Jordan Pedersen UGHHHHHHHHHHH

Seriously.

SERIOUSLY???

Big Sean. BIG SEAN. THE RAP GAME FORREST GUMP. IS MAKING. REALLY GOOD RAP MUSIC.

Okay, yes “IDFWU” was great. Call it a fluke. An outlier. Two standard deviations away from the mean. The exception that proves the rule.

But “Blessings,” man. “Blessings.” This shit is just *good* full-stop: Big Sean’s flow is nimble and on-point, even if he stole it from Migos. Drake’s in fine “who me?” braggadocio form. Kanye’s making pretty good dick jokes and better jokes about home-schooling his daughter. The beat is blessed black wings.

And I can’t. FUCKING. DEAL WITH IT.

Okay, look, there are things I know are good, and there are things I know are bad. Shows by Tina Fey: good. Shows by Chuck Lorre: bad. Comedy by Donald Glover: good. Music by Donald Glover: bad.

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See? Simple. Clean. Everything in its right place. If I put the things in the boxes the monsters don’t come.

BUT NOW. THE BAD THING. IS BREAKING OUT. OF THE BAD BOX.

Call this Manichean view snobbery, if you must. Really, it’s a time saver. I don’t have time to keep up with all the good things as it is. I still haven’t spent enough time with that Open Mike Eagle album from last year. I still haven’t read Inherent Vice. I haven’t finished The Sopranos. I HAVEN’T STARTED DEADWOOD.

DEADWOOD FOR CHRISSAKES.

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I KNOW. I’M TRASH.

And now, even with the stack of good things climbing higher and higher, threatening to topple over, crushing me and ending this pathetic excuse for a life, NOW THE BAD THINGS HAVE THE AUDACITY TO UP AND BE GOOD.

MOVE OVER, THE FILMS OF ROBERTO ROSSELLINI. THE GUY WHO MADE “DANCE (A$$)” IS APPARENTLY AN ARTIST WORTHY OF MY TIME.

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I KNOW. I’M SAD TOO.

It’s not enough that Drake, the rapper most likely to eat a blueberry muffin with a fork, puts out excellent rap music on the regular? Now Big Sean, an artist whose rap name he got by taking his first name and putting “Big” in front of it, is making good raps.

AND I CAN’T HANDLE IT.

What’s next? Seriously? Oh, does Kris Jenner’s autobiography contain trenchant insights into the nature of celebrity? Is Ted Cruz recommending sound fiscal policy? DID ZACH BRAFF MAKE A GOOD FUCKING MOVIE???

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THEN YOU’RE CLOSE TO DEATH ANYWAY KILL YOURSELF

*deep breaths*

Fine. Good for him. He made some good rap music. I guess I should be happy for him. Artistic progression and all that. Dark Sky Paradise will probably be a good record. I’ll look forward to listening.

In the meantime, I’ll be over here downloading Kim Kardashian’s five-star rated iPhone app because GOD IS DEAD.

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