In a shocking reversal of fortune, Iraq, a nation recently teetering on the brink of Civil War has finally stabilized, as Iraqi insurgents of all stripes have laid down their arms, agreeing to love one another, regardless of religious sect or philosophical difference. In a magnanimous gesture, the United States will pull out its troops out of Baghdad, effective tomorrow. Sources within Iraq claim that the cessation of conflict stems largely from “Waiting On the World to Change,” an Anti-War song penned by American singer/songwritard, John Mayer.
Army General, David Petraeus, who took over from General George Casey just last week, explained how Mayer’s utopian ballad, and the not the recent Baghdad crackdown, ultimately paid the greatest dividends for the United States.
“What a talent that young man has!” Petraeus gushed, partially in shock from the conflict’s abrupt ending. “When Jenna [Bush] told Dubya that all the sorority girls from Texas were listening to it, he was skeptical. But the Commander-in-Chief understood that air-dropping copies of Continuum on the Iraqi people was our last best hope to turn back to the tide of the insurgency. The moment the Iraqis heard Mayer’s oh-so-sweet voice and deep-as-the-ocean floor lyrics, they understand that they were powerless to a greater power: the power of love.”
Muqtada Al-Sadr, the Iraqi cleric and head of the Shiite Mahdi army based in the impoverished slums of Sadr City, agreed that Mayer’s hit single was the crucial difference in altering the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people.
“We still curse the infidel Americans and their head piglet, George Bush. But we do not curse this so-called John Mayer,” Al-Sadr said with the shaking of a clenched fist. “I remember the first time I heard “Waiting for the World to Change.” Me and Muhammed Ibn-Al-Sheikh were at the Mosque for Friday prayers. Then, over the loudspeakers out came the holy Mayer’s words: “And we’re still waiting/waiting on the world to change/we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change/one day our generation is gonna’ rule the population/so we keep on waiting/waiting on the world to change.”
Mayer himself was pleased but unsurprised by the incredible impact of his song.
“I knew this song was gonna’ be special from the moment it first popped into my head. I’d just fucked Jessica and I rolled over to her and was like, ‘yo, J.” And she was like “yo, J, y’all.” And I was like, ‘this war sucks,’ and Jessica was like, “war? What war” Mayer said, suddenly breaking into his “guitar face” despite no guitars being in sight. “That’s when I knew that I needed to do something, to let the world know that hey, Neil Young, Green Day, The Dixie Chicks, Burt Baccharach, Merle Haggard, Billy Bragg, Bright Eyes, Steve Earle, The System of the Down, and many others may have written anti-war songs, but I’m John Mayer. What the world really is waiting on is protest music from the man who wrote the song,”My Stupid Mouth.”
Jessica Simpson was very proud of the success of her beau.
“Some guys…all they want to do is fuck, because I’m like, totally hot,” the blonde temptress gushed. “But John really cares. He wants to fuck and then talk about geo-poetry, all night long. I never knew the Iraq War had this much to do with ‘the shocker.’ John is truly talented. He is no Nick Lachey,” Simpson confidently declared.
Your Body Won’t Be a Wonderland When I Get Through With It
Yet not everyone was pleased by Mayer’s ability to end the Iraq War. Vice-President Dick Cheney expressed his disdain for Mayer’s work, claiming that the troubadork had very little to do with the end result.
“John Mayer can go fuck himself!” Cheney growled. “The insurgency was in its last throes well over two years ago. The ending of the war is a natural extension of the policies that this administration has enacted. It’s good to see that the Iraq people have finally realized that we are their liberators. It took long enough. After being here for four years, it was about time that we finally saw some fucking tossed flower petals. On a personal note, its a sad day for me. I’d grown rather attached to the Iraq war. I’ll be sad to see it go. At least there’s always Iran.”