Atticus Grich’s favorite Vine is the LeBron James kid.
Dick Pic Kompromat
For the past few weeks all anyone has wanted to talk about is the Cavs and their dysfunction. So as the vultures circle and the trade deadline slithers to suck the little life that is left out of the Cavs organization, I’d like to take this opportunity to hop in on the action and twist the knife a little but not quite like you’d expect.
It all starts and ends with LeBron, of course. LeBron is the greatest athlete of all time. My justification is obviously informed by his success on the court but it is really what he’s done off the court and in the public eye that I think vaults him over the likes of Serena, Jordan, Federer, and the rest. No one has managed the media and their narratives quite like LeBron. Sure, he’s been called Machiavellian before, but I don’t think he gets enough credit for how he’s crafted himself publicly since the age of 16.
For a moment, just consider your 16-year-old self transplanted into the year 2000 and imagine you were touted to be the next transcendent talent in whatever your favorite pastime was at that age. For me it would’ve been smoking reggie and the pursuit of the perfect juug. Now imagine surpassing those expectations and sustaining that unfathomable ability into your 30’s and all without a picture of your dick/vagina ever being seen by the public. Seriously, think about it. We’ve never seen LeBron’s dick in all these years and there have been hard working people out in the world that are exclusively tasked with obtaining photos of LeBron’s dick. These people are the LeBron James of soliciting dick-pic kompromat and they can’t even come up with a video of LeBron daggering some broads in the club circa 2002.
I know that had I been in LeBron’s position, dick pic kompromat would have been the least of my worries. Now what does someone who’s meticulously crafted every detail of his or her public persona value? Does the distinction between self and their public characterization of such start to meld together? Do they even have a dick or vagina? Allow me to speculate.
LeBron values loyalty and control above all else and as such has made it his goal to translate those values into a reality that extends to his place of work. Wouldn’t you? As such the Cavs are built to some degree of LeBron’s liking. If LeBron wanted the Cavs to sign George Jefferson to a 10-day contract they probably would. The power that LeBron wields everywhere he goes is jaw dropping, especially when considering these statistics from the Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sports (TIDES) 2015-2016 NBA Racial and Gender Report Card: 74.3% of players were African-American and 95.2% of Majority/Controlling Owners were White.
While the NBA remains at the forefront of diversity and gender hiring practices amongst men’s sports, the discrepancy in these statistics is still pathetic. But it is exactly this type of data that illuminates the impact and brilliance of LeBron. He has worked tirelessly to gain influence and autonomy in his profession (while being the best at it) and over time has gotten so fucking good at the game beneath the game that he’s gotten Dan Gilbert to begrudgingly pay JR Smith $57 million and Tristan Thompson $82 million. And now Dan Gilbert is mad at LeBron, when all he’s got to do is look in the mirror.
Many have said that LeBron is to blame for the current Cavs debacle but at the end of the day all he’s done is ball hard as hell and get a bunch of motherfuckers paid. It wasn’t LeBron’s money, it wasn’t LeBron’s decision to offer that money to Thompson in writing, it wasn’t LeBron’s decision to trade Kyrie, yet he shoulders the blame for a lot of it because he has a degree of influence we have never seen before.
I like to hate on LeBron the same as anyone else, but ultimately it’s his greatness that opens him up to such insane scrutiny. And sure he asked for it but if you gave me another shot to be the greatest reggie-smoking-juug-buster that the world had ever seen, you’d better believe I’d have answered the call and tried my hardest to get a lot of other reggie-smokers paid.
On the other hand, is it really okay for someone to have enough influence to make another person behave like this:
It would be a real shame if someone captioned this pic.twitter.com/nNHImE8vWi
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) February 8, 2018
IT doesn’t deserve this, damn you LeBron!
In the end, LeBron is going to leave Cleveland again and again we’ll all probably get to watch a bunch of thumb people burn some shit with his name on it. But I believe in LeBron’s ability to pull off his greatest maneuver yet, to leave Dan Gilbert, dick out, standing at the terminal to see him off to LA, with his hometown franchise burning behind him.
The writing is on the wall but behind closed doors I think LeBron’s still going to force the Cavs’ hand, not because he’s the King and he gets what he wants, but because he’s smarter than everyone else in the room. Today is the deadline and I’m betting that at the last minute the Cavs give up that Brooklyn pick for DeAndre Jordan and that LeBron will drag this team as far as he can take them before leaving them, as he should, in his wake and without a dick pick to clutch to.
Baptism of the Week
Yo! Giannis dicked a guy in the head, mid-air, and finished one of the most spectacular dunks of all time.
What hasn’t been reported enough about this dunk is that shortly thereafter Tim Hardaway (whose sins are forgiven) feigned an injury so that he could leave the game. What makes this dunk so great and fitting for this week’s column is that Giannis’ dick definitely sustained prolonged contact with Hardway’s head. Hardaway is going to have PTSD and a Giannis dick-print on the back of his head for the rest of time and I wonder if he’ll ever play again.
And for those that are wondering, dick-print baptisms are really the only baptisms I can think of that surpass baptisms that put the baptee in a wheelchair.
Baptism of the year thus far and what makes it even better was that T.J. Detweiler was there to see it.