The Drive-In Theater: Finding Dory

A funny thing happened at The Drive-In.
By    June 28, 2016

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Will Schube‘s favorite emoji is the ghost guy.

Finding Dory is a perfectly enjoyable movie. Granted, I’m certainly not Pixar’s target audience, but I found myself giggling when giggling was appropriate and swept away by how cute baby Dory is. But that’s not why we’re here. A straight-up review of Finding Dory by a 23 year old guy feels odd. And so I will instead tell you a wild story. I was immensely distracted throughout the duration of Dory, because after the lights went down and the little Pixar short began, I thought I spotted Dwight Howard walking into the theater.

Normally, this wouldn’t be odd. Celebrities see movies too, after all. But having Dwight Howard casually stroll into a Tuesday night screening of Finding Dory in Aspen, Colorado felt pretty goofy. Most of the criticism thrown at Howard throughout his really good NBA career has revolved around work ethic, being a silly dude, and not caring about winning. Ignore the fact that basically willed a lifeless Orlando Magic team to a finals a few years back. This guy doesn’t play through injuries! He’s soft!

I like Dwight Howard. He’s very good at basketball and I like watching people who are particularly good at what they do for a living. But the iteration of Dwight Howard at Finding Dory did every possible thing to perpetuate the knocks against his particularly unseemly habits.

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The lights go down, and in walks a very large man with a gaggle of small children. The large man is wearing a do-rag atop his head, and as soon as light is bounced off the screen and shines on the audience, I’m convinced the large man is indeed Dwight Howard. I tell my friends who don’t care about basketball that the large man in our tiny movie theater is a very famous athlete, but neither of them care or believe me, since it’s dark and it would be very hard to see something so distinct in the dark.

Alas, I was right, but this is unimportant. What’s truly phenomenal and hysterical and mind-boggling is that Dwight Howard left his home to go see Finding Dory wearing a t-shirt with a poop emoji on it. An adult male with many kids not only owns a poop emoji t-shirt, but actively decides to wear it about town. If I were a highly scrutinized public figure and people consistently complained that I acted like a child, I probably wouldn’t wear a shirt with smiling fecal matter on it. Anyhow, Finding Dory was delightful.

Rating: See this movie, but be wary of celebrities because they can be distracting!