July 6, 2007

This week marked the release of one of this year’s most anticipated rap albums, T.I. Vs. Tip., the follow-up to 2006’s T.I.’s hit King, a record that was best summarized by Ian Cohen in just four words: colossal waste of beats.

So far, the buzz on T.I. Vs. Tip has been mostly negative, with its Metacritic score sitting at a tepid 60. But I don’t trust Metacritic and its so-called “algorithms.” So I consulted with a machine that I’ve never known to be wrong, the oracle known as The T.I. 85. Indeed, only the calculator of Kings could analyze the real T.I., an artist so diverse he’s capable of doing both kinds of rap: gangster rap and Southern rap.

Yes, the TI-85 is so powerful it can solve both convoluted Calculus problems and the problem of how to keep occupied during worthless Calculus classes. (I.E. Snake, Drug War, & Tetris, games so addictive I’m surprised the other T.I. hasn’t bragged about selling them). There is only one problem. Namely that of late my ancient calculator is showing the harmful effects of laying dormant for a decade. For some reason, it will only produce out a series of random numbers. Therefore, I have no choice but to interpret the prophecy of the machine

Revelations from the T.I. (85)


Q: What are the number of minutes on this bloated album.

A: 68

Q: The number of minutes that I’ll never listen to again for rest of my life: (The five minutes of “Watch What You Say to Me” are pretty awesome though. )

A: 2

Q: What are the number of past their prime rappers who somehow manage to out-shine T.I. (Busta Rhymes & Jay-Z)

A: 0.001 percent%

What percentage is T.I. Vs. Tip, guest, Eminem of his former self?

A: 9,832

How many times does T.I. call himself the “King.”

King Louis XIV: A Much Better King Than T.I. (And Probably Capable of Making a Better Album)
A: 4 percent

Q: What is the percentage of the time that the differences between and T.I. and TIP are readily apparent?


Q: What is the number of tired gangster tropes and 2-dimensional drug-dealer stereotypes that T.I. recycles on this album.

A: 25

Q: How many rap albums have been made in 2007 that are better than T.I. Vs. Tip.

A: 16

Q: The number of bars it takes for T.I. to wear out his presence on any track.

A: Zero

Q: What is the sense of humor that T.I.possesses.

A: 3.3

Q: The score websites would give T.I. Vs. Tip if an indie rock band released a record this derivative, uninspired and straight-up boring.

Download the only thing on this record worth listening to.
MP3: T.I. (feat. Jay-Z)-“Watch What You Say to Me”

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