The Beat Generation: Kiss of a Black Widow

Zilla Rocca is known in some circles as the Philly underground’s version of LL Cool J. This makes Freeway very jealous. And yes, if you were wondering, I will use any and every opportunity I have to post the Bobby Digital album cover.

I don’t know about other bloggers, but a large chunk of what I write about for The Beat Generation comes from conversations I have. My much debated Jay-Z vs. Nas post stemmed from an hour long shouting match with Nico the Beast, our manager Big O and a friend of his who was a Nas-stan (nevermind Big O trying to justify LL Cool J in his top 5 MC’s of all time—that’s a whole ‘nother blog).

I just wrapped up a two-day conversation/diatribe/shouting match with a female co-worker on dating tips for men. As a world famous hip hop star, I’m known to put it down with the ladies throughout the tri-state area (even though Philadelphia was just voted the least attractive city by some tourist study—‘cause I’m sure all the hotties are chilling in Cleveland ). But this debate wasn’t about anything sexual…no, no no. This was about a kiss, and ONLY a kiss

Now, I know women. I was raised by one. I lived with one. I talk to them everyday. I like to eat with them and take them to see extremely violent films. I’m no ladies man by any means but I’m doing OK. What I have learned from women is this:

1) They will take a free date (dinner, movies, bowling, drinking shooters at Chili’s) from a large chunk of the male population.

2) If they like you enough, they will most likely show you at the end of the date in some kind of physical way.

3) If they think you are the reincarnation of Jon Favreau from Swingers (before he listened to Vince Vaughn and that guy named Sue), they will keep that physical affection to themselves; unless they feel really guilty or actual pity towards you, then you might get a kiss once but that’s it.

4) Just because you get a girl’s number and take her out doesn’t guarantee a kiss on the first date. However, if you are asking a girl for her number, get it, then arrange to take her out, you are hinting that there is some kind of romantic/physical attraction happening that you’d like to explore. It’s up to you to “seal the deal” on the date. If you don’t, refer to rules 1 and 3.

What? Like House of Pain Was Going to Do Anything?

Now, the first date is the audition. You (the man) are simply doing your best not to say anything stupid (“Don’t you just love Larry the Cable Guy?”) in hopes of getting yourself another date. She (the lady) is also up for inspection, however her levels of interest will dictate the outcome of the date. So, your job is to grab her interest and maintain it at a high level. If you do that, then you should be able to go in for a kiss with no problem.

Following that logic, if a girl is NOT interested in you based off your 3 hour audition at Dave & Buster’s, then she will maybe let you kiss her on the cheek, or she’ll give you a hug, or my favorite, give you a handshake, aka “The Crippler.” If the outcome of your first date ends in any of these, you’re most likely going to end up in the Friend Zone. Every guy has a friend trapped in the Friend Zone—a guy with tons of beautiful and available woman at his disposal and they’re all his “pals” or “buds.” He is, to quote Ace Ventura, a “la-hoo-za-her.” Unless he’s gay—that’s a serious untapped resource to straight men everywhere.

Now, I refuse to reside in the Friend Zone. So my rule of thumb is that if I cannot secure a kiss on the first date, I’m simply never calling the girl again. If she’s not digging me enough after talking on the phone, then going out with me for 2-3 hours to give me a smooch, then it’s a lost cause. You’ll either most likely end up in the Friend Zone, which is worse than sitting in hell with Soulja Boy, or you’ll get a second date as she tries to “make up her mind” if she’s digging you. That’s like eating a Kit Kat and saying “Ehh…you know I’m not sure if this is sweet enough yet. Let me try it again next weekend maybe.” Please. It’s not that complicated—you’re either enjoying the crispy chocolate covered wafer or you’re not. It’s not going to taste different next week.

Right Now, This is the Most Popular Rapper in the World. Let That Slowly Start to Sink In….

After sharing this with two female co-workers, here’s the responses I got. On a sidenote, they are not 60 years old:

“Ewww—you’s a whore!!! I can’t believe you go around putting your mouth on everybody!”

“I never kiss on the first date. That doesn’t mean I don’t like you. If I like you, I’ll kiss you on the cheek or give you a hug.”

“I wouldn’t kiss a man on the mouth until the third date.”

“You don’t know what is going on with that person’s mouth! They could have cold sores or herpes of the mouth!!!”

“I need a few more dates to check out the man’s mouth to make sure I won’t contract anything from him.”

Apparently, my female co-workers only get asked out by men who clean bathrooms at the bus station. And they’re only comfortable giving a kiss after spending 10-12 hours with someone AFTER they’ve given them a full dental examination “just in case.” And they were born apparently in 1934 but physically appear to be 25 years old.

I’m trying to get as much feedback from the outside world as possible. Please me give your thoughts on this situation because my co-workers actually think I’m crazy. Is a man being a mouth whore by expecting a kiss on the first date? Is it acceptable for a woman to give a nice, cuddly hug to indicate her high level of interest? Are Kit Kats better frozen or at room temperature?

Help me, people!

Download:

MP3: Rza-“Kiss of a Black Widow”

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