Denny’s, the diner chain of choice for those benighted locales that lack a better alternative (an IHOP, a Steak-N-Shake, a Taco Truck, readily available roadkill) has recently announced their new late night Rockstar Menu, featuring such indelible dishes as Hoobastank’s Hoobaburrito, Jewel’s Acoustic Roasted Chicken Quesadilla, Sum 41’s The Sumwich, Good Charlotte’s Band of Burritos, and Los Lonely Boys’ Texican Burger–who said regionalism was dead?
In an effort to broaden their musical and culinary tastes, I propose adding the options below. I’d say that the customer is always right, but you’d sooner catch me at a Bubba Gump’s than the place that coined the phrase, “Moons Over My Hammy.”
Lil Boosie’s Lil Turtle Soup
Tagline: A savory tribute to Lil Boosie’s Lousiana roots, this bad-azz Creole delicacy tastes so trill.
Pros: Goes great with that purple. Will make you famous like the Ninja Turtles.
Cons: This reptilian dish may be too slimy and slippery for less adventurous consumers. May need to be wiped down first.
Eminem’s M&M Cookies
Tagline: Do you like sexual molestation, murder, and cookies? Prepare for the most scrumptious desert since Heavy D’s Chunky But Funky Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.
Pros: Endorsement likelihood probably, as photographic evidence indicates the rapper has been been known to eat a cookie or 12.
Cons: Becomes extremely tasteless after three bites.
Ghostface Killah’s Baked Alaska
Tagline: For those who never had Baked Alaska, devour it at Denny’s!
Pros: Even Denny’s couldn’t fuck up something as delicious as Baked Alaska.
Cons: Ghostface may prefer fish and tossed salads.
The Lil Wayne Kid’s Meal (Hot Dog, Lollipop, glass of Promethazine)
Tagline: Are you too busy to feed your children? Do you want a cheap meal to bring to your babies staying up late in the studio with men named Baby? Have a Hot dog.
Pros: In a still sluggish economy, Wayne has shown an uncanny ability to convince people to shell out cash money for services that they could do/steal at home.
Cons: May decide to imitate the other menu items in a hope to be more rock.
Snoop Dogg’s Gin and Juice
Tagline: What to drink at 2 in the morning when your mama ain’t home, or you’re under the grim fluorescent lights of America’s favorite chain diner.
Pros: Helps with sensual seduction.
Cons: May have you spewing incomprehensible gibberish.
Animal Collective’s Strawberry Jam Pancakes
Tagline: How avant-garde are your taste buds?
Pros: Will be popular at Silverlake and Williamsburg populations.
Cons: May also cause customers to spew incomprehensible gibberish.
Ola Podrida’s Olla Podrida
Tagline: Only a fool wouldn’t want a stew with chickpeas.
Pros: Tastes better than dog.
Cons: Will only be consumed by bloggers.
HEALTH Green Tea
Tagline: Get Color. Get Salubrious
Pros: It’s all about the smell.
Cons: Gets easily muddled, may cause epileptic seizures due to bright packaging.
Phish’s Fish Sandwich
Tagline: When You’re Stoned You’ll Eat Anything.
Pros: Better than the Larry David Sandwich.
Cons: Takes four hours to eat.
Meatloaf Meatloaf
Tagline: Some things are just timeless.
Pros: There are no pros.
Cons: Even when it was supposed to be good, it sucked.
