October 10, 2012

Riff Raff is not going anywhere, hopefully. Every week there’s another video, a hilarious interview, or a new song that will have a video shortly. The man is a machine. Some might even call him the golden alien. Though it looks like Riff has problems closing Versace eyelids these days. It might be due to a case Seattle induced insomnia or rabies. Either way, it’s clear the rap game donut sprinkles needs medical consultation. My mother is a nurse, so why not.

At first, “Rap Game Sleepless in Seattle” seems like nothing out of the ordinary Riff Raff. He may or may not be white boy wasted. But all things considered, he appears to be in tip top shape. That is until we learn the Versace lenses have been replaced by a Versace baby rattle. It’s fairly obvious that the shaking of this rattle and the sheer amount of rice that will have to be brought out when he performs this joint live, keeps Jody Highroller up at night. Rightly so. Rice problems are serious.

Consequently, Riff Raff is unable to stop rapping until he references every major sports figure to ever play in Seattle, from Ken Griffey to “The Glove” (Gary Payton) and Shawn Kemp. It’s not shocking. Though it is common for insomniacs.

Apart from the insomnia, some health professionals might diagnose Riff as crazy. He appropriates the Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan rom-com for the title and never mentions the movie once. It’s the erratic and reckless behavior one might see from someone on bath salts. But those with a working knowledge of Raff’s rap and medical history will know that non-sequiturs are in the man’s blood, flowing right next to inordinate amounts of grape gatorade.

Sometimes, they are not non-sequiturs at all, but a key to the theme/message of the entire song. A lesser MD would, of course, gloss over this. So if I could analyze the title, here’s what Riff is really saying: Sleeplesss in Seattle grossed over $200 mil on a $21 million budget. In other words, Riff is not “about that cheap talk.” If you give him a some money, a beat, and a camera, you get more than you asked for. The budget is low and the returns are hilariously gratifying.

So, Riff Raff is not crazy. He just needs some sleep.

So for your sanity and your health, I leave you with one final dose of Riff Raff. Since rap videos do not come with a warning label (though they should), here are some directions: DO NOT bite Riff Raff’s style or attempt to ice skate on the man’s chest. You WILL catch rabies.

Trust me. I’m no doctor.

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