April 29, 2013

Slava P invented Krav Maga.

What’s the fastest way to become relevant after suffering through a popularity drought that’s taken hold of your career since 2005? In Ciara’s case, it’s as easy as riding on the coattails of the most popular act of 2013. And since most of the GBE kids were still riding tricycles when Goodies came out, and her lead single with 2Chainz inexplicably failed to work, the next logical choice was Nayvadius Future Cash. In a mastermind chess move overseen by LA Reid, Ciara has traded in her high tempo dance moves and Jazze Pha-assisted singles for a slowed down R&B jam that samples the Ghost Town DJ’s and was co-written by her soon to be ex-husband Future, who appears in the video sporting the same hairstyle that Cici wore for her superhero-themed and KFC-coupon-redeemable album, Fantasy Ride.

The video takes place at possibly the most awkward house party ever imagined, with headphones haphazardly strewn around, Trinidad James whispering (non-negotiable) sweet nothings into your ear by the wall and Ludacris forcing you to buy bottles of his liquor like a grown-ass girl scout. During these shenanigans, we see Ciara start an impromptu twerk session on the couch, which Future nonchalantly observes while playing a one-man billiard game nearby. A conversation later ensues outside, during which Nayvadius reveals to us all that he’s actually an escaped pre-cog from Minority Report and can see the Future (GET IT?!!?) and it involves classy stripteases, to which Ciara replies “he reads.” According to my extensive Twitter poll, this is not some sort of Atlanta slang that is soaring over our collective heads, meaning that this is a sad attempt by Ciara to create a catchphrase based on a sentence she would normally never utter when speaking about men that are attracted to her. All of these shots are also interrupted by silhouette dance moves preformed by Ciara to remind us that she can still kinda dance.

I feel really bad for Future, one of the greatest poet laureates of our time. This man told us to “Turn On The Lights” and search for the perfect woman, only to reveal that once you turn those lights on, all you see is an engorged clitoris that can be mistaken for a baby-dick. He’s clearly being used by Ciara for his popularity and there`s only two ways this could end: with a marriage and an impregnation or a messy break-up. I for one am hoping for the latter, since a happy and housebroken Future means less soulful ballads about finding love. But if he gets his heart broken, the subsequent album would make anything Adele has ever done sound like a campy Jason Mraz CD.

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