Image via Hip Hop is Read
Unless you’ve been living in the Madagascan Rain Forest or are a cave-dwelling ignicolist in Outer Mongolia, you’re well aware that today marks the inauguration of Barack Obama. To the delight of the rap world and the chagrin of the social security set, Obama has been billed as the first hip-hop president. With an iPod that includes Jay-Z, Kanye and Ludacris, Obama’s light years ahead of his benighted Oval Office predecessors; yet judging from his pragmatic cabinet, it’s unlikely that the White House will be a bastion of boom-bap–unless Eric Holder’s holding out on us.
In honor of this historic day, it’s time to examine what things would look like had the other Clinton seen his dream come true.
Pros: Has previously bonded with Nicholas Sarkozy over the song, “Big Pimpin.” Boasts a close relationship with Rockefeller. If given half a key to flip, may be able to bail out the economy.
Cons: Close ties with elites like Chris Martin and “Angelina Joliezie” may prove anathema to heartland supporters. Popularity ratings never recovered after Kingdom Come. Def Jam gig ended worse than Cheney’s.
Secretary of State: Kanye West
Pros: Polled high prior to 808s & Heartbreak. Maintains the ability to cut across racial, cultural, and socio-economic boundaries. His appointment sends a Shinseki-esque rebuke to the parting Bush administration.
Cons: Never graduated college. May cry in the middle of intense diplomatic negotiations. Potentially easily confused and irritated at having to work in a place called Foggy Bottom.
Secretary of the Treasury: Lil Wayne
Pros: Extensive familiarity with cash money. Understands the nature of the underground economy. Doesn’t mind kissing Babies–a must for any politician.
Cons: Can only count to a milli.
Secretary of Defense: 50 Cent
Pros: Makes Donald Rumsfeld look like Donald Duck. Is incapable of being killed by conventional weapons. In the perpetual fight for resources between the DOD and the State Dept., Curtis knows how to get money.
Cons: ‘Roid rage may make him too erratic to conduct proper diplomacy. Will bring Tony Yayo and Lloyd Banks–the Rocksteady and Bebop of rap–along for the ride.
Attorney General: Jim Jones
Pros: No one knows more “Kosher Lawyers.” Laser focus on popping champagne allows him to monitor underage drinking. Dipset Christmas albums reveal him to be a man of family values. Expert at being a Diplomat.
Cons: Mainstream America still gets him confused with the late, Kool-Aid swilling, cult leader. Freekey!
Secretary of Agriculture: B-Real
Pros: Reputation for green thumb agricultural acumen will endear him to the ever-dwindling population of American farmers.
Cons: May only devote his time and energies to cash crops.
Secretary of Labor: Aesop Rock
Pros: The Eugene Debs of hip-hop has staked his career on thinking about Labor.
Cons: Name recognition confined to liberal arts graduates, dismissive music critics, and blog readers–esentially, the same thing.
Secretary of the Interior: Redman
Pros: No one knows more about trees.
Cons: More into burning trees than conserving them.
Secretary of Transport: Rick Ross
Pros: Has experience at speeding, transporting bricks and claims to maintain extensive, international connections. Will hustle every day at the office. Has prior government experience.
Cons: Once claimed a close and personal relationship with Manuel Noriega. Luckily for the vetting process, no one believes him.
Secretary of Education: Lil Boosie
Pros: Little kids can’t count to ten, but they can spell Boosie’s name. Which is more than you can say about Arne Duncan.
Secretary of Veteran Affairs: Nas
Pros: No one has shown more concern for washed up vets than Nasir, as evidenced by his “Where Are They Now,” 80s and 90s remixes.
Cons: Has a one hot benefits package every ten year average.
Secretary of Homeland Security: M.O.P.
Pros: Are cold as ice, unafraid to ante up, and showed an early knack for the Internet with the popularity of their website, www.Iwillfuckyouup.com
Cons: Are probably cons. People may think M.O.P. stands for mop and shit.
Secretary of Energy: Busta Rhymes
Pros: Shows perspicacity in dealing with Middle Eastern nations and in getting Arab money. Has the ability to throw the water on any crisis.
Cons: Wears more dresses than any government employee since J. Edgar Hoover.
Secretary of Housing & Urban Development:Young Jeezy
Pros: Best motivational rapper since Tony Robbins.
Cons: Best motivational rapper since Tony Robbins.
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Dr. Dre
Pros: Slightly more trustworthy than Dr. Octagon. Spends most days devoted to physical fitness and the pursuit of handsomeness.
Cons: May have obtained his degree at Compton Upstairs Medical School.