The Ways Jack White Will Release His New Album

Jack Riedy explains all the ways Jack White will release his new record.
By    January 19, 2018

Jack Riedy taught Jack White the secrets of upholstery. 

Jack White, member of too many bands to name and the only contender for the title “Willy Wonka of rock,” announced his third solo album last week. Judging by breakbeats and organ solos of the early singles, Boarding House Reach will show off a wider range of blues than ever before. White is a fervent advocate for physical media, and this album cycle is no exception. Retrieved from a lead-lined vault hidden deep beneath Third Man Records, here are all the ways Jack White will release his next album.

  • Cassette
  • Vinyl
  • Deluxe vinyl with MP3 download and decoder ring
  • Super deluxe vinyl with all of the above plus secret b-sides etched into the cardboard sleeve only visible after being dipped in water from the banks of the Mississippi Delta
  • Ultra super deluxe vinyl with all of the above plus holographic cover
  • Sold out of Third Man ice cream trucks only distinguishable from normal ice cream trucks by their minor key rendition of “The Entertainer”
  • Junkyard dogs trained to bark each song in exchange for a two-dollar-bill
  • Disneyland’s animatronic President Lincoln programmed to recite the lyrics instead of the Gettysburg Address but only at 3:33 on Wednesdays
  • Whispered into a storm cloud from the wicker basket of a hot-air balloon
  • Hidden in Patrick Carney’s attic whether he likes it or not
  • Sheet music carved into the bedpost of a haunted house in Sterling, VA
  • A renewed global economy that recognizes and compensates the inherent value of music without the need to resort to gimmicky physical releases
  • All major streaming services

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