Yachts and Things: Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have My Money”

Financial advice from today's most prudent star.
By    July 3, 2015


Haley Potiker’s credit score is anti-semitic.

Remember when Rihanna said she was “Four Five Seconds From Wylin’” and you didn’t believe her? Well, it seems her accountant didn’t buy it either. He should have.

In the video for “Bitch Better Have My Money,” Rihanna’s fun summer hit about kidnapping and murder, she acts out a literal interpretation of her lyrics more gripping than any bullshit faux-feminist action flick to come out this year. A prototypical trophy wife with perfectly exposed fake tits kisses her husband goodbye, clutches her pristinely groomed Pomeranian, and boards an elevator with Rihanna. The door closes. The door opens. Rihanna has the dog. Your wife is in the trunk.

Rihanna and her crew have everything covered. There’s a car switch, the getaway vehicle is lit on fire. The local Sheriff is evaded with quick ingenuity. Twice. Your wife is carefully blindfolded. A yacht is taken somewhere. I guess the only mistake Rihanna makes is thinking you were going to give a fuck about your wife being kidnapped while you’re literally blowing money out of cannons in bed with other women.

Whatever, it doesn’t matter. You’re the one who’s got to pay. Your wife is in on the fun by now. It’s only a matter of time.

In the end, Rihanna lies casually smoking a blunt, draped naked atop a trunk full of money, covered in blood and strategically placed hundred dollar bills, (#freethe) nipples exposed for an extra fuck you because she knows you hate it. Justice is served. And in case you were about to act like you forgot who calls the shots, here’s a close up of Rihanna, dripping in the man’s blood. Take your warning seriously.



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