June 14, 2012

Deen could really say it all in one word: noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

How the fuck did this happen? Jay-Z is forty-fucking-two. 42! Arguably the “coolest” black man walking the planet and arguably the best rapper alive. Note my liberal use of the word “arguably.” I mean, for the first time ever, I can actually see a rapper doing some shit that Biggie would never fucking do because Biggie was (and presumably would have remained) too fucking fat to even think of doing this shit.

Jay: The fact that you’re touring Europe with the Blouse Gawd Yeezy doesn’t mean you can do shit like this. This is ridiculous. I blame Kanye for this shit. We need to get that fishstick loving asshole out the fucking paint for this. As much as Jigga loves to claim to be a trendsetter (I’ll give him the jersey thing, but everything else was an epic fail – especially the song he made about it, “Off That” with Drake), we all know that deep down inside, that muthafucka is just a follower who made good and eventually became a leader in the same way that Kobe became a leader – on accident and via necessity. Basically, you get a lotta wins, but you still end up with muthafuckas filing for divorce, giving their wives three houses, THEN deciding to take her back. Or this stupid fucking shit.

Where was Beyonce when this was happening? Say what you want about all these lesser wigged heffas, but I bet Kelly Rowland or Keri Hilson would never let their men do this shit. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiet, even Superhead would have nipped this in the bud. Clearly, Beyonce is either just a bad wife for letting Jay-Z do this or she’s a bad wife because she let Blue Ivy distract her into letting Jay-Z do this shit.

Some readers are probably wondering why a grown ass man is so concerned with what another grown man is wearing and to those readers I offer a hearty “FUCK YOU TOO, YOU GASH!” If you don’t get it already, then maybe you’re not supposed to get it. But since you were nice enough to keep reading, I’ll try anyway. I’m assuming that you’re old as fuck, so we’ll need a series of dated references coupled with random analogies to attempt to explain this reaction:

For you young niggas that actually wear silly pants like that, there are two possible angles: (1) You don’t see anything wrong with this (well, fuck you again) or (2) imagine your dad wearing that shit. Yep, now you’re with me.

For baby boomers of all races (congrats on not dying and not opening up a job for some young nigga – asshole), this picture is the equivalent of the first time you saw Fat Elvis or white Michael. Traumatizing, si?

For white people who clicked over by mistake, this shit is kinda like the time M.A.S.H. got canceled. I’m that mad.

For old black people, this picture is almost exactly like that time that Abraham Lincoln the Vampire Slayer “freed the slaves.” But kinda the opposite.

Maybe I went too far on that last one. But it’s only because I’m delirious. I’m hurt. I’m upset. As much as I prefer Nas to Jay, I recognize and appreciate how important the Camel is to this thing of ours and I’m disappointed in his sartorial judgment. None of his rap peers would ever do something this stupid. Besides, Jay-Z PROMISED us he wouldn’t do this shit. To wit:

“Can’t wear skinny jeans cause my knots don’t fit
No one on the corner got a pocket like this
So I rock Roc jeans cause my knots so thick
You can learn how to dress just by jocking my fresh” Jay-Z – “Swagger Like Us.”

You said that shit Jay. With your own damn mouth. And now this. You’re a lying old creep. I don’t know what to believe anymore. This reminds me of when I realized that wrestling was fake or that Kanye is a bitch. I’m just so sad. Killa Cam was right. He’s always right. That bastard.

I fucking knew Based Gawd was going to punish me (and us) for that silly post I did with all the silly fucking fashion references. I’m sorry. My bad. Maybe I’ll just stick to what I know from now on: music, slander, soccer and paying for coitus. What’s next? Lil’ Wayne kissing his “daddy” on the mouth, a Canadian child actor becoming a viable rap star or a former correctional officer becoming the biggest bawse we’ve seen thus far?

Rap is truly outta control…

Previously:

Album Review: Jay-Z & Kanye West – Watch the Throne

Look at Me: An Oral History of Watch the Throne

The Adventures of Millionaires & Otis: Jay-Z & Kanye West Love Themselves Tender

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