push-ups
  • Designing a new line of spanx for men
  • Brewing an innovative blend of sativa and coffee
  • Learning the basoon, french horn, slide guitar, vibraphone and recorder and cutting demos in Stankonia Studios that will come out in 4 years as a pop masterpiece
  • Browsing vintage stores in Soho looking for the perfect ski boot
  • Breaking up with his latest model fling, getting drunk by himself, pulling up old Badu videos on YouTube, and texting Common and Jay Electronica “how does my dick taste?”
  • Calculating the optimal area for an argyle rhombus in centimeters
  • Dancing alone to a song with no rhythm, face glistening with tears of joy
  • Training a wolf to find and kill that penguin big boi took a picture with
  • Writing approximately 47 bars worth of raps that will comprise his entire musical output for the next 4 years
  • Installing Blaupunkts into his 1968 Jensen FF
  • Domesticating genets
  • Putting together his fantasy cricket team
  • Everything mentioned in Steely Dan’s “Glamour Profession”
  • Trying and failing to telepathically sext message Erykah Badu.
  • Contemplating increasing his name by another 1000
  • Doing the lambada on an island off the Pacific.
  • Picking out loafers at a J Press with Fonzworth Bentley
  • Wondering why he named his kid Seven.
  • Prolly just hanging out.
  • Seductively licking an ice cream cone.
  • Playing Mah Jong with N.E.R.D
  • Pondering the musical output of Terrence Trent D’Arby.
  • Getting a snapshot of the rare North-American yellowtail dumbleswab, much to the dismay of his archrival Phineas R. Zimmerman – head of the Atlanta ornithological society.
  • Cussing out his tailor for shoddy worksmanship.
  • Reading Crime and Punishment…in Korean
  • Cashing his Drake check
  • Partying to techno music in Ibiza
  • Re-designing the uniforms for the Catholic School system of Edinburgh.
  • Playing Rock Band with Prince and the ghost of W.E.B Du Bois
  • Trying to construct the world’s first water proof wool turban.
  • Learning how to play the vibraphone through telekenesis.
  • Making it precipitate as a shaman living amongst the Maluku Islanders.
  • Practicing to play the Bowtie Killer in a remake of Problem Child.
  • Thinking up entries for this list.
  • Not making Outkast albums.
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