September 10, 2013

Gucci-GlassesLadies, Deen would put you up in an $80 a night Microtel. Minimum.

So I’ve been a bit scarce lately for reasons kinda-sorta beyond within my control. I’ve been lazy and/or wack on the writing tip because of these reasons that are sorta-kinda maybe within my control. Simply put, Feds Watchin’ me. Anyway, the OG Trap Gawd Gucci Mane, Wsq. went on the twitter rant to end all twitter rants and it’s only right that I help y’all parse through the myriad of claims, accusations and taunts Guwop issued during said rant. I hate to admit it, but Gucci Mane and I have A LOT in common. We’re pretty much the same guy with the only differences being my slightly better grasp of the English language, my lack of rapping skills, my lack of a jail record, my lack of tattoos – face or otherwise, my lack of jewelry, my lack of money and my lack of hoes. Besides all that, we’re really the same nigga. Just ask my acquaintances (real niggas don’t have friends).

So we’re going to go through the Big Homie Guwop’s TL, tweet-by-tweet, and analyze dem shits for probable truths, half-truths, triple aunt andres and other assorted shit. Note that we’ll be analyzing “translated” versions of Gucci’s tweets (thanks to the homie King Jaffe Joffer) only because you bitches ain’t real enough to comprehend all the realness in Guwop’s broken language.

The industry is full of fake people. I’ve been to jail and that humbled me to not be like these people.

Well, DUH! Industry rule #4080 and all that. Say what you want about Guwop, but he definitely strikes me as being more genuine than the average rapper. And he has the body on his pistol to prove it. Oh and this one time, I got grounded. Shit was mad humbling.

Me and Scooter are the only real people in the industry.

I’ll vouch for Scooter once he kills someone and gets away with it. Until then, nope.

I come from humble beginnings and I’ll always be that way despite the money and fame. The rest of these rappers gossip and are fake.

Gucci certainly came from humble beginnings. You can tell that’s true just by looking at him. He’s always ashy because he’s accustomed to going without lotion. As a fellow darkskin nigga, I know that you either gotta be poor or lazy to skip lotion. And Gucci be workin – peep THREE mixtapes in ONE day. So yeah, he was poor. And yeah, I’ve thought rappers were fake ass bitches since Eazy-E died of AIDS. Real niggas don’t die of AIDS. They get rich and chubby and own shit in Miami. See Magic Johnson.

Fuck Jeezy, T.I., Waka, Nicki, Eminem, etc.

Well, that’s like YOUR opinion n’shit bro. I’d have a beer with most of those people. I think. Can Eminem drink now or no?

Me and Waka had sex with Nicki. I don’t think it’s a big deal. She was nothing when we found her and was sleeping on Wayne’s tour bus. She was a nobody, we took her her in.

Shit. I’mma just look the other way on most of this statement. I can only really vouch for MY dick. Trap Lawd in stores right now. But yeah, there was a time when Nicki was a nobody. And there was a time when Gucci & co took her in. I remember that.

Me and Waka Flocka Flame had a threesome with Blacc Chyna in LA. I fucked her in the mouth, while Waka hit it doggystyle. Ask DJ Holiday to confirm this story.

Blacc Chyna, if I recall correctly, is the mother of Tyga’s child. She was also a stripper. Forgive the absence of couth, but this is plausible. Strippers do a lot worse for niggas WITHOUT record deals. Doggystyle also seems like a very LA thing. Pause. And if I were DJ Holiday, I wouldn’t answer any questions. Seems prudent to me.

I had sex with Ciara in LA while she was dating 50 Cent. She rode my dick. Ask Kelly to confirm this story.

This is the first truly difficult allegation of the bunch. I’d analyze it, but I don’t know what Kelly he’s referring to. Kelly Rowland? R. Kelly? Kelly Ripa? Kelly Osbourne? Kelly Clarkson? I’m not a fucking mind reader.

Ask Rocko if he’s still mad about Monica?

Seems Guwop is implying that he also made fuck with Monica, the R&B singer/mother of Rocko’s child. I’d suggest that Rocko can’t be THAT mad about Monica after all this time. After all, isn’t she married to Shannon Brown (the basketball player) now? That nigga played with Kobe and won at least one championship. Rocko should be mad at that nigga, not Guwop.

Iggy Azalea wants to suck my Guwop stick.

On one hand, I’m slightly racist. I kinda don’t like white women I’m not fornicating with. One the other hand, Australians are cool – for instance, that dead Crocodile Hunter nigga and Mark Viduka. On the third hand, Mel Gibson. So yeah, Gucci is probably right on this one. Sorry folks.

I had anal sex with Buffie the Body.

Have you seen Buffie the Body? That’s a very specific allegation and rightly so. If you ever get the opportunity to do thangs with a video/magazine vixen with an ass like that, then you’re obligated to fuck her in the ass. That’s just common sense. Guwop’s right again.

I had a threesome with Keyshia Cole (Young Jeezy’s ex) and a white girl. Ask Coach K in Orlando to confirm this story.

Why Gucci keep dragging random witnesses into this shit. Gucci just be having sex with famous bitches while anonymous ass niggas watch so they can confirm later. Coach Krzyzewski would NEVER watch Gucci Mane have sex. Trust me, I’m a Duke grad. Also, Gucci has obvious reasons for dragging that poor lady into this – his eternal hatred of Jeezy. So I’m calling BULLSHIT.

Fantasia Barrino gives great head. She sucked me off at the Four Seasons while she was dating Young Dro.

I’m going with Gucci on this one too. Forgive the vulgarity, but have you seen Fantasia’s mouf? She has one of those slobbery ass juicy moufs. 97% chance she gives great head. As for cheating on Young Dro, I think I recall her ending up in the news after an affair with a some random married nigga. She allegedly interrupted a phone call between the guy and his wife by saying “you don’t know how to keep a man and that’s why he’s here with me.” Typical hoodrat shit. Gucci wins again.

T.I.’s wife Tiny is ugly but I want to have sex with her.

A man is entitled to feel how he wants about muppets. I loved Miss Piggy when I was a kid until my folks informed me that muslims don’t eat pork. Besides, T.I. agrees with Gucci – he has sex with Tiny all the time.

Tell Craig and Julia (Atlantic Records executives) to suck my dick.

I’m sure Craig and Julia can read. So let’s just leave this one to them.

Anyone who wants to buy the rights to Waka Flocka Flame’s contract may do so for $250,000.

I don’t have access to the contract, but there’s no reason for Gucci to fib about this. That said, I’m not sure that Waka is enough of an attraction anymore to warrant such an investment unless you manage to review the terms of the contract to include access to a portion of his other income streams. You’re all welcome.

Gotti is a bitch that wants to be me and Jeezy. I don’t care if anyone brags about having sex with women I’ve been involved with because I thought real niggas share their women. Gotti fears me.

Well, I’ve long thought of Yo Gotti as an imitation Jeezy, I’m more than happy to “share” women once I’m no longer renting and Yo Gotti is right to fear Gucci – he killed a nigga.

I had sex with Maliah Michele, Keyshia Dior and Jessica at King of Diamonds strip club in Miami.

Strippers, ergo, plausible. Actually, upgrade that to likely as fuck.

If I’m lying about any of this that means T.I.’s wife is actually attractive and Keyshia Dior is a church girl.

LOL. What a fucking troll. He ain’t lying though!

I make 5 million dollars a year by doing performances and blow it all on women and other shit. I love it.

Sounds like a great life. I just hope his accountant approved that that tweet. The Feds and the IRS stay twatchin’. Then again, prison is like home to this crazy ass nigga. Also, Texas must be too close to Mexico because I can’t imagine this nigga makes that much money performing in 2013. “Lemonade” was a long time ago, whoadie.

I just seen Rocko. He tried to ask me a question and I almost killed him. He ran like a bitch.

Well, I’m assuming Rocko, like the rest of us, is aware that you killed a nigga. Running is wise. You gotta run like a non-bitch though. Also, why you gotta almost kill a nigga that asked you a question? Was the question “can you please kill me, Gucci Mane?” If it wasn’t, I’d suggest that Gucci overreacted. Again.

I’m offering Nick Minaj, Taraji P. Henson, Monica and Keyshia Dior $10,000 a piece to have a foursome with me. All of you wear tennis skirts, that’s a hood nigga fantasy.

That would be a FIVESOME my nigga. And it’s been a minute since I frequented a lady of the night, but you might wanna boost that offer bro.

Rocko had a switchblade, he brought a knife to a gunfight. His car is really fast. He drove off at the speed of light.
And U.O.E.NO.

Phew, that was hard work. My brain actually hurts. I’m staying outta rapper minds from now. Especially the crazy one. However, I get the sense that Gucci is batting like .750 here. The nigga clearly doesn’t give a fuck about anything and he ain’t scared of no rappin ass nigga, so I’m inclined to believe even the most ridiculous of these statements. Then again, I’m a gullible and vulgar muthafucka.

Until the next time Guwop goes off, this is Mobbdeen signing off for PassionWeiss News at 10 pm.

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