Alternative Facts: This Is Probably What We Deserve

Israel Daramola attempts to take stock of the week in politics and culture.
By    July 31, 2017

Art by Jdarsie11

Israel Daramola watched Steve Bannon remove two of his own ribs.

[Ed.- The country seems to be disintegrating at a remarkable pace. Every day brings a fresh deluge of horror. In Alternative Facts, Israel Daramola pauses for a second to look back and take stock of the previous week to ten days. There’s danger in retreating into a shell and letting it wash over you; it’s important to catalogue each new, impossible wrong.]

Somewhere between John McCain rolling out of his taxpayer-funded hospital bed to help keep alive the Obamacare repeal only to vote against it in the last minute and win the praises of a bunch of suckers who celebrate bare minimums, I came to a realization. When the dust settles and history is written on the Trump dynasty (if there even are history books written in this horrifying and overwhelmingly likely future) what will it say about how we got here? Will they trot out the already tired rhetoric of blue-collar voters not feeling represented? Will they blame minorities and foreigners?

The truth is white people wanted their country back at the same time that the people who lean liberal decided they were tired of supporting a party that was more interested in appeasing everyone and “reaching across the aisle” than getting shit done. All this culminated in a disinterested and unmoved left and an angry white right propping up the Trump train and you know what fine. We deserve Trump, I’ve believed that even before the election. The majority of this country is spineless and willing to go along with erasing the real problems of the poor and disenfranchised as long as they’re benefited. There’s no bigger evidence of that this week then when a bunch of docile liberals decided to prop up the idea of John McCain as a leader and maverick after his diagnosis of brain cancer–because if you ever want to be forgiven for all of the terrible shit you’ve done, just be close to death.

McCain is the worst kind of politician: an absolute coward willing to vote with his party on any issue even if he disagrees with it. Putting party over country is one of the worst things to ever happen here and the idea I should give a shit about him because of cancer is asinine. Oh but don’t worry, your maverick came through at the midnight hour to vote against the Obamacare repeal like fucking Stone Cold Steve Austin so I guess all is forgiven.

The only thing that truly keeps me going in the face of the terrorism being committed by our country is that they are, at least, a bunch of entertaining idiots. Especially my new favorite character Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci. I mean this guy is incredible: he’s like if every Joe Pesci character in a Scorsese movie worked for Trump. He’s calling reporters just to use a flamethrower on his own fellow employees. He is a Trump guy through and through, saying whatever he feels and calling out anyone he wants to. You’re an idiot if you thought calling Priebus or Bannon out would get him fired, this is exactly why he was hired. The Trump white house is the ultimate frat house and they are going to kill us all. At least Game of Thrones is back.

In Other News:

Here are my dream scenarios for future Scaramucci comments:

  • Calling Paul Ryan a pussy
  • Telling Mitch McConnell to eat a dick
  • Telling various members of the press not to talk to him like he’s an asshole and literally kicking them out
  • Telling members of the press to go get their fucking shinebox
  • Hitting Reince Priebus with a shovel and stuffing him in a trunk
  • Forcing Steve Bannon to actually suck his own cock.

You know what, if Kyrie Irving wants to leave LeBron James and become the alpha of his own team I say let him. Playing with LeBron James has to be hard and irritating–all great players are, and Kyrie wants glory. We berated Kevin Durant for not wanting it so it makes no sense to give Kyrie hell for wanting it. If he fails, he fails, and if he succeeds, it’ll be sweeter. All great partnerships come to an end, usually like this–or worse. The only real downside is now we’re for sure stuck with another Warriors’ championship before LeBron gets to LA.

The Breakfast Club is a morning show on Power 105 in New York where professional gaslighter Charlemagne tha God and two of his enablers troll Twitter and their guests in order to get ratings. They’re not special and I have no desire to talk about them ever but today I’ll make a quick exception. On this past Monday, Donald Trump announced on twitter that he wanted to put in a trans ban for the military. The ban, in effect, would block trans-identifying people from being able to serve in the military and thus losing more access to healthcare, jobs and education opportunities at a time when the trans community are under heavy threat of violence, misogyny and erasure in our society.

This brings us to The Breakfast Club: over the week, the show invited on fellow nobody who uses online controversy to generate interest Lil Duval–a comedian I guess–to talk about who gives a shit. In the midst of this interview the topic of trans people came up and it was full of all the rife misogyny and violent rhetoric directed at the community typically by straight men.

This is less about that show and more about the enabling of Charlemagne by people who should know better. Charlemagne has made a career by using the things he knows people care about and attacking them because he knows it’ll get a reaction. For awhile this worked because it was mostly directed at rappers/singers but as his profile grew and his platform included television his views on women (black women particularly) his homophobia and transphobia became more widespread. So what did Charlemagne do to combat this? Doubled down and then gave jobs to enough social media influencers that no matter how many times he’s called out, enough of the “right” people will stay silent in order to keep the checks coming or in hope that they can be the next one to get a talking head gig on MTV.

If you actually care about everyone–the trans community included–it’s time to stop being an enabler and do something. And I’m not talking about that performative “having a dialogue” with him, I’m talking about calling out his sponsors for supporting that rhetoric, calling out iHeartRadio, Revolt, MTV anyone else enabling his “throw rocks and hide hands” bullshit. Treat The Breakfast Club the way you treat whatever mediocre white thing that makes you upset for once.

Song Of The Week:

R.I.P Chester Bennington.

And Now a Letter From a 9-Year-Old Fan of Mine:

Hello, mr israel

My name is Dylan but everyone calls me pickle. I am a fan of your alternative facks column I even had a birthday party themed after your writings. I had a cake with your essay about the hopelessness of getting a good job on it. I don’t know why peeple don’t read your stuff, but I think you should keep writing you are my favorite person and I have dedakated my life to the overthrow of the government and painting the streets red with the blood of the eristockracy. Do you want to be friends? I sure hope so.



And that’s it. Have a good week and go get your fucking shinebox for the mooch.


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