Mike Dupar called the shit poop!
Swan Song for a Jackass
One week into this column and Jason Kidd has already been fired. For those of you wondering, I can neither confirm nor deny my role in the Buck’s decision-making process.
When I heard the news I was overjoyed, the mere thought of never having to watch that neck-scratching, eye-rubbing, wife-beating, chia-pet-faced fuck again was enough to make me attempt my first and last splits. But shortly thereafter I was overcome by a deep sorrow, as I was only just getting started in my methodical dismemberment of Kidd’s entire being. While my master plan is now unnecessary, I will say that I may or may not have found out where Kidd lived last week and that I’ve maybe been collecting my neighbor’s dog shit for the last four months.
On his way out the door Kidd attempted to smear his shit all over the organization like the sociopathic and petulant man-child he is. As the news broke Kidd began manipulating the narrative surrounding his objectively warranted firing. With the help of an army of NBA journalists and ex-players who are still riding his flaccid, deformed whiskey dick from back in his playing days, Kidd and his surrogates went on a media tirade that was as transparent and poorly calculated as his coaching decisions.
— KG's Area 21 (@KGArea21) January 24, 2018
On TNT’s broadcast Tuesday night, Kevin Garnett, looking like a sperm, made it clear that he’d never watched the Bucks play, despite being a paid consultant of the team under Kidd. Garnett then went on to explain that organizations needed to be held as accountable as its players/coaches. This is incredibly rich considering Kidd’s history of domestic violence, adultery, and alcohol abuse. For those that are unfamiliar, here is Jason Kidd failing to empathize, apologize, or really say anything other than the word “basketball” when he was interviewed about the domestic abuse charges he would later plead guilty to.
Putting aside Kidd’s irrational coaching decisions and his extensive résumé of court-side fuck-ups, this is a man who has never really had to reconcile or repair the damage he’s caused to others. Jason Kidd is a manipulative, ego-maniac who’s actions off the court should’ve never allowed him to be considered for another job, let alone one that gave him a platform and an opportunity to mold the minds of young men.
Thankfully this wormy bastard is done in Milwaukee and hopefully, thanks to his own stupidity, done as a coach for good. But should he slither into a town near you, I advise you to be less like Julia and more like Harper.
In their last five games, Washington is 3rd worst in the league in Efficiency Differential, behind only Cleveland and Phoenix, according to NBAstuffer.com. Their on-court failings come off the back of a strange player only meeting that John Wall later described as having set the team back. Player only meetings are rarely a good sign but often can lead to improved performance; unfortunately, the Wizards went onto the court against the Hornets and played with an ugliness only mirrored by Marcin Gortat’s face.
Here, Beal drives towards the hoop in what I’m nicely referring to as a spread iso set. Wall stands a few feet behind the arc looking as if he’s about to take a piss, while the rest of his teammates stand still and ball watch. No one cuts or even blinks and things end as expected, with Beal making a stupid pass and his teammates looking unsurprised.
This play is one of my favorites on the year because not only do the Wizards completely fail to execute, but they also manage to look stupider than Dwight Howard pretending to set a screen. As Howard lumbers up towards the top of the arc, Gortat follows presumably to tag and contain Kemba Walker on the other side of Howard’s forthcoming pick. But rather than set the pick (this is Dwight Howard after all), Howard tags Beal’s ass and waltzes into the paint (after Gortat tags his ass as well). What ensues is pure comedy; Beal refuses to go over the top of a non-existent screen while Gortat unnecessarily traps Walker.
Meanwhile, Otto Porter tags Howard and then reverts to guarding Marvin Williams, who is also above the arc. At this point the Wizards have three players above the arc guarding two players while Howard rolls towards the rim to either finish or kick it out to either corner for a three. Seeing as Howard has nearly a full foot height advantage, he decides to lay it in over Wall, but not before Gortat can jog in to cup Howard’s ass while he does so.
I think the Wizards are fucked for a multitude of reasons, the first of which being that they are already significantly over the cap and will remain so next year as well unless they get creative. The other reason is that this team seemingly doesn’t like one another and they lack the bench depth to play really anyone besides their starting 5, Satoransky, and Oubre.
This means it’s TRADE TIME!
Full Court Digress Masturbatory Trade Deadline Special
Like every other asshole that writes about the NBA, I too have a poor understanding of cap mumbo-jumbo and a platform to share hair-brained and semi-unrealistic trades.
We begin with the Wizards and the Cavs. The Wizards need fresh blood, another star veteran, a defensive minded center (with knees), and a deeper bench.
The Cavs probably only need to start practicing (for those of you who think I’m kidding, I’m not, they literally don’t practice), but since they are a bunch of idiots who kowtow to LeBron’s whims, they’ll probably just trade productive and talented players to his liking instead of implementing and practicing a defensive scheme. This past week the Cavs (front office and all) confronted Kevin Love for faking sick. Now he is persona-non-grata in Cleveland and must be traded…duh. While I greatly respect the art of faking sick and wholly endorse it, Love picked the worst and most obvious situation to employ it in.
Here the Cavs get to unload their assortment of shitty players (and Love) that LeBron brought in and exchange them for less shitty players that still won’t be enough to help them get back to the finals. Nonetheless, the Cavs convince themselves otherwise. In their minds, Biyombo is the rim-defending big they need, Fournier the two-way wing threat Crowder hasn’t been for years, Simmons the guy LeBron played a few times and liked, Morris the enforcer, and Frazier the guy they need because they’re trading senior citizen Calderon and no-kneed rapist Rose.
The Wizards make out like bandits and obtain a third star in Love, a defensive and mobile center in Thompson, and a few scrappy and experienced guards to bolster their bench. They also don’t have to look at Gortat anymore and manage to get off the albatross of a contract that is Ian Mahinmi.
The Magic absorb some cap and take on a couple expiring contracts, but what they also get is a 2018 unprotected 1st round pick from Washington and another unprotected 2018 1st Round Pick from the Cavs (not the Nets pick). Also, Gortat gets to play in his adopted hometown for the remainder of his career and fulfill his life-long dream of moonlighting as Rattigan from the Great Mouse Detective at Disney World on the weekends.
Cavs and Grizzlies
Again, the Cavs should probably just start practicing, but since that’s a non-starter, here we go again. This time they trade Love and Thomas for Mike Conley and Tyreke Evans.
For the Grizzlies this is a no-brainer as it allows them to re-boot their franchise with two stars and avoid the impending and unavoidable dread of middling success in a small-market.
The Cavs give LeBron a few new toys and he shuts up for a month or so. The Cavs pray it works but of course it doesn’t, because once again they don’t practice.
Pistons and Blazers
Earlier this week Damian Lillard met with Paul Allen, the Blazer’s owner, to discuss the future of the team. The meeting likely occurred because of the team’s terrible roster construction and their general lack of direction. The Blazers need to do right by Dame, who is by all accounts a phenomenal talent and my preferred keeper instead of McCollum. To appease their star the Blazers have to get good fast.
By adding Drummond they finally have a legitimate second star and a rim protector. Harris adds a scoring punch and Johnson gets a chance to improve his game under Terry Stotts. The team also gets Avery Bradley, who recently settled a rape case against him out of court for an undisclosed amount. Bradely is currently in the last year of his contract and hopefully his career. But in a league where Derrick Rose can still make millions, Bradely isn’t likely to go anywhere.
Detroit likes this trade as they get a chance to begin rebuilding with a certified star and a Top-10 protected 1st round pick from the Blazers in 2018. Aminu and Nurkic provide enough talent to keep team respectable in the eyes of their fans.
Celtics and Nuggets
This one is simple. The Celtics need another reliable scorer and the Nuggets could use a bit more defense from their guards.
Boston gives up Smart, who is going to be a pain in the ass on and off the court when he demands an egregious extension this off-season despite shooting 35.8% from the floor and 29.3% from three for his career. Barton offers the ability to get his own shot without disrupting the chemistry on defense, of which Boston ranks 1st in the league.
The Nuggets get a bit deeper in a place they could use help, as Mudiay and Murray are not very good defenders.
Hornets and Nuggets
Again, I was looking to upgrade the Nuggets’ backcourt, but this time a bit more dramatically. Here the Nuggets get to plug Kemba Walker alongside a healthy starting lineup of Murray, Chandler, Millsap, and Jokic, with Kaminsky, Batum, and Barton coming off the bench. This team would be fun as all hell and a nice dark horse to make a run in the playoffs.
The Hornets would shed some long-term salary and completely fuck up their positional allocation, but hey, if you want to rebuild this is where you start, especially since Denver will send their unprotected 1st round picks from both 2018 and 2019.
76ers and Hornets
That’s right, who says no to this wacky trade? The Hornets effectively get a #1 overall pick from just a few months ago and an opportunity to begin their rebuild with a player that everyone and their grandma thought was going to be a stud.
The Sixers have botched more comebacks than Eminem at this point and might as well get a star player that they don’t have the time to fuck up and mismanage physically. This accelerates their chances at playoff success and easily lands them a playoff seed this year. A starting 5 of Walker, Reddick, Covington, Simmons, and Embiid would not be anything to blush at.
Baptism of the Week
I leave you all this week with two baptisms.
Not 30 seconds into this unexpectedly good game between the frisky Bulls and the Western Conference All Stars, Robin “Sideshow Bob” Lopez buried Jordan Bell (who was drafted by the Bulls for the Warriors in exchange for “Cash Considerations”).
While I never root for injuries, if you dunk on someone and they have to be taken off the court in a wheelchair, you automatically get Baptism of the Week.
The Bulls were dumb to have traded their pick to the Warriors but Lopez exacts a bit of revenge here. If you watch until roughly the one-minute mark you’ll notice a camera angle that perfectly captures Lopez’s expression as he detonates on Bell. Lopez looks crazy, the type of crazy that scares people and makes them think that you contracted syphilis and just never got around to treating it. What’s even crazier is that Lopez was this hyped and bloodthirsty just 24 seconds into the game.
Luckily, Bell was fine and sustained no serious damage to his leg. But don’t get it twisted, either way Lopez was getting the award, as Baptizing someone into a wheelchair is just about the coolest shit I’ve ever seen.
My second Baptism of the Week comes courtesy of yours truly. My victim is none other than Jason Kidd.
Back in the day Kidd got into a fight with a fellow teammate in Dallas over Toni Braxton’s interest in him over Kidd. Apparently Braxton had showed up to a hotel or party to hang with Kidd but ended up going home with one of his teammates instead. Kidd, being the entitled prick that he is, demanded he or the other player be traded, to which Dallas said “bye” to them both.
So in honor of Kidd’s eternal legacy as the league’s preeminent man-child, who was never really man enough, I leave him this (For the record I have no idea what is happening in the first few seconds of this video):