This past week, I tried out Beats Music’s streaming platform because it’s a free trial and available and I enjoy both music and things that are free and available. At the end of the trial, I decided it wasn’t for me because I’d rather pick the music myself and arrange it rather than worry about somebody else doing that for me. Not one minute later, I received the following message from Beats Music’s chief creative officer, Trent Reznor:
Subject: Please don’t leave
First and foremost, thank you so much for trying out our Beats Music streaming platform. I greatly appreciated having such creative input in this project, and I truly believe that I was able to engineer the perfect music listening experience. But it seems you disagree.
Brad, please do not go. I cannot take one more blow.
I get it, you do not think it is cool of me to work for some company and yadda yadda, but I do not believe I have compromised my artistic integrity or the opportunities of my fellow musicians. I know that the Beats Music platform is not flawed, for I labored for days on end to provide the most technically proficient system imaginable. I beg you to reconsider, Brad.
For instance, you are at work and you want to listen to some cool jams. Simply tell the platform you are at work and we take everything from there. How easy is that? Not easy enough it seems, for you, Brad. In the box for “reason why I’m unsubscribing” you put “When I tried The Sentence feature and said I was At Work, you asked if I felt like Romancing or Being Blue.”
Brad, these are technically the thoughts that you should have when you are at work. I know this, because I have not left my computer since I entered this vault, long ago. I have scoured every possible platform and every possible alternative and I assure you that this is how you should feel.
It appears that you are not alone in your want to unsubscribe. I am no longer alone in the vault because the higher ups have sent someone here to deliver swift punishment for every cancellation e-mail I receive. If you should not choose to renew your subscription within the hour, pain will be inflicted.
Please, Brad, think of me. Do the right thing.
Screen capture by Brian Kecksemety