Jimmy Ness can tell you some stuff about Phuket.

DJ Khaled should worry about new ideas, instead of new friends. He needs a crew that brings creative criticism to the studio rather than codeine. The “DJ” has used the same technique to make music for seven records- cram a bunch of relevant artists on a track with a “cinematic hook” and let the power of their popularity sell the record. Khaled’s first release Listennn…the album had an intro with over 24 guest features in less than two minutes. Who really needed to hear a song featuring Pitbull, Nas and Bone Thugs N Harmony performing together?

Seven years later, Khaled bin Abdul Khaled still hasn’t learnt his lesson. “No New Friends” sounds like a b-side to “Bitches Love Me,” and was probably made during the same session. Drake sings the melodramatic hook over traditional polished but still semi lo-fi production from BFFs “Boi-1da” and Noah “40” Shebib. He mentions “Bitches Love Me” specifically during his bland raps and tries to drop a hot line by saying “If I had a baby momma she would probably be richer than a lot of you.” This line falls flat because a) It’s not very good and b) Drizzy would never just have a “baby momma.” I bet five Birdman handrubs he would be shopping for maternity underwear in the blink of an eye.

Rozay comes along secondly and grunts a tepid verse, which only women’s rights groups will bother paying attention to. Weezy also appears to drop a few throwaway verses and the cycle of mediocrity is complete. Just in case there wasn’t enough star power, an unaccredited Future pops up during the last few seconds of the track. If Khaled is so concerned with keeping old friends, he should have thrown T-Pain a scrap and let him sing the Gucci astronaut’s part. It’s not as if this song could get any less memorable.

Four of the most popular current artists, and still not a single reason to replay this track? Blame Khaled. The true reason he has “No new friends” is because he’s always shouting WETHEBEST and no one likes a braggart, especially if their claims are blatantly untrue. If all of Khaled’s music is a movie like he claims, this is definitely the Baby Geniuses 2 of rap.

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