October 9, 2013

Chris Daly would like a hot pocket.

Every once in a great while, a group of talented individuals comes together for a combined, concerted effort that makes the world a better place. Julius Caesar, Pompeius Magnus and Marcus Crassus formed the First Triumvirate, which helped to shape Rome as it expanded its grip on the world. Our own nation came together following the convening of the First Continental Congress, comprised of such stalwarts as George Washington, John Adams, Samuel Adams and others. All these past examples, however, pale in comparison to what undoubtedly will be known henceforth as the all-time, most important gathering of talent ever put on film.

Dig if you will the picture: Kate Upton comes home late with a girlfriend who may or may not be something more. The two obviously are tipsy, and Upton drifts off into a PG-rated sex dream that features such Lotharios as Snoop Dogg (wasn’t that Lion a minute ago?), Biz Markie, Bow Wow, Oliver Cooper, that Amazing Race/YouTube dude, Kevin “KevJumba” Wu, and Herbie Hot Pockets. Throw in some pepperoni nunchucks and some breakdancing for good measure. Think you’re in for the freakiest sex tape since Kim and “fill-in-the-blank–celebrity?” You’d be wrong, friend. This would be the latest promo for Hot Pockets, a food that debatably more than just stoners and high paid celebrities can love.

Reworking the Diabolical’s “Just a Friend” with enough weed and sex references to embarrass the writers of the next Friday installment (bound to hit theaters before you know it), the resulting video madness puts Jim Gaffigan on high alert. Pitting Snoop as “The Baker” against Cooper as “The Butcher,” the two spit bars over who is responsible for the tastier side of the treat while Upton flies around in a spaceship, stops by Snoop’s Sky High Bakery and enters an 8-bit battleground.

I’d like to pause for a minute while all of this soaks into your brain. Don’t worry, I’ll wait. My Hot Pocket’s still in the microwave for another five regardless.

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