June 17, 2013

YAY-ZEE

When fans found out “Yeezus” was only ten tracks, they were devastated. They felt cheated. They wanted more. Luckily, we’ve been able to scour internet message boards and hard drives, high and low bandwidth, foreign and domestic, and we’ve found some “Yeezus” Loosies. — Brad Beatson

A Man Needs a Lamp [Feat. Drake (Prod. by Pete Wentz, Kanye West and Grumpy Cat)]

Kanye West allegedly received this phone call in late 2012 while he was holed up in his Paris apartment. Immediately agitated because someone was disturbing him during his watercolor sessions, he instructed Siri to answer the call on speaker:

“SIRI”
“Yes, God?”
“PUT THAT SHIT ON SPEAKER I’M MANIFESTING AWESOMENESS!!!”
“Right away”

On the other end was Pete Wentz. What happened next was a stroke of luck. Given the absolutely abysmal acoustics in the Parisian abode, there was a slight loss in translation. What Pete said to Kanye was:

“Things are going really great. The family’s good. The bands getting back together, can’t complain. You?”

But what Kanye heard was:

“We should do a track with Drake and Grumpy Cat”

To which Kanye replied, “DONE”, and hung up the phone.

Pete claims that within a half hour, 4 men in suits kicked in his door and threw him in the back of a blacked out black car. When he came to, he was on a private jet somewhere over the Atlantic, looking up at a chartreus- robed Drake who happened to be stroking Grumpy Cat .”You ready to make history?” said Aubrey. Grumpy Cat didn’t even flinch.

Kanye-Grumpy

Throughout the entire recording process all Kanye tried to do was make Grumpy Cat smile. He couldn’t stand the fact that Grumpy Cat didn’t seem to enjoy his company.

“But like, that’s his thing” Pete said
“YOU SAW THAT, TELL ME YOU SAW THAT, HE SMIRKED” said Kanye

He didn’t.

Grumpy Cat was loyal to Drake and Drake only, because Drake paid less attention to Grumpy Cat than anyone else in the world. Bitch recognize Bitch.

The track predictably doesn’t live up to it’s billing, but is slated to appear in a scene of Anchor Man 2: The Legend Continues, where Brick Tamland is struggling with constipation.

Misandry & Misogyny [Feat. Kim Kardashian and Baby Girl]

With the announcement of Paris Hilton signing to Young Money, is it really that surprising that Kim worked her way onto the album? You really thought Blue Ivy was going to get all the shine? Absolutely not.

“Misandry & Misogyny” both samples and is sung to the tune of “Ebony & Ivory”. Sure to raise several eyebrows, Mr. West incorporates both Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder’s versions of the classic record. He supplies a few #MACCA riffs, and spits an eyebrow-raising quotable, “Blind as a bitch, Wonder where’s my dick, Stevie.”

Kanye-Baby-Girl-Final-Mix

Kanye’s use of Kim and Baby Girl on the track is also very unsettling. Jay-Z’s Kim’s raspy product placement yelps are slurred between ultrasound DJ swipes of her belly. At one point Kanye yells CUT THIS SHIT and for the next 35 seconds all the listener hears is an empathetic emphatic, coke-addled Kanye exclaiming:

“Yeah that’s my lil’ girl you hear that!”
“Ayo shut the fuck up my baby is speakin her first words and shit”
“Jay didn’t record when she was in the womb”

“Yall what would be the bes—-OH SHIT! THAT’S MY BABY YALL”

“YEAH YALL, THIS THE FIRST MOTHER FUCKIN WORLD LEADER YALL. PEACE AND LOVE AND POWER IN THIS BELLY. YALL AINT READY. YALL AINT FUCKIN READY.”

Bestiality Brunch (Samples: Peaches – “Fuck The Pain Away”)

Just last month, Kanye and Kim took a trip to Japan. Kim wanted to do something nice for Kanye since he’d recently wrapped up “Yeezus”, and she knew just the place. Little did he know he was about to have an experience that would change his life, forever.

After getting settled in at the hotel in the Roppongi District, they were on there way to the big surprise.

“Baby what the fuck is this place, ion’t like this one bit”
“Would you stop it, don’t be such a little pussy”
“call me a pussy again”
“you’re a little pussy, a hairy little pussy”
“I love you”

They hopped out of the car and were greeted by three men in black hoods. One of them extended his hand to Kanye. Kanye cocked his fist. Kim briefly calmed them down, and they went inside. They went through one row of security, then another, then another, and then finally an open hallway with stables.

“Baby what the fuck is that smell?”

They began walking down the hall, and Kanye looked inside the stables. The first was filled to the brim with chicken. The next, dogs. A little bit further down, goats. And finally, pigs.

Kim-Piggy

“What is this Kim?”
“Just relax KahnYay. We’re here to have a little bit of fun and then go eat.  Keep an open mind, okay.”
“What the fuck are you even talmbout”
“Look, I’m going to go into this pig pen, and those dirty little pigs are going to make momma squeal. And then I’m going to enjoy their bacon.”

Kim disappeared into the pig pen. Kanye stood there, speechless, Unable to move. Kim’s words rang in his head. He wasn’t a little pussy. He couldn’t let Matt & Trey win. No. He could do this. He slowly walked back down the hallway. He took a look up at the goats, shuddered, kept walking. He took a look at the dogs, paused for a moment, then shook his head in disgust. He then stopped, swirled around and went back to the goats.

“Hey wait a minute, I know you!” “Felicia?”

One of the goats swirled her head around.

“Holy shit it is you” Kanye said, as he hopped over the gate. He ran over and started scratching Felicia on the chin. “How the fuck you get over here? Did they make you come here, after what happened?”

Felicia stared up at him, blankly.

“Aw man, these fuckin corporations man, I swear to fuckin god. Yo hold on a minute lemme see what you think about my new single.”

In the middle of this he hears Kim shrieking with delight. Don’t be a little pussy, he thinks. “I’m gonna make it all better, Felicia, I’ll make the pain go away.” A single tear falls from his eye.

The-GOAT

“How was it for you KahnYay?”
“I don’t want to talk about it, not right now”

The staff of waiters then returned from the stables to present the couple with their meals. For Kanye, a bowl of Black Pepper Goat Curry. For Kim, 12 plates of bacon, 4 plates of ham, and one pork-chop necklace to go.

 

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