Son Raw is bent out three days two nights yo he’s spent out. One hell of a cruise New York got they hand out.
2015 was a great year. 2016 could be even better. Or not. Either way some/most/all/none of the following will happen.
1. Rae Sremmurd samples Kriss Kross and the Internet loses its shit.
2. American Indie Rock continues to be the musical equivalent of getting trapped by a Bernie Sanders supporter at a party: even if you agree with what they’re saying, you desperately wish you were listening to anything else.
3. Kendrick Lamaar vanishes to an undisclosed island planet when J. Cole turns to the dark side and helps Lyor Cohen rebuild the death star. The only map to his location is tattooed on Jay Rock’s face.
4. Future goes full cowboy and releases an album of autotuned Narco-corrido ballads. Somehow, it’s fantastic.
5. The music press goes through much hand-wringing when the Latin American casa-house subgenre they decided to hype turns out to have started in Essex. They go along with it anyways.
6. Power ambient sweeps the Nation!
7. Tragically, Miley Cyrus is paralyzed in a freak edge play accident. Terry Richardson is charged and released.
8. Beyonce’s album sells 2 million copies in one week after being withheld from streaming services. In conversations with women everywhere, white dudes nod awkwardly and pretend to give a shit.
9. Chris Brown punches a woman [Note: I wrote this in late December. I shit you not.]
10. Someone finally mentions Awful Records offline, in meat space, using their voice, breaking the label’s curse and freeing their souls from this earthly plane. Father releases two mixtapes.
11. Young Thug releases his new collection of blouses. Troy Ave. fans immediately suffer a mass collective aneurysm in response.
12. Danny Brown drops the most fire shoegaze record of 2016.
13. Kanye West starts wearing one of those scouters from Dragonball Z and you all fall for it.
14. Jay-Z breaks a hip.
15. Footwork continues to be the most interesting music America’s produced in a decade, but everyone except Kode9 is too busy listening to drill.
16. Drake gets kidnapped by Riko Dan while shooting a music video in East London. When his pleas that “road recognize road” go unanswered, Big Narstie is sent in as a hostage negotiator.
17. Music critics continue to supplement their late stage capitalism think pieces with in depth analyses of Bieber’s oeuvre.
18. Earl Sweatshirt is still the smartest guy in rap, still gets asked for more rape jokes by skaters in monster energy caps. Sorry bro.
19. Things get awkward when Wale tries to go the Kendrick route but ends up remaking CB4’s “I’m Black Y’all” word for word.
20. After getting dumped by Nicki Minaj, Meek Mill is found disoriented and confused in a “No-Kill shelter.” Thankfully, his story has a happy ending when he’s adopted by a nice lady named Astrid and finds his “forever home.”