October 16, 2014

Deen is fully equipped to give advice as he is a licensed attorney in the state of Texas.

A little while ago, I put word out on Twitter about getting questions from you lovely folks, the readers. Here’s the thing (and I know a lotta y’all are gonna find this hard to believe), I’ve always been a fantastic and patient listener. I’m pretty damn frank too. I think those qualities tend to encourage folks to seek me out for advice. Said advice is often practical (that’s me), useful (arguable) and kinda hilarious (definitely – methinks), so I figured I’d share this gift with the world at large. Because fuck ‘Dear Prudie’ – the world of advice columns could always use some pseudo real nigga ramblings. I’m kidding on the ‘fuck Dear Prudie’ thing – Emily Yoffe’s old, sassy ass could get this work on GP.

The first question I’m fielding actually came to me via text message from a real life friend. A good friend. A friend so good that he suggested that I use my answer to start this column. The slightly unfortunate thing is that I actually sanitized his question a bit. If I left all the details in, then the trajectory of this column’s awesomeness would probably match Nas’ career trajectory (according to idiots).

On that note, go ahead and send me some fucking questions. I imagine they’re easier to answer when you don’t know the muthafuckas sending them. Not that I care, but I only have like 4 friends and 1 already sent some shit, so this shit won’t last long unless y’all help me help y’all. You dig? Oh and the column could use a name too – we’re taking suggestions.

Here we go:

Dear Deeno…

So for a brief moment this summer, I was fucking my college girlfriend who is now engaged and a doctor. She kept her ring on during our dalliances and I felt guilty. It also didn’t help that she told me that she fantasizes about having sex with her step-father; a bit of a turnoff. Sex was fantastic though.
I eventually told her that the whole thing was wrong and that I just wanted to go back to being friends like we’d been ever since I moved back to our city. Bougie ass professionals can be friends without fucking, right? We spent parts of the last 2 years as cycling partners (she looks good in cycling pants bruh and Memorial Park is nice) and occasional drinking buddies with no issues. I even got to meet her fiance a few times before we started fucking again. But apparently, I’m the bad guy for not wanting to have sex anymore.

So here’s my question; should I try to stay friends with her or is this a wrap?

___________________

You already stopped fucking her so I get the impression that you know what the right thing to do is. You just want confirmation from a separate source. I get it. It’s hard to let some good pussy go. That girl coulda told you she fantasized about fucking your dad and you still woulda kept hitting it for a few weeks. I don’t begrudge you that.

However, you a dirty ass nigga. Why the fuck you outchea tampering with engaged pussy? That’s a recipe for disaster on like 14 different levels, including but not limited to karmically and breathingcally. I think the karma thing explains itself, but I’ll spell the breathing thing out for your dumbass. Before my folks let me leave the village and sent me off into the world to be an adult, my father gave me one piece of advice. Just one. He said (and I quote): “Listen son, someday you might find yourself servicing another man’s wife. She might even invite you to spend the weekend at her place. Don’t do it. Unless you want to run the risk of jumping off a fire escape into some snow without your clothes on at 2 AM in the morning.”

I recounted all that to tell you this: niggas will shoot you for tampering with their pussy (even though we’re all just renting until we ruin the shop with a nigglet or two) and my dad was a slut.

So yeah, stay the fuck away from this girl. She clearly has a deathwish. Who the fuck fucks a man that she’s introduced to the man she plans to marry on more than one occasion then has the nerve to get upset when the man tries to do the right thing? A crazy bitch, that’s who. It ain’t worth it bruh. She clearly isn’t very risk-averse and doesn’t mind getting you killed. She doesn’t want to be your “friend” unless you’re down with her super loose definition of the word “friend,” which I’m actually kinda down with, but that’s beside the point. So maybe you should hit that one last time and use her cycling pants as a nutrag, you know, for Lewinsky-esque memories n’shit. It’s the least you can do after she revealed that gross stepdad shit. I gotta say, medical professionals are so damn creepy in the sack and unless she was giving you free prostrate exams, I’m sure you can find a different doctor anyway. Obamacare is working.

Cliffnotes? Don’t be an asshole; cut that bitch off. It’s a wrap. Dirty ass nigga.

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