Deen missed the 30 for 30 for this.
You guys know the drill. I watch these things so you don’t have to. Hopefully, terrible things happen and we can partake in hella merriment. Maybe someone will even throw a chair. We can only hope.
- Fuck I started a bit late. Meek Mill is yelling his intro right now. I never understood why the intro to his album became a thing in clubs. The first half is boring. At least at the club.
- Now he’s doing “Levels.” I’d love this song if it wasn’t the moment that Cardo, the talented producer, realized that he’d have to abandon his idiosyncratic style to blow up. Tragic. I also would have loved that performance more if the backing vocals weren’t drowning Meek’s yelling-ass face out. There’s an easy levels joke here.
Cypher 1 – Rittz, Jon Conner, Wax
I see Rittz and Jon Connor and Rapsody. So I’ll pretend to care.
- That first nerdy nigga was a no. Ion’t like Rapsody. This Italian nigga gotta go. Rittz dropped the fast rap for a bit – just a bit – forgot he was down with Tech Nine.
- I hear Jon Connor is down with Dr. Dre and he wants to be down with Rita Ora – he’s good. That album never dropping though. Enjoy your headphone money bro.
- UNCLE SNOOP!
- Introducing 2 Chainz.
- Speaking of 2 Chainz, his album was an improvement on the first one, but the hits aren’t as effervescent or something. Or maybe his moment kinda passed a bit. His clothes look as if Basquiat’s ghost nutted on him.
- MANNIE FRESH
- Shout out Chainz for all those pretty women dancing to his NOLA/Juvenile tribute single. Good song!
- JUVE! I fux wit this performance heavy. That was nice
- DJ Khaled is unimpressed by Bow Wow.
- Rookie of the year is real internet heavy and Trinidad James predictably gets the loudest cheer.
- I suppose ASAP Ferg is as good a choice as any. Unless they were gonna do some affirmative action shit and give it to Action Bronson.
Cypher 2– A$AP Mob
- ASAP Mob with this fake Jamaican shit.
- They basically turned this into a song. I approve.
- ASAP Whoever the fuck this is after Ferg kinda nice but he reminds of someone else.
- ASAP Nast kinda ass in this freestyle.
- Ant got a nice lil flow and he talkin that gully shit. I approve.
- Rocky batting clean up and he’s clearly the best of this bunch – 2 bars in. Yamborghini didn’t have to look hard to determine which one of his homies was the star. Even if said star dresses like an idiot.
- He’s just being honest. Drake, you don’t like honesty nigga?
- This is the first time I’ve heard him live without the backing vocal.
- DJ Khaled ruins every thing. He looks like a brown bear with a panda bear’s face.
- This may be the first time I’ve been happy to see/hear Rawse.
- OK. I take that back. Fuck this fat fuck and his floppy fucking titties.
- MC Lyte just outchea pretending to like this shit. Poor lady.
- I guess the song ain’t awful, but I’m here for Future Knowles-Carter.
- ‘No Games’ is kinda growing on me, but I’m still not there yet and this performance ain’t it.
- Snoop incorporating GGN into his skits. Good shit. I’m rolling. This ‘The Other Butler’ is funnier than it has any right to be.
Cypher 3 — Action Bronson, Lil Kim…
- Bronson. He’s flowing. He looks even more ridiculous than ever.
- The Sprite contest winner sounds solid.
- Travis Scott already admitted that his verse was trash on twitter, but it’s better than every non-Rocky ASAP verse.
- Tiffany Foxx is fun to look at. Hips and legs forever. No, I will not apologize. I’m sure she said interesting things too.
- Unlike Lil Kim. She can keep trying though. I’ll always lend her an ear. She made ‘Hardcore’.
- Snoop is ridiculous with these jokes. I don’t like collard greens. Check my black card if you want. If ain’t money, Ion’t want that green.
TDE outchea. Collard Greens. It feels like they’re forcing this song. It’s not a great single and I’m just a fan that wants ‘Oxymoron’ to get a release date.
- Money Trees! Woo! DJ Dahi is gawd status for this beat.
- If Drake wants to end Kendrick, he just needs to mention that Jay Rock had the best verse on ‘Good Kid, MAAD City’.
- Actually, that still won’t work because Drake is a bitch. That nigga really kicked Future off his tour for not liking his boring ass album.
Cyper 4 — Slaughterhouse
- Joell Ortiz. He can rap. Real good. But we knew that. Next.
- Rinse and repeat for the rest of Slaughterhouse.
- Crooked I was shittin though. UGH! Best verse by far so far.
- Who Royce gon hit on this year. Halle sorta. And Drake.
- Budden didn’t take it from Crooked I. But he shot at Miley’s non-ass.
- Wait. When last was there an award?
- If Mackerelmore wins this thing, it’s beef.
- Drake won something and Big Tigger won’t stop saying “turn up.”
Note that Drake won for Future’s non-credited ‘Started from the Bottom’.
Cypher 5 —TDE
- Never knew I wanted to hear Schoolboy Q over Shook Ones until right now. He flowing.
- Jay Rock sounds and looks as if he should work on an oil and gas rig and his verse his tough.
- Why Ab-Soul always look so damn dirty? He kinda floating on this verse though.
- Isaiah Rashad. New signee. He’s doing that thing where he doesn’t look comfy.
- Kendrick. WOOOOOOOOOO. That lil nigga showed his nuts. Trap Lawd.
- French Montana’s here! Doing his best song ever.
- DIDDY’S HERE! And he’s extra. And bleeding into Rawse’s mic time. LOL. Was the crown thing some sort of nod towards Kendrick? Oh Diddy.
- And Snoop is here too. He’s always welcome.
- Maybe Rawse always performs bare chested at these things because he can’t close his jackets. You know, because he’s fat as fuck. Get it? Okay. Cool.
- It’s nice to see that Eve could take a break from dating white niggas to grace us niggas with her presence again.
- MC Lyte tribute time. Yay. I like her and her deep ass voice. Can’t say the same for Missy’s makeup. Outchea looking like one something off Fraggle Rock.
- Will Smith and Jada also took some time off from not raising their nigglets to come give props to MC Lyte. That’s nice. Go raise your kids though.
- MC Lyte is arguably the best MC to grace the stage tonight, but I don’t wanna discuss it. Naturally, she doesn’t perform.
- GGN back with Chocolate Droppa, aka, Kevin Hart.
- Cypher 6 — Nick Cannon, Kevin Hart, Nelly
- Comedians comeding.
- Nick Cannon is killing! Killing Kevin Hart.
- Oh, shit! Nelly. He’s better than Nick. But this scarf
- That was hella fun. I find Kevin Hart more amusing than I care to admit.
- Yo Gotti with one of my fav singles this year. That lady robot voice effect is undefeated in rap songs. Peep ‘Started from the Bottom’, mad Iamsu songs and this shit. If you know of any more, get at me. Thanks.
- And Rocko’s here. I assume he owns all of Atlanta on the low. UOENO gotta be the best beat of 2013.
- And Rich Homie Quan to close things out. If you can’t close at the club after this stretch of songs, just go home bro/sis.
- Friend: “they should just keep the camera on Snoop.” I agree. It’s easy to see why he’s been famous for 20 years.
- Is this an awards show or just a series of live and recorded performances?
Bone Thugs? OKAY.
Excuse me a sec, I gotta go sing like a bitch and relive my childhood and lust after this lady on the hook. You know what? Fuck live instruments sometimes. Like now.
- Snoop handing out munchies to end an award show where they gave out 3 awards in like 2 hours?
- Oh there was no violence. LOL. That’s what happens when the real niggas stay home.
- So overall I suppose it was a really professional and drama free event. I won’t lie, I enjoyed watching this shit, but it’s either I’m losing my touch or never had said touch to begin or the show was just kinda okay. I could be wrong but I swear there were like 3 awards. So what was the point of this shit again? Anyway, feel free to make offerings to me in the comments or on Twitter. After all, I missed what I assume was a great installment of ESPN’s ’30 for 30‘ for you guys. You’re all welcome.