Young Thug Is Ruining My Marriage

How the greatness of Young Thug is ruining one man's nuptial bliss.
By    November 14, 2017

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FADE IN:

EXT. FAMILY COUNSELING OFFICE – EVENING

In a Bay Area suburb, a counseling office sits in the middle of a business park.

DISSOLVE TO:

 

INT. FAMILY COUNSELING OFFICE – EVENING

A couple sits on a coach in a small office, across from a female COUNSELOR, white, straitlaced and in her 60s.

The COUNSELOR, hopeful and smiling, holds a pencil and notebook in her lap. The office has several paintings of peaceful landscapes featuring bridges and rivers, and a bookshelf filled to capacity with couples’ literature.

The husband, JESSE, white and about 40 years old, sits on the couch with his arms crossed, looking disinterested. He’s wearing extremely skinny red designer jeans, with red bottom Louboutin shoes and chains around his neck that dangle over his floral T-shirt.

The wife, MONIQUE, African-American and about 35, looks annoyed and is doing her best to keep plenty of space on the small couch between her and her husband. Fresh from work, she’s dressed professionally in a business suit.

COUNSELOR

Sooooo, you guys, how are we doing since our last session?

 

MONIQUE turns her head towards JESSE and stares at him. JESSE releases his folded arms, leans down and straightens his shoe laces. Neither say a word.

 

COUNSELOR

Okay then, how about an update on one of the exercises I gave you? Jesse, have you been able to space out your time listening to Young Thug to at least every other day?

JESSE

Yeah. Your idea about podcasts really helped. I’ve been listening to “Serial” and “Stuff You Should Know” around the house and in my car.

MONIQUE

Bullshit. I told him I can totally hear what’s blasting through his headphones. I don’t know any podcast that opens with “We got London on Da Track” and drops a trap beat.

JESSE

That was one time.

MONIQUE

That’s every morning when you get up and think I’m still sleeping.

COUNSELOR

How about your job? Are you making improvements there, Jesse?

MONIQUE

He got fired.

 

COUNSELOR

Oh my. What happened?

MONIQUE

He told his boss, “I got your bitch in a leg lock.”

JESSE

Actually, that was Mike in Finance. I told my boss, “I got your bitch in my backpack.” And that, “I wanna fuck on your baby mama.”

 

COUNSELOR

You said what?

JESSE

I need me some head from your baby mama.

He was pissed. I don’t get it.

 

COUNSELOR

So it sounds like you’ve made some regressions since last session. How are you holding up Monique?

MONIQUE

Honestly, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this going. I mean, he’s completely changed in the last six months since he discovered Young Thug. He’s obsessed. That’s all he listens to.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Young Thug. “Lifestyle” is one of my favorite rap songs ever, but come on, how about some variety? He used to listen to all kinds of music like Vince Staples, The Beatles, Kendrick, Coltrane, Zeppelin. Now it’s just Young Thug non-stop.

JESSE

How would you feel if I said, “I like you, but I need some variety, like Lisa, Angela, Pamela, Rene”?

COUNSELOR

Oooh, Nice LL reference.

JESSE

Thank you.

Look, Young Thug has a lot of music. I only discovered him a little while ago, so I need to catch up on quite a bit. I still haven’t even listened to any of the three “I Came From Nothing” mixtapes, so I can’t be that obsessed. Plus, he keeps releasing new mixtapes and doing guest spots.

 

MONIQUE

Speaking of his new music, since Super Slimey came out, I’ve really started to worry about JESSE’s health. He doesn’t even drink water anymore. He’ll only drink Patek water and that shit doesn’t even exist.

JESSE

Oh, it exists, and I’ll find it. Until then, I ain’t fuckin’ with no Fiji or Dasani bullshit.

 

COUNSELOR

Outside of being the most confusing sessions I have, you guys are my favorite and most intriguing case. Monique, have you tried what we talked about? You know, taking part in some of his appreciation for Young Thug?

MONIQUE

You know, I tried. I really did. But he just does so many things that are hell of annoying. It’s overwhelming.

 

COUNSELOR

Can you give me an example?

MONIQUE

Okay, so yesterday, I saw him on the computer and thought he was on Indeed or LinkedIn looking for a new job. Turns out, he’s making a ranking of Young Thug songs based on if they start with “We Got London on the Track” or “London on the Track, Bitch.” He made an Excel spreadsheet with tabs and everything.  

JESSE

You’d think “We Got London on the Track” would win in a landslide, but I gave extra points for song popularity, so “London on the Track, Bitch” made up a lot of ground because that’s how “Lifestyle” starts.

COUNSELOR

Uh, I guess. And, sorry, what is this London on the Track?

JESSE

It’s actually a “who is.” He’s basically George Martin to Young Thug’s Beatles.

COUNSELOR

Got it.

MONIQUE

I wasn’t done. So, he’s not doing it now, because you’re here, but at home when he talks, he uses this chaotic speech pattern, talking at rapid, breakneck paces, then suddenly slowing it down. He’s always changing his voice, squeaking in a high pitch like Peter Brady going through puberty, slurring words like he’s mentally disabled, talking Jamaican, or all loud and rugged like Busta Rhymes. It drives me insane. I usually don’t know what he’s saying until I’ve heard it for the third time.

 

COUNSELOR

What about …

MONIQUE

Also, he looks out the window of our house and yells, “Ain’t got no fuckin’ neighbors.” In reality, we have neighbors on three sides of our home – both sides and the back. He’s looking out the front window into the street and acting like we don’t have neighbors because Young Thug doesn’t have neighbors and feeds deer in his giant yard.

COUNSELOR

Who’s feeding deer in their backyard?

MONIQUE

My girlfriend invited us to ride jet skis in the Bay and he turned her down because he only “fucks with yachts.”

And don’t get me started on how he now calls all his friends “Homie Quan.” Julian Homie Quan. Chris Homie Quan. Winston Homie Quan. Kwon Homie Quan.

COUNSELOR

I’m so lost right now.

Anyway, let me ask you this MONIQUE, are there any positive things that come to mind when you think about your husband today?

MONIQUE

You know, yes. There are times when he can be the sweetest person ever. He can be amazingly thoughtful and introspective. He’s very present and engaged with our kids and our love and our relationship. He’ll tell me I’m perfect in his eyes. I’m the girl version of him and we’ll be together until we’re old and in a rest home. It’s beautiful.

He’s also been a lot more helpful with my dog, babysitting it when I’m not home. And I even caught him watching me jog a few times.

JESSE

All day.

 

MONIQUE

But then out of nowhere, he’s back to “bitch, bitch, bitch” and “lean, lean, lean.”

But on another positive note, I gotta say, if I’m being honest, the sex has been absolutely amazing since he became obsessed with Young Thug. He is really puttin’ it down in that area. He licks my body while he gives me a massage. Bites on my butt and sucks on my toes. Always having me sit on his face.

COUNSELOR

Okay, moving on …

MONIQUE

My pussy is never not wet. But it is kind of annoying when he keeps putting his dick in my mouth when I yawn. I mean, the first time was kind of funny, but enough already.

JESSE

My bad, babe. I’ll cool out on that.

MONIQUE

Appreciate it, babe.

 

COUNSELOR

Wow, look at that. There’s hope for you two after all.

MONIQUE

You know, I think there is. I’m praying that this is just an obsessive phase and he’ll slow down a bit in due time.

 

COUNSELOR

What do you say JESSE, why don’t you and MONIQUE listen to some Calvin Harris on your drive home today?

 

MONIQUE

Hey, look at you Miss Thang, all hip knowing who Calvin Harris is.

 

The COUNSELOR smiles and raises they roof.

 

JESSE

I think I can give Calvin Harris a shot.

MONIQUE

For real babe?

JESSE

Sure.

MONIQUE

“Slide”?

JESSE

After “Heatstroke.”

MONIQUE

Fine. It’s a deal.

JESSE and MONIQUE stand up, shake on it, and give each other a hug and kiss.

JESSE

Love ya, babe.

MONIQUE

Love you too, babe.

 

“Heatstroke” by Calvin Harris (featuring Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande) plays as JESSE and MONIQUE walk out of the family counseling office holding hands.

 

FADE OUT:

 

THE END