The Blandest Rap Remixes of 2017

Ethan Davenport breaks down the various hits being remixed this year.
By    October 4, 2017

future

Ethan Davenport is working on the remix to this piece as we speak.

Once a month I lurk on the Spotify new releases tab to see a remix. It’s never exceptional, usually just a verse added to an already popular song by an artist with enough buzz to garner about 5 million streams. This last year it seems that many of these remixes have teetered on the unnecessary side, whether the original is already a chart topping song or the new remix truly has nothing extra to offer.

For the record, I believe that the Kanye remix of Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop” is by far the greatest and the ones on this list will forever be chasing that glory. Each of these songs came out in the past year and I could’ve written them all off as gluttonous, but that’d be too easy, so here’s a list of the worst and unneeded remixes this year:


Lorde — Homemade Dynamite REMIX (feat. Khalid, SZA, Post Malone)


This song was definitely crowdfunded by 16-23 year-old girls. I would’ve rather had a collab of their parodied Twitter accounts. Lorde’s verse could focus about eating pizza alone at 1am. Khalid has a few lines about loving dogs so much he’d literally die for them, SZA’s could say some Rupi Kaur inspired wokeness, and then Post Malone’s will screenshot all of it and say, “Who did this?!”


Post Malone — Congratulations REMIX (feat. Quavo, Future)


I thought Future cared about us. I truly did. On any given Friday night, this song is being played in a college dorm room by a guy wearing his varsity jacket, Nike Elite socks, and Sperry Topsiders. The backup punter listens to this song pre-game. You get the idea.


Future — Mask Off REMIX (feat. Kendrick Lamar)


Can we agree never to let Kendrick waste a verse again? There’s a KD to the Warriors parallel here, but then again, the Warriors ended up winning. This is more like if Grown Ups was made in the ’90s when Adam Sandler and friends were at the top of their game—but it ended up being equally as terrible.


Khalid — Young Dumb & Broke REMIX (feat. Rae Sremmurd, Lil Yachty)


If I found a flash drive with unreleased Rae Sremmurd and Lil Yachty verses, I’d do the same except maybe be more discreet. Khalid now owns “The Ultimate Opportunist” nickname that once belonged to Edge (that’s a deep cut WWE reference, thank you). Other than that one Logic song, this might be the anthem for the Class of 2018.

Gucci Mane — Both REMIX (feat. Drake & Lil Wayne)

How many great Wayne verses do we have left? The best possible version of this song would be Wayne replacing Drake and then partnering with Gucci Mane in the 2020 presidential election. Wait a minute. Imagine a world where every Drake feature is replaced with a Lil Wayne verse. If anyone reading this has the technological ability to complete a mission of this caliber, please send me the zip files when you’re finished.


Kyle — iSpy REMIX (feat. Kodak Black)


Ever since Kodak heard Lil Yachty rapping about broccoli, he’s been out to destroy everything he loves, including this song. So, Kodak replaces him and we discover, for the only time ever hopefully, that Yachty fits best into a song. Kyle doesn’t alter his part minus a couple lines, and I shouldn’t disrespect him for it, I do the exact same with the first message I send to girls on Tinder.


Kodak Black — “No Flockin 2 (Bodak Orange)”


The thought has gone through every director’s head many times over. It’s difficult to resist the temptation when the first one was so well received, and some of us are too weak to fight it. The only thing worse than a remix is a misguided sequel. This is Clerks 2 mixed with Dumb and Dumber 2. And the worst part of it all: It’s titled “Bodak Orange” for some reason.


Desiigner — Tiimmy Turner REMIX (feat. Kanye West)


“Kanye Saved My Ass” will be a Jeopardy! category within the year. If you haven’t heard this song, I’ll give you the rundown. Desiigner boringly raps about a Nickelodeon show all by himself on the original, AND THEN, on the remix, he boringly raps about Nickelodeon for about 2 minutes less because Yeezus has never seen cartoons and can’t necessarily contribute to the conversation.


French Montana — Unforgettable REMIX (feat. Swae Lee & Mariah Carey)


Hearing Swae Lee’s falsetto in harmony with Mariah Carey sparked the Fifth Great Awakening. Then I heard French Montana (this is supposedly his song), and realized he brought Mariah Carey on because we all need two crutches if we want to limp around easier. At least French knows he’s consistently the worst part of his own songs?


Bruno Mars — That’s What I Like REMIX (feat. Gucci Mane)


Nope. I know this is a plot by Bruno Mars to slowly introduce suburban mothers to rap and it’s not going to happen. Luckily, this song won’t pop up in their Keith Urban Pandora station, but we must start a committee to get this song removed from streaming services and eliminate all traces before I hear Cathy at the PTA meeting mispronounce Guwop.