November 1, 2016

vine

Will Hagle is always lying, he’s always lying….

If you haven’t heard by now, Twitter, Inc. (NYSE: TWTR) has decided to shut down Vine. The move was made in an effort to cut costs and maximize profits for the flailing company, spawning the outrage of those who were able to amass millions of loyal followers in six second bursts.

Vine launched in 2012, the innocent days of old in which Mitt Romney was considered the worst possible option for president. We’ve come a long way since then. According to some quick Google calculations, we’ve come exactly 26283333.333 Vine loops.

I never really got into Vine, mostly because I’ve been too busy the past five years supplying fire content to Twitter, Inc.’s primary platform. But now that their secondary app is dead, I want to give it a proper eulogy. The following is an ode to Vine through the years, from its launch in 2012 to its death in 2016, soundtracked by the music that was popular in each year. It’s also an ode to the musical artists whose careers were as short lived as our dearly beloved, recently deceased app. RIP Vine.


Flo Rida


Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used To Know” was Billboard’s number one song during our last election year, but Flo Rida was all over the charts. “Whistle,” “Good Feeling,” and “Wild Ones” all charted within the top 20 by the year’s end. This six-second clip was made in honor of the latter, which charted highest, at number 11. RIP Vine. RIP Flo Rida. Please don’t vote for Trump this year, Florida.


Macklemore


Ah, 2013. Vine was only a year old, and plenty of aspiring actors were finally making paychecks for putting #branded content in their six-second ads. But, ironically, the year’s #1 Billboard single was this two time Grammy Award-winning ode to cheap shopping. America really was great at one point, wasn’t it? RIP Vine.


Iggy Azalea


The year-end Billboard charts for 2014 were actually pretty decent. Pharrell was at the top with “Happy.” Juicy J was number two for his feature on Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse.” John Legend was number 3 for “All of Me.” It’s amazing that this Teen Choice Award-winning single clocked in all the way at #4! RIP Vine. RIP Iggy Azalea.


Fetty Wap


It seems like just yesterday that Bruno Mars was giving us the uptown funk, Ed Sheeran was thinking out loud, and Wiz Khalifa was wondering if he’d see us again. And then, of course, after those three year-end Billboard #1s, came Fetty Wap. The Remy Boy had 3 songs in 2015’s year-end Top 50, starting with this, “Trap Queen.” Never mind that a zombified Flo Rida clocked in at #32 with “G.D.F.R.” last year. 2015 was all Fetty Wap’s. RIP Vine.


The Chainsmokers


This random shitty song was the #1 Billboard song of 2016, in the week that Vine was shut down. What a way to go out. RIP Vine.