Deen is also NOT A NICE PERSON.

So there’s this intervention-styled show on Oprah’s TV Network hosted by this ugly-faced round-headed woman named Iyanla Vanzant. I don’t remember how or why she’s popular amongst us blacks, but she kinda is. The shit’s called Iyanla, Fix My Life. Basically a bunch of dime-store psychology applied to vulnerable folks willing to be exploited on TV for an hour or so.

DMX was on the show this weekend and my Twitter timeline convinced me that it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to watch. I figured it was cheaper than going drinking. So I fixed an Old Fashioned and jotted down some notes on the train-wreck. Folks got real passionate about it on the timeline, but no one even approached DMX levels of intensity – even though this one wench tried me. Apparently I “insulted her intelligence and called her ass “too big”” without referring to her ass or her intelligence. Twitter is wonderful, but Earl Simmons is wonderfuller.

  • What the fuck am I doing watching this? I’ve been convinced this isn’t “reality TV”
  • DMX so high right now. Jittery as fuck.
  • Apparently, the masses have been waiting FIVE months to see this shit. My entire timeline was atwitter about this shit.
  • DMX really loves his ugly ass wife. This nigga voice breakin up n’shit!
  • Then again, X cries over any little thing. LOL.
  • “I’m tryna tell a story. I’m breaking down.” This is INTENSE. It’s only 8:09PM. There’s an hour and a half left. This shit is already like the contents of my text messages with these silly ass broads I fool around with. Fuck.
  • Voice over. So creepy. “Feelings of abandonment and fair colored many of X’s relationships.” And gave us hits like “What These Bitches Want.”
  • DMX’s mom looks like Queen Latifah. Or any black lesbian.
  • C’MON!
  • Iyanla is really good at this. Whatever this is. She’s so calm and annoying. Like a toothier Oprah.
  • I take that back. She’s just a condescending moon faced twat.
  • DMX is a muthafuckin ball of emotion.
  • Oh wait, a link just crossed my TL. “EXCLUSIVE: DMX: Iyanla Didn’t Fix My Life… She Made It Worse.” So I guess I should stop this now?
  • Iyanla is condescending as fuck. She wants niggas forgetting everything. She seems confused that he thinks he’s awesome. Well, he’s DMX – he’s awesome.
  • Roughly speaking, DMX has been been arrested 30 times. DMX doesn’t seem to have a problem with this.
  • Aight, I’mma just say this: I don’t think I can watch this anymore. I have a headache and I think it’s because I genuinely love DMX. Pause that. It’s painful to see him this way.
  • C’MON!
  • I’m going to stick with it and start drinking. Maybe that’ll help some. That and the commercial break.
  • We’re back. DMX realizes he’ll always have a drug problem. This is sad.
  • I still can’t believe this nigga does crack. C’mon bruh. SMH. Then again, he doesn’t have any Sallie Mae shit to deal with. I’d do crack to get that bitch off my back.
  • Damn. DMX’s relationship with his son is broken. Crack sucks bro. SMH. My sympathies to Xavier too.
  • Wow. This is some self-pitying bullshit X. Your son wanted you – until he realized you were a bit of a piece of shit. Then he gravitated towards his mom.
  • DMX done gave up on his first son. WOW. You gotta cut those royalty checks off bruh.
  • DMX and his son be some bitches mane. LOL…
  • “I don’t care about what people are concerned with…” – My new Twitter bio. Thanks AGAIN DMX.
  • LOL. DMX on living clean (sans weed and booze): “why?”
  • DMX is so confident in his relationship with God. I respect that shit.
  • Xavier ain’t gully enough to be DMX’s spawn. I see why X gave up too…
  • I can’t believe DMX paid for that shiny ass weave residing on Tashera’s head.
  • Tashera never realized that marrying a drug addict was some Daddy issue shit? Bitches wild mane.
  • DMX has probably only ever fucked Tashera Doggystyle. ALL THE PUNS intended.
  • Tashera is very receptive to this round-faced dimestore psychiatrist. She seems pleasant.
  • Why do I keep thinking of Canibus right now?
  • If Xavier had killed DMX for disrespecting his mom, I would have killed him. Real rap. I love X-man that much.
  • There’s a Latoya Jackson TV show? What? I can’t…
  • C’MON!
  • X tried to teach this lil nigglet the real nigga ways and he couldn’t hack it. What a biggidy bitch.
  • A judgmental man-bitch. All he did was go platinum like 80 million times and set you up for life, but you wanna bitch about everything.
  • Iyanla can’t fix X, so she’ll fix all the other people around him. LOLs. X wins.
  • This nigga is CRYING. NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Fuck.
  • Iyanla ever calls me “beloved” I’m smacking that bitch. Fuck that shit.
  • These commercials are ridiculous. Wow. Commercials for the fatherless? Laaaaaaawd. Oprah is wilding.
  • C’MON!
  • I’ve just been attacked on Twitter for cracking jokes about this shit. Apparently I’m fatherless and hiding behind a keyboard.
  • DMX meets Xavier. Touching shit. That was a moment.
  • This nigga is mad that his dad cheated on his mom? C’mon son. I let that shit slide. Because I’m a real nigga and so is my pops.
  • Can I talk to my son please? X wilding…
  • Pump ya breaks brother!
  • This is crazy. Shit. DMX just blacked out on this lady. Holy shit.
  • Iyanla is gonna be quiet on HER show. Wooooooo! Look at that guppy moufed ego go.
  • DMX outchea lying. He been cursing bitches out for EONS. He kinda apologized to Iyanla and claimed never to have spoken to a woman they way he did to her. LOL. Rubbish.
  • “I didn’t know one nigga with a father. Not one.” – THAT’S DEEP.
  • Why am I laughing?
  • C’MON!
  • I think that was the break through. X finna go buy crack soon though.
  • His kid is a songwriter? No way? Get the fuck out. Where’s that mute button?
  • Yup, my timeline agrees that he sucks.
  • Now he wants a relationship and he wants DMX clean.
  • You could see DMX deliberating hard: “a relationship with this soft ass nigglet or booze, weed and crack?”
  • R. Kelly: “how old are we talking?” equals DMX: “what do you mean clean?”
  • If there’s gonna be a condition, DMX AIN’T FOR THIS SHIT. HE AIN’T CHANGING.
  • DMX wants unconditional love. He told his son to kick rocks. I respect it. Who the fuck thinks it’s a good idea to rekindle a long damaged relationship with an addict based on the condition that they quit drugs? LOL.
  • “See you at my funeral then. Gimme a hug.” DMX a cold ass nigga.
  • DMX told Iyanla to fuck off. WOOOOOO! Yeah you nosy ass bitch, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
  • Iyanla, your editing won’t do shit. You failed. Guppy mouf.
  • This shit wasn’t all bad.
  • Wow. That was terrible. Awful. Now my dinner is cold. Tragic.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaane, Earl Simmons is a broken man and they’re just gonna have to leave him broken. It’s terrible, but all of us ain’t meant to be super happy or even regular happy n’shit. That’s life. X had a great run and he won’t go hungry, so he ought be okay until that funeral he mentioned.

As for the family? Well… fuck dem niggas. X just gotta pay bills and not sell their household appliances for crack. That’s the only standard he should be held to. I mean that. He already did hella charity by impregnating that weird looking woman more than once. On purpose. Ugh.

I do A LOT for you muthafuckas. Leave your sincere gratitude in the comments. Or tweet me. I’m never watching a TV show with more than 2 black people again. Now for some ibuprofen. And…


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